headaches.

I'm not even quite sure why I had a bad one yesterday, but because of it I couldn't sleep. so I ended up getting around three or so hours of sleep again, for the second day in a row.

I guess I should be getting used to it at this point, but I can't help but feel that my time spent helplessly wriggling in bed is a waste. true, it's in order to get me to sleep.. but what point is there in doing it when it takes hours for me to sleep? when the pain that haunts my body refuses to leave, offering me a brief reprieve for only so few hours at a time?

I said I'd be better, but it's so hard to when in this state, and when things are going badly. I've already suffered a nervous breakdown. I'm also not quite sure how well I can hide things anymore. I need to, not just for my own sake, but for others..

my mom picked me up yesterday from a friend's house. I asked her to come at 5:30PM, but she ended up arriving at nearly 7PM. why? because her coworker invited her along for dinner. it's great to know that your son is less important than your coworker's dinner outing. I suppose that it was best that she DID end up being late. but when I got into the car, she made a comment like, "Alex, how was your day? oh, I know already, it was okay; you're ALWAYS okay!". in truth, I had just recovered from a mental breakdown.

it really strikes me as strange.. just, how ignorant my parents are. how blind they are. how oblivious they are to the son that they have. how much they don't know and never will know. perhaps it's a form of self-induced neglect. or maybe just me being unreasonable; that in itself isn't too hard to believe.

to one person: I'm really quite curious as to whether or not what you told me various times was the truth. sure, I guess you won't read this, but it'll remind me to ask you.. not that I'll need the motivation to. but really... I wonder what convinced you that you and your family would be okay with it. in the event that it does happen, I wonder if it'll really be alright..