Religion.

Going to Torrance to visit Aaron was really fun. I met a lot of new people, saw a performance at the Colburn Conservatory of Music, and generally just had a great time.

Though, having fun doesn't necessarily imply that life situations and demands are easing.

Going out this past weekend reminded me of my severe lack of openness around new people, as well as my own lack of faith.

Faith is that just that, faith; a strong belief in that which we do not see.

Because to my non-Christian upbringing, I have never been inclined to believe in anything remotely religious. I always thought that were was some kind of deity among us; something greater that we cannot understand. I started to interpret this being as the God that I wish to be closer to now. Yet, with my preconceptions of what that deity was, it is difficult for me to follow the Christian lifestyle now, and to be Christian.

All this time, I've done good things because I wanted to be good to other people. It wasn't because God told me or because some religious foundation told me to. Thus, I think it to be a waste of time to call religion a reason to exist for its moral standards. Although it may provide us with a set of morals that we should follow and obey, it doesn't build those moral standards. My own were formulated from what I believed to be right, and I think that I have done a good job in both creating that mindset, as well as enacting it.

I don't know what I believe anymore, but this weekend makes me question my own religious integrity. I just take things as they come; I don't openly preach the gospel, for I believe it to be a collection of writings that we take, by faith, to be commanded by God to be written. The room for human error, however, causes me to not take the Bible seriously; sure, it may be referred to as the Holy Scripture, but humans are the ones who wrote it. And as creatures acting only in their own self-interest, who are we to assume that whoever wrote the Gospel didn't fudge up or change things to fit their own personal agendas?

This one aspect of Christianity keeps me from coming closer to it. I really do want to seek God.. but will it be at the cost of my own beliefs and mindset? Maybe change will be good. But maybe I won't be the same person after all of this.