give up the game,
it's not worth playing.
just stop the pain,
before I'm truly maimed.

1600mg of ibuprofen,
four medicated patches of Salonpas;
they offer only a temporary reprieve,
long enough for a brief sleep.

--

stop it with thine self,
stop relying on others,
stop expecting "help".

stop screwing around,
vying for compassion and attention.

destroy these thoughts and feelings,
these desires for compassion and attention,
expel them to the depths of purgatory.

conquer thyself,
thine unwanted features;
manipulate them, mold them
to thine own heart's content.

create something anew from the cesspool of thy self,
a being better than before;
grant thee strength needed
to awaken such a thing.

the persona
Alex Lee //True Form//
has emerged from the sea of your soul..

It's no longer there.

I don't know why I'm still here.

I don't know why I'm here in the first place.

I keep deceiving myself into believing that it's there.. But no. It never will be. Yet, I refuse to accept this fact.

It's not just the lack of that.. But, the lack of reason. The lack of motivation. The lack of joy and happiness.

At one point in my life, I believed that I wouldn't be alone.. That solitude would be banished by the warmth of physical intimacy. Yet, here I am now. And here I will remain.

And so I ask, what is the point now?

The answer is simple.

There is none.

.. i want some kind of reassurance..

.. i don't want to sleep anymore..

.. i can't handle these nightmares anymore.. multiple face-to-face rejections from you are enough. but, to count, over thirty..?

.. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i don't want to be this way.. i don't want to constantly be depressed. i hate the standards i imposed on you; the expectations; the hope that i deceived myself into having.

i want to say 'no more' to all of these useless and unfruitful 'hopes', but inevitably, i will find myself falling into them again. i want to abandon them, in the hopes that i will be free, free at last.

but no.

i will suffer, because i am too weak to conquer my sinful soul. i will cry, because i know that we were never meant to be together -- even in mere friendship. i will lament the broken promises that were made, because you lacked true understanding of my situation needed in order to fully understand the promise you made.

i have been trying. i have tried my fucking hardest. but i still haven't changed one bit.

i can blame only myself. there's no point in pointing fingers.. i know that this is all my fault.

so where do i go from here? how do i prevent myself from falling into this cycle of depression again and again?

i always believed that you had an answer. but i also always knew that you were just as clueless as i was. blind hope never prevented me from deceiving myself.

i want to disappear.. i really despise living in such turmoil..

A restful week. Or rather, a deathly wait.

Why do I even bother anymore? I've asked myself that question so many times now; at this point, many people doubt my credibility, and roll their eyes if I even hint at the fact that I'm depressed.

I'm lonely. I'm so lonely.

I'm not saying this to make people pity me and try to help me out. I just need to let it out somehow. I have no outlets anymore. I have no one to turn to who will truly care about what I have to say or how I feel. My "friends" run at the first opportunity they get.

I always wonder why I feel this way. Why "love" is so elusive in my life. Why I trust people who lie to me. Why I'm such a terrible person. Why nothing works out.

I'm not going to do anything drastic.. Not now, at least. But honestly, I wish I had succeeded in the various attempts I made. I really despise living right now. Everything is dragging.. Sleep constantly eludes me.. I feel miserable just lying down in bed, contemplating all the crap that's happened to me, knowing that my situation isn't likely to improve..

I guess I was just too hopeful. And subsequently had my hopes crushed for the hundredth time. You would think that by now I would get used to the pain, but no, I haven't.

I sound whiny right now, and I care that I do, but it's necessary. And to whoever's reading this who wants to tell me to shut up, I don't care what you have to say. Bottling up my emotions and thoughts may not affect you, but it certainly kills my mood. So stop reading if all you're going to do is something analogous to complaining about the lack of meat in a vegetarian restaurant. This is my blog; what do you expect?

I want a piano. And school to come back in session.

Spring Break isn't restful.. It's sapping away my energy with each passing hour.

progress.

progress is a great thing. one that cannot be measured; there is no SI unit for the measurement of "progress". but I know some has been made.

sorry for seemingly ignoring you. it was a necessary evil, but it ultimately helped. in all honesty, though, it was because for so long I was too ashamed to talk to you, to even look at you..

hopefully, we'll be on better terms. yesterday was a good start on a new beginning. and hopefully, the imminent end won't be so bad, either. it's more of a hiatus, but to my mind, it seemed like 'the end'.

implosion.

I want to cry, but I already did in English on Friday. I don't even know why it happened then.

Despite what you say, I'm not going to simply "get better". I can't deal with this on my own.

I know you'll disagree with me, and you'll think that I'm capable of pulling myself out of this.. but no. I know I'm not capable.

I'm trying, but it's not enough. I need a boost. I need your help..

Why did I keep telling you that I've given up? Because I wanted you to help me out..

Maybe it's not a necessity, but I just want some support from you. Perhaps a hug at the end of the day.. Or even just talking to me. Or a high-five. Or a few signs that we'll be friends again. Or that you care.

I'm very close to the edge. You saw me at it. And what did you do? You hit me to chastise me for something stupid I'd done.

I hate being miserable, but I hate it when you ignore me even more. It spawns jealousy and hatred in my heart. It makes me want to give up.

I wonder what happened to the friend that I had.. Then I remember that I ultimately caused our friendship to disintegrate. So it's my fault.

Everything is my fault..