Dreams.

Why does my body haunt me even in my sleep? Now I can't even close my eyes or think in fear of what I dreamt of.

Why is friendship so hard? Why must I keep blurring the lines? Why do I so badly seek someone's touch?

It makes me want to not go to the beach on Monday. Fear. Sigh..

earthly desires.

I long for a person that I love (not like or lust for). Someone to be my personal teddy bear. I wonder why it's so hard to ask people for a hug sometimes.

--

I desire money. I'm greedy -- everything I'm doing is either in the pursuit of money, or in the pursuit of fulfilling my greedy desires.

A part of me likes showing off this new toy. This electric cello. It brings me happiness; I can practice late into the night now (I just finished practicing; altogether, I've played perhaps six or seven hours today). It's a new thing to say; "Hey, guess what? I have an electric cello! ^_^". Something really eventful.

But a part of me sees it as something negative.. Namely, this aspect of myself that continually says, "Hey guess what, I got an electric cello!" in most conversations. I guess I feel like a show off? Or like I'm gloating about obtaining my newest possession.

Don't get me wrong. I really do love it. Really.. It sounds amazing. I haven't touched my acoustic cello ever since getting it. But now that I have it, there's so many more things that I want to go with it. An amp, effect pedals, EQ things, pre-amps.. There's so much in the world of electronic instruments that are nice, but not quite a necessity.

For at least a year or two, I have been saving up money for this purchase. From $0 to $750 in two years. It has been, without a doubt, one of the best decisions in my life; I really love this instrument. It sounds... glorious, for lack of a better way to say it. It has lived up to my expectations, and so much more; I love what it has enabled me to do.

I can now share my music, how I truly sound, with my friends.

I hope I don't come off as pompous and "yes I'm all that", but I like chatting with people on AIM and playing music for them in voice chats. It's really fun.. And it makes me feel better about myself. I don't know about those that haven't heard it already, but the general consensus amongst those who have is that it's pretty damn pro.

All I need is a personal teddy bear to hug and cuddle, and I'll be satisfied. Hopefully?

People to note that have made this week awesome:

-Philip (for having cool hair and letting me hang out with him on Friday)

-Taemin (for being t3h k00l k1d)

-Julie (for talking to me late into the night and linking me to websites to play awesome sauce music from)

-Aaron (for texting me and making my day better with a spontaneous conversation)

-Lauren (for driving me home when it was 100 degrees Fahrenheit)

-Claire (for singing Hellogoodbye songs with me in English)

desires.

can I have your friendship? a sign that you care? the undying love you show towards others?

nah.. I'm not the one. I never was, and I never will be.

I wish I wouldn't get ahead of myself. having unsatisfied expectations is not good.

--

I wish I could apologize to you, Shannen, and redeem myself. I wish I could ask you in person why you're colder now than you were before. why we're not really friends anymore..?

I regret the decisions I've made. and I'm doing something now to correct what you told me was wrong.. but it's not working, is it?

I'll talk to you about it. eventually. when we're not so emotionally stressed. in the meantime, I'll take my just punishment.

music.

from the player to the instrument, a player's emotions and technique are conveyed.

true talent -- one that is achieved through years of practice -- could otherwise be called expertise.

I spent the past two days with a great friend and musician. his skills and talents at music -- they are unrivalled by anything I have seen before.

and playing with such a person, someone whose playing is so impeccable and sings gloriously.. the sound of a violin and a cello intertwining, melody and harmony blending into beautiful music..

I discovered the true beauty of music. the rich tones that create the music we listen to today.

recordings do not do true music justice. it is IMPOSSIBLE to capture the true sound, the feeling of being encapsulated by the sound, of being a part of it..

there is no comparison.