first day--

I'll give school time before I judge it. it deserves that much, at least.

however, just to say, I enjoyed the summer pre-calc class with Williams far more than I enjoyed any moment of today. yes, it was hard, but it was fun.

hardxxrockxxlife: virginity

makes

any paper better when you toss it in there

haha

in response to my irony paper for TLAOW. where I refer to losing my "beach virginity" LOL

Min Lee,

your writing is fucking hilarious. and still amazingly written at the same time. I love it.

I just wanted to say that. not that you'll ever see this. LOL

another nightmare..

Mr. Stevens was giving a demonstration in his Physics class.

I paid close attention to him, until I heard the shrieking of students and the discordant sound of an alarm.

I tore my gaze from the demo to the classroom door. Through the plexiglass window, I could see flames erupting from the ceiling, black smoke wrapping itself around the previously clean hallway. No one acted; no one did anything. I took charge and grabbed the fire extinguisher, ran outside, and attempted to stunt the fire's growth. My success was limited; I chased students out whilst fighting the fire, a feat that I did not think was possible.

I ran back and forth from both entrances of the science building, taming the fires, so that the students and teachers in their science classes could escape the flaming building. When everyone escaped, I felt a sigh of relief come up, only to be choked by one realization.

The fire extinguisher ran out.

Crimson walls of fire blocked both of my escape routes. There was no place to take refuge in this gasoline-doused inferno. I grew dizzy from the smoke's fumes, filling my body, depriving my body and brain of oxygen.

The flames soon enveloped me. The acrid smell of burning flesh lingered in my nose whilst I screamed in agony from the pain of seared, burnt flesh.

I thought to myself, "At least you saved those people. Maybe you'll be forgiven now. Maybe someone will care.."

I was trapped in a hell on earth. Forgotten by those who I saved, forgotten by everyone.. No one came to my rescue. No one bothered to find me, even after I had saved so many people's lives.

And the burning continued until what remained was no longer human. A skeleton hidden within the ashes of a corpse's flesh.

I wonder..

what ultimately led me to where I am today.

a little over three years ago, I cried and mourned for my late brother.

two years ago, I obsessed over someone I knew online.

a year ago, I became a Christian. and rapidly deteriorated, in terms of spirituality, as well as health.

now.. where am I now?

guilt-ridden, self-denying.. I can't say I'm in a much better place than I was after all those years. I don't even recognize myself from all those years back. and to be honest, I have forgotten a lot of what has happened in the past three years. actually, I don't remember anything at all. my childhood is a blur, except for traumatic memories that continue to haunt me to this day. there isn't much that stands out, besides painful memories.

I really question my existence, now especially, of all times. what am I doing here? am I happy? what purpose am I serving?

I really wonder.. what do I have left? they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. but right now, I'm feeling very weak. I can't fathom how my future will be. I don't even know how I'm going to survive in school. what kind of a social life will I now lead, given that I haven't been with friends in my graduating class that much? will they accept me? will I even want to be back with them?

I miss the days when being lonely was expected. at least I knew I was going to be lonely then, rather than not knowing what will happen at all.

the nightmares...

are getting worse.

--

an explosion on the freeway ramp near a reservoir has led to a disastrous situation. a rescue team has been dispatched to save those whom are in danger.

--

I attempted to tread water, but could not. my lack of athletic ability in the water was my downfall. I watched as my friends swam to safey, unaware that I was missing from their group. the one that was capable of saving me watched as I drowned, unable to make it to the surface for that one last breath of air. soon, my eyes grew blank, my breathing nonexistent; a floating corpse on the scene. it was just one of the countless casualties of this unexpected disaster.

OC Fair.

I wanted to write a long-winded, detailed blog entry about this particular day, but I am lacking in the energy required to do such a thing.

so, I'll just keep this brief.

going to the O.C. Fair was probably one of the best days of my summer so far. so many fun things, so many new experiences, both terrifying and joyful. a combination of happiness, fear, and pity mixed within my heart, and gave me a newfound love for my friends, whether they be new, close, or even unknown to me. I realized that it doesn't matter what you know about someone or something, or what you're capable of; all that matters is that you enjoy every moment.

I am happy to say that today was very enjoyable. whether it be the inside jokes, the people I saw and became friends with, or the terrifying experience of riding a mechanical device that seems eager to throw you off at any given moment, today was amazing. there is no question about the authenticity of today's pure awe-filling events. I only wish that the simple joy of going out with friends would not be marred by the dirty hands of life. but hey, I am getting the hang of this.

I'm so glad I have so many great people around me. thanks, to all of you..