a little over three years ago, I cried and mourned for my late brother.
two years ago, I obsessed over someone I knew online.
a year ago, I became a Christian. and rapidly deteriorated, in terms of spirituality, as well as health.
now.. where am I now?
guilt-ridden, self-denying.. I can't say I'm in a much better place than I was after all those years. I don't even recognize myself from all those years back. and to be honest, I have forgotten a lot of what has happened in the past three years. actually, I don't remember anything at all. my childhood is a blur, except for traumatic memories that continue to haunt me to this day. there isn't much that stands out, besides painful memories.
I really question my existence, now especially, of all times. what am I doing here? am I happy? what purpose am I serving?
I really wonder.. what do I have left? they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. but right now, I'm feeling very weak. I can't fathom how my future will be. I don't even know how I'm going to survive in school. what kind of a social life will I now lead, given that I haven't been with friends in my graduating class that much? will they accept me? will I even want to be back with them?
I miss the days when being lonely was expected. at least I knew I was going to be lonely then, rather than not knowing what will happen at all.
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