It's okay.

It's okay to be scared.

It's okay to be myself.

It's okay to stress out.

It's okay to talk to my friends.

It's okay to want to be with my friends.

... or is it?

Irrational fears seize control and throw my mind into a state of chaos.

No, you're not allowed to do that. No, you can't say hi. Shut up. Listen to your fears; they're there for a reason. They're to prevent you from messing up again. They exist to prevent another mistake.

"But.. What if these fears are unsubstantiated?"

Doesn't matter. They're there. Follow them. No exceptions.

".. but.."

Shut up, imbecile. Listen to me -- the one that's telling you what to do. You have no control over yourself, so I'm going to have to be in charge here.

"Just because I'm weak doesn't mean I'm as submissive as you think I am."

I am you. Look at you, talking to yourself-- albeit, a different persona of yourself. But look! You're talking to yourself. You're admitting that you have multiple entities within that one body. And who gets to control the body? I think I'll be taking that place, thanks.

"Isn't it natural for us to show different aspects of ourselves towards different people, or in different situations? Why must you seize control forever? Why can't you just die or go away?"

Because I am you. And you are me. We are one entity, but expressed differently at different times. These seven 'deadly' sins of humanity -- envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, wrath, pride, greed -- their varying levels in our behavior or thoughts dictate our different personas. Your lustful intentions prevent you from nearing your friends, and so you shrink away from them. You fear their wrath if your responses are not well-received; you feel a blow to your pride when you are not acknowledged. You envy their talents and friends; you're gluttonous for the level of closeness which they have achieved with their friends. You desire their attention, but have not the will to gain it.

"So what..? What can you do about it, then?"

I express different traits from you. I can change this. All you have to do is let me take over.. You see, I lack the weaknesses of most humankind; I can detach myself from my emotions, and do what is necessary for you. Emotions are worthless; they simply drag you down, and make you vulnerable for pain and suffering.

".. And what is this necessary act?"

You know what it is. Don't try to deny it. You've just been afraid to admit to yourself that the void is a better place. You've made excuses that your friends will worry about you when you're gone, but I can see through that. You're just a coward who can't think or act for himself, who is scared of judgment.

When I take over, I'll take care of everything. I'll make sure you never face these miseries again. And then you won't have to put up with anything anymore.. And no one will have to put up with you either. Isn't that so nice? It's a win-win situation. C'mon. You know you want to take it.

"..."

Mr. Ontiveros.

You have my utmost respect.

You were an amazing teacher to me; one of the best I've ever had.

It's likely that you'll never see this..

But, I wanted to thank you for being such a positive role model in my life.

And I wanted to say that even if you are found guilty, I'll still respect you the same way I did before.

I was a victim of temptation. I did something that I wasn't supposed to do; I gave in to my carnal urges, and committed a foul act that you are currently being accused of. Am I in jail? No.

Does that make us on equal terms? No. Can I understand the pain? No.

But I do wish that your life isn't ruined because of this... The court proceedings may start in three months, but this will be an agonizing three months.

Your students know of your love to teach. You were a joy in the classroom.. A true enigma. A one-of-a-kind person that aided so many students in their growth at Oxford. And I'm sad to admit that you may never have that opportunity again after all this.

It makes me so sad that such a huge contributor to our school and society is being attacked with no evidence to back the attacks.

It makes me want to cry that Mr. O, such a respected person on campus, would be accused of this... Who did it? That's inconsequential at this point. But what I do know is that this will negatively impact his life. He will likely not be able to teach at OA anymore, he will likely not be able to teach at ALL, which is just an intense blow to the teaching community.. And to himself. Teaching was his joy. His family was his life and love. Without either of these.. Mr. O...

Oxford is here for you, Mr. Ontiveros. No matter what happens; even if you are guilty of your alleged crimes, Oxford will stand by your back, and support you. We all know you are capable of so much more; a simple mistake should not deter you from your life's love and passions.

We love you, Mr. O. And we're going to fight for your sake. It doesn't matter if you're guilty or innocent; either way, I will offer my support.

News Article.

Journalism can be so brutal.

But I guess those journalists are just doing their jobs.

It's one thing to report on a story.. But to criminalize a teacher that an entire school respects for sexual assault, and sensationalize it into "it happened at the #1 school in the county!" is uncalled for.

I have no respect left for journalism. It disgusts me, along with those incapable of keeping their own thoughts to themselves. I wonder why I felt disappointed for not making it into Gamut.

The allegations may be true, but they may also not be true. All we can do is hope that we have not lost one of the most respectable teachers of our time.

Onset of depression..

Flu.

Never have I taken my health for granted so much.

It's kind of funny. Before, I was all depressed and unable to be happy.. Now, I'm actually looking forward to some aspects of life, and being hopeful for once.

But when things seemed to be turning around, I got really sick.

I have no clue what I have, but I do know that it's very unpleasant. Violent coughs leave me gasping for air, causing full-body spasms.. Gagging every couple of coughs, food stays undigested and I remain malnourished.

Yet, the strangest thing is, I'm just looking forward to getting better. I just want to see my friends again.. And not have to deal with a mountain of make-up work that I'll have.

I'm hoping for that small chance again... For when I can talk to you, and maybe be held in your warm embrace. That speck of hope you gave me is growing into a ray of light.

I won't expect anymore from you.

I wonder..

if the past two days accurately define 'happiness'.

If that's true.. Then life is worth living.

Beware of grapes.

"Her expression changed then, becoming fearful rather than merely pained. It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape."

--[When You Are Engulfed By Flames] // david sedaris

Anonymous.

You made my day so much better. All it took was a little initiative from me to get it going.

I could never thank you enough. But I'm sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable. Physical intimacy is nice, but I thought I could repress my urges in it. But, even though I was unable to today, that is precisely what made it better.

Being carefree, not caring what other people think.. Just being with the people I love, and spending a great time at the beach with them.

Sorry, anonymous, that you seem to be a victim of mine a lot. I really did try to sever my ties with you for a while, but I knew it wouldn't work. We're still close friends, even though we see each other once in a blue moon, and talk even less. But when we talk, I feel the emotion pouring out of you.. I can see that you trust me enough to talk about what's on your mind with me, provided that we're around each other. I still wish to get to the point where it isn't a spontaneous thing, but rather something that you'd like to do on your own spare time. Maybe you just don't do that kind of thing, but if you did, it would make me immensely happy.

Here's to drawing penises and breasts on Jonathan Okada, and attacking pidgeons with a wooden stick and granola bars. Thanks, Ben and Jon. I wish I were closer to you guys.

Sarcasm post.

I remember reading this a while back, but someone on GMH posted it on a GMH that I recently read. It still gives me laughs.

--

Gay marriage:

1) Being gay is not natural. People always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Briteny Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...\

Religion.

Going to Torrance to visit Aaron was really fun. I met a lot of new people, saw a performance at the Colburn Conservatory of Music, and generally just had a great time.

Though, having fun doesn't necessarily imply that life situations and demands are easing.

Going out this past weekend reminded me of my severe lack of openness around new people, as well as my own lack of faith.

Faith is that just that, faith; a strong belief in that which we do not see.

Because to my non-Christian upbringing, I have never been inclined to believe in anything remotely religious. I always thought that were was some kind of deity among us; something greater that we cannot understand. I started to interpret this being as the God that I wish to be closer to now. Yet, with my preconceptions of what that deity was, it is difficult for me to follow the Christian lifestyle now, and to be Christian.

All this time, I've done good things because I wanted to be good to other people. It wasn't because God told me or because some religious foundation told me to. Thus, I think it to be a waste of time to call religion a reason to exist for its moral standards. Although it may provide us with a set of morals that we should follow and obey, it doesn't build those moral standards. My own were formulated from what I believed to be right, and I think that I have done a good job in both creating that mindset, as well as enacting it.

I don't know what I believe anymore, but this weekend makes me question my own religious integrity. I just take things as they come; I don't openly preach the gospel, for I believe it to be a collection of writings that we take, by faith, to be commanded by God to be written. The room for human error, however, causes me to not take the Bible seriously; sure, it may be referred to as the Holy Scripture, but humans are the ones who wrote it. And as creatures acting only in their own self-interest, who are we to assume that whoever wrote the Gospel didn't fudge up or change things to fit their own personal agendas?

This one aspect of Christianity keeps me from coming closer to it. I really do want to seek God.. but will it be at the cost of my own beliefs and mindset? Maybe change will be good. But maybe I won't be the same person after all of this.