jeez. everything in here is so dreary.

well, to lighten the mood up a little bit, I got back from San Francisco. an interesting anecdote from the car ride back..

my dad was driving us back. we were on the freeway, going 90 miles an hour. suddenly, with no warning, traffic. my dad slams on the break pedal. I, being the idiot law-breaker of the family, was lying down on two seats in the middle of the car, with no seatbelt on.

I was "asleep". or napping. or trying to sleep. whatever I was doing, it was stopped. as soon as our car went to a halt, my body went flying. I hit the two front seats. my mom's response?

"IS THE FOOD OKAY?"

great to know that the Chinese food you bought this morning is more important than me. just fantastic. and yes, the food was okay. >.> I'm alright too. my sheep and my friend's sweater helped cushion the impact.

yay.. something to look forward to. the 30th.. haha. I'm really stupid. I still don't know what we're even gonna do. watching wall-e is about the only thing I have planned.

though.. most of the people coming are musicians. maybe I should ask them to bring their instruments? haha =) if anyone has suggestions, please tell me x_X I'm really scrapped for ideas.

and off to clean the house to prepare..

dreams.

december 30th.

my day of birth. one that was supposed to be happy and enjoyable, to be celebrated with friends.

last night's rendition wasn't quite so perfect.

--

the day began. enthusiastic, I rose out of bed.. to find someone that I always wanted to see in my room. one of my best friends. how did he get there? moreover, why was he there? these thoughts crossed my mind as he rose out of the chair. stuck in the dream, I continued, making conscious decisions; it was like real life, except with a surreal twist that made it all too good to be true..

I walked over to him. there were no words I could speak that would properly convey my thoughts. instead, he approached me with a light embrace. I reciprocated. how starved I felt.. I couldn't let go. spending a few precious moments in this state.. it suddenly disappeared.

I found myself in purgatory, full of darkness.

futilely flailing in the darkness, I couldn't see. I couldn't understand what was happening.

some time passed before I discovered myself back in my room. my friend was no longer there. how I wished he was.. I felt so empty after having him taken away.

I took a glance at my phone. the date and time registered in my mind.

7:57AM. 12/30/08.

three hours. I had time to prepare for it.

sadly, however, those three hours mutated into an obscenely long time.

no one arrived. no one called. no one informed me of any late arrivals or evening surprises.

I walked in the freezing rain, waiting for someone, anyone, to come. for hours, I traversed the path from my house to the gate, where my friends would enter.

nothing.

I wondered: where were my friends? where did one of my best friends disappear to? how come no one told me they weren't coming?

the harsh reality dawned upon me. maybe they're no longer there.. maybe they've abandoned me. just like everyone else back then..

I felt my heart accelerate. was I still conscious? how am I still thinking? how did everything happen? it wasn't supposed to be like this..

before I could consider any drastic actions, it all ended.

with the manifestation of my greatest fear, the tears fell, with no one left to wipe them.

nightmares.

the tourists made their way along the precariously-hanging bridge in the forest.

a solitary boy in the group felt tired, and decided to lie down on the damp grass. exhausted by his travels, he rested himself for a brief moment.

all too soon, anarchy assumed its position as leader.

a savage lion ripped its way towards the tourists, tearing plants from their roots, leaving a trail of debris and dirt. the blood-curdling screams only served to further boil the beast's aggressive blood.

fear took on a tangible form. the lion had a gleeful smile on its face as it targeted the first of its prey.

chaos ensued.

a boy of four years lay mangled, his legs ripped apart, his body eviscerated. a mother grieved for her lost son, tears flying as she ran from the corpse of her creation.

bile rose to the resting boy as he realized the grave danger he was in. he wanted to run, but he was cornered. before he could make a move, the beast approached him.. its eyes had a carnal longing visible within them.

the boy knew he would not survive.

just as the lion lunged for the boy, he suddenly awoke with a start.

his room.. his dark room.. everything was as it should have been in his bedroom, except for the images of carnage and his accelerated heart rate.

fantasy.
a land of lost dreams
where a ray of hope,
a glimmer of happiness,
exist without fail.

reality.
a warped rendition,
it fails to succeed
in ever achieving.

love,
it begot two bastard twins;
lust and sin.

hope,
it exists as a motivator.
an incomprehensible thing,
lacking only a corporeal form.

the cake is a lie.

this is vicky's fault.

anyhoo.. hurray. a blog.

I dunno what to write about.

well, I have a performance tomorrow (cello quartet thingy). and my pinky hurts from an obscene amount of practice. bleh. >_>

then I'm going up to San Francisco on Wednesday, coming back on possibly Saturday or Sunday.

birthday on the 30th, two days after I come back.

I wonder why I was ever hopeful. I thought things would change.