track makes me feel like crap. not just because I feel incredibly inadequate in comparison to everyone else, but also because I'm trying my hardest and STILL falling behind the people who are barely trying.

I always wished that I could have been athletic. it seems a bit greedy of me to want to be good at everything, but truthfully, I'm quite competitive. in sports, I get very frustrated because of my inadequacy or lack of endurance. it doesn't help my self-esteem to constantly be last when running, feeling out-of-breath before the real practice even starts.

I keep questioning my decision to join.. when I think about it, I'm really no good. so why am I still there? why do I bother trying so hard when I'm just going to fail anyways? it's the same with everything: no matter how hard I try, I still end up on the bottom.

it doesn't matter what it's in anymore; everything has ended in failure. choir? I thought I was an alright singer, maybe even good, but I failed so hard at that. I failed to get solos when I wanted them. not everyone does.. but I really thought I had a chance with some of them. and music? even though I practice, my skills never seem to get any better. my friendships? some of them have withered and died, whereas some of them are the epitome of awkward turtle.

I can't help but think I'm a failure with everything weighing down on me. it feels like success isn't even a possibility anymore.. giving up seems like the only option I have.

oh, and sleep. something that's supposed to offer a reprieve from stress and life, and let me rest.. I've spent so many nights just lying down in bed, unable to fall asleep. I'm not talking about just one or two hours.. and I've been exhausted when I lie down, too. for three nights in a row, I'd try to sleep at 7PM, but I wouldn't fall asleep til 12AM or 1AM. and I had barely any sleep the night before those. I was so mentally and physically exhausted on Wednesday.. I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt the tears roll down my face. my voice was so monotone even when I was crying. I couldn't even walk without some kind of support. I didn't even go to school because I was so extremely exhausted..

my mom got into an argument again with me today because I "procrastinate and am always tired". it's not my fault that I can't fall asleep. does it look like I'm forcing myself to stay up when I want to sleep? why can't you understand that it's not my fault? why is it that you choose to ignore everything that happens to me, and expect me to fulfill the role of the son that you never cared for? you "care"; I'd like to see you genuinely care. the last time you showed that you cared was when my brother was on his deathbed. does it take death for you to realize that you haven't successfully done your job as a parent? will you push me to that point?

perhaps... but no... I made a promise...

what good is honoring that promise when I won't be able to be reprimanded after breaking it?