Car Ride.

So today, I decided to stay after school for a bit, hang out for a bit.

A friend of mine was really bummed out because of the Calculus AB final. He has a D in the class, and calculated his grade, and it'll probably remain a D unless the test is miraculously curved. I felt really bad for him, so I decided to treat him to lunch. Albertacos is a great source of pity food.

A couple hours later, his younger sister's friends decided that they wanted to get Yogurtland, which is on the way to my house. The only caveat? Seven people in one compact car that fits five people.

We stuffed Nick and Lynna into the car after shoving everyone else in. I was in the back, and Nick was basically sitting down on my lap and lying down on me. It was great; I got to hug him for the entire car ride =] I've never been in someone's personal space for so long, nor has anyone ever minded me being that close to them before. It was really fun! I enjoyed holding him close to me and feeling his heartbeat and warmth.. and of course, the insanity that ensued while we were in the car XD Tickling and laughing and jokes.. Hehe. We must do this again!

I have a newfound love for the sophomores. =]

Hope

Where am I?

Here is black and white.

All I want is to see you again,

I can't stop crying.

In my heart among hearts,

Brutal memories and soundless voices struggle.

I believed our happiness would last forever

After I lost you, the Light,

Depressing nights have fallen on me.

I still recall your smile,

When your tenderness filled my heart.

I treasure it in my mind,

Your precious smile that lasts forever.

My happiness's gone, but I'm alive

While babies are born, some people die.

I can never see you again,

the Light I found,

You're gone..

I still recall your smile,

When your tenderness fulfilled my heart.

I treasure it in my mind,

Your precious smile that lasts forever.

Hope

I can see it.

A wisp of a dream became reality.

I've been accepted into a family that is not my own. Not under false pretenses, but under the idea that they care about me and want me to see better days than I have. Perhaps it's a bit of a stretch to truly consider them my family, but undoubtedly I would be seeing worse days if it weren't for them.

I feel a bit sad that I can't see the Okada family everyday, or even that often. However, their compassion for me has lessened the ceaseless grief that I experienced in my solitude.

It's slow progress, but progress nonetheless. Maybe these micro-miracles can be enough to satiate me. Who knows? Only time will tell, at this point.

Things are looking up now, but I'm still a bit sad. You can't have everything, though, can you?

Mood.

It is fascinating how such vast differences exist between bad and good moods. It may simply be ignorance on my part, but coming to the realization that I am capable of having fun just blew my mind away.

I'm glad I'm in a good mood now. I hope it lasts.

Rain.

The pitter-patter of rain on my windows calms me. It distracts me from the inevitable silence, and yet, doesn't tear my attention away from any deep thoughts I'm having. Cold nights, warm blankets; I find myself seeking comfort in hugging inanimate objects, either pretending that they are something or someone else, or that they something or someone I have yet to meet or experience. It's a pleasing thought; to feel as if I'm not so alone. The constancy of rain is great.

Though I still wish I were more capable. It's not too late for that.. but do I really want to trust more in people? What will I have to gain? Unshed tears? What purpose is there in trusting people again? All I've gotten is a mouthful of "fuck off"s or "go away"s; of course, they were much more politely stated, but the same general idea is there.

Meh. I don't know. I just want to trust people and not feel quite so insecure about myself. Maybe I'm only living for my own selfish needs after all. But hey, I do things for others; not for my sake, but for their's.

What Can I Say?

Failure looms overhead; its inevitability spoils the beginnings of each "new day." We attempt to dissuade ourselves otherwise with optimism, but stray thoughts of negativity destroy the facade we create for ourselves and for others around us.

We choose to believe in people, society, or even humanity. But at what cost? When we choose to believe and our beliefs of "they'll be there for me" or "I do matter" are shattered by reality, our levels of faith diminish significantly. Faith, faith; what is 'faith'? Is it believing in other people? In God? Can someone who has grown up alone, in plain solitude, develop the necessary attitude and mindset to become more sociable?

A single person cannot live alone. I know this. But depending on the goodwill of others for comfort and friendship and generic happiness only leads to more frustration, which begets hatred and gives birth to personal demons.

The realm of the living is really just hell itself.

Lost.

I blankly stared at my surroundings. At a certain person. At all the beautiful people on the USC campus. At the squirrel as it dashed up a tree.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do or think anymore. Every glimmer of hope that I hold onto gets torn into shreds.

I would hope that I don't find myself lost in a void anytime soon. A shame it would be to lose my life this early, but my insane expectations of others coupled with my own lack of self-esteem create an environment where impossibilities like death become feasible.

I wish something would deliver sweet justice to me already. A car accident, poisoned food, destructive drugs.. Something. Anything. I just don't want to be consumed by my own irrational fears.

Of Our Own Volition.

As humans, it's only natural for us to desire respect and common courtesy from others; in fact, sometimes we desire more than just mere respect and courtesy.

A nod of acknowledgement. Someone to cheer us up. Friendships.

But what happens when we demand something from someone incapable of providing what we crave? We delude ourselves into believing that the other person is willing-- no, impatient even-- to relieve us of our unspoken desires.

We set ourselves up for the next fall in our lives. Our sense of judgment becomes skewed; we trick ourselves into believing something that isn't true, couldn't possibly come true, and will always remain in the world of fantasy.

Founded upon on the basis of abstract concepts like "kindness" and "love", the initial conception of these thoughts begins with an act. An act that we believe to be done out of the goodness of someone's heart. These thoughts soon multiply and fester, until reality pops them with its sharp points.

Asking for someone to do something for you doesn't give you the same sense of satisfaction or surprise as them doing it of their own volition. Surprises, after all, are what make our lives worth living. To know that not every day will be the same; that element of surprise keeps us coming for more.

--

Yet, I can't shake the feeling that many of my friendships would fail. No, not because I'm unfriendly, but because the other parties lack the initiative. I want to tell myself that if these people aren't willing to maintain with me, as opposed to letting me run it, then they're not worth being friends with me.

However, these are people that I treasure. But maybe they don't value our friendship that much. Maybe they don't really want to be friends with me. Maybe they don't want to exert the effort to maintain our friendship.

Are these people worth it..? When you go for weeks and months without talking to them, yet you still long to have them at your side..

".. act of your own volition, not another person's.."

Ramblings.

The talent show went quite well. Though, I think they should reconsider the name of it.. In my eyes, it seems to be a glorified choir show, composed of bands and ensembles that work together. Despite that, the people in it are quite talented.. The 7th grade pianist has skills that surpass anything I've ever heard of in my life; he intimidates me. Not only his skill, though.

I'm scared for his social life, his future career, and his own family life. When someone is blessed with such a talent, it's natural for parents to fawn over that specific talent.. But I wonder if his parents forced him to get to such a high level of performance. I wonder if his talents are loved, as opposed to him as a person. It would be quite sad if his parents valued him only for his prodigious skill at playing the piano. Not to mention, if he reached that level when he's a 7th grader.. How much time and effort was put into his training? It must have taken hours upon hours of concentrated effort; I can't imagine how much he practiced to get to that level. However, I have a feeling that it was not entirely of his volition, to reach that level.

As children, we often do as we are told. But knowing the strict guidelines that Asian parents often impose upon their children, I think it's safe to assume that his parents pressured him to practice to get to that level.

As regular people, we tend to be attracted to other people for certain reasons. Whether it be their physical appearance, their skills and abilities, or their personality, there is always something that causes that initial spark of attraction. This begs the question: where would we be without our own interests and preferences? How would we have friends without this?

Although it is a necessity for our interests to exist, that necessity has so many cons that its pros are almost nullified. We live our lives, around the people we consider 'friends'... But what is a friend? Someone who will talk to you when you're down? A person that you simply know the name of?

How do you know when you "know" someone? How do you know when someone is willing to be there for you? When they're unwilling to talk to you, does that make them not your friend? Where are the lines blurred in terms of friendships and acquaintances?

Moreover.. What is a "best friend"? Someone that you can talk to about your deepest secrets? Someone that won't judge you? Someone that can nourish your life, and vice versa?

I feel terrible when I see someone that I know, and I feel embarrassed to say hi to them. I see countless people that I 'know' throughout school, and I'd like to say hi to them or engage in conversation with them.. But this nagging feeling inside me tells me that they wouldn't want to say hi back. Or that they would be indifferent towards it, and ignore it. My lack of a projecting voice and shyness don't help, either.

I want to know so much.. There's not enough time. I lack the determination and motivation to seek the answers to these question. I remain at a standstill with many friendships; in fact, the majority of them have disintegrated to the point of nonexistence. There is no underlying foundation between us anymore; we're strangers now.

I wish I could be there for someone. To feel like I'm important, or relied on. After all, one of the natural human desires is to be cared for.. When someone opens up to me, it makes me feel accomplished: that I was trustworthy enough for that person to tell me something that they deemed important.

I've opened up to many people in the past few weeks. Whether or not that was a good choice, I will find out soon.. Though, I find it depressing that something like someone's secret can be so easily thrown around by people who don't even know the person in question. Like, so-and-so lost their virginity, this group of people do drugs, et cetera.

I would fear that happening to me, but it's happened already. I'm gonna have a great time dealing with that.

Some days.

Some days just leave you breathless.

The way they turn out.. Utter perfection, all through chance.

I look forward to another day like yesterday. =)