running away.

what lives we live,

to meet the expectations of others, maybe ourselves.

what truths we face,

experiencing revelations.

what lies we make,

to escape the pain.

--

for the past month I've been running. from my fears? from my problems? no.. from my heart.

I have successfully dissociated myself with the ones truly important to me. for a month, my mind lay blank as I attempted to escape. utter bliss; pain was in remission, happiness seemed to be a possibility.

well.. not entirely.

I dreamt of them again. this time, it wasn't good.. he put on a hoodie and tried to escape from me. tried to blend in with the crowd, to hide from me. what is my mind trying to tell me..?

after this dream, I awoke with memories flooding my mind. memories of what bad I have done, of what you have done for me.. and the knowledge that we weren't likely to ever be good friends again. maybe in the future, you can learn to forgive me for what I've done.. I'll just do my best to show you that I've changed for the better. I know you'd like to give me a second chance, but quite frankly, I don't think I would do it if I were in your shoes.

I am so tired.. and these memories that I kept at bay have again stolen my sleep.

forgiveness is something we can only obtain on the behalf of others' kindness. and one must have the strength, the belief in themselves, to say to themselves that they are truly sorry for what they have done. until them.. forgiveness remains an impossible feat to accomplish.

"Their actions have meaning because they act out of their own free will. What would be the point if everything happened as I wished it? I don't think that would be beautiful at all." - Brave Story