.. i want some kind of reassurance..

.. i don't want to sleep anymore..

.. i can't handle these nightmares anymore.. multiple face-to-face rejections from you are enough. but, to count, over thirty..?

.. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i don't want to be this way.. i don't want to constantly be depressed. i hate the standards i imposed on you; the expectations; the hope that i deceived myself into having.

i want to say 'no more' to all of these useless and unfruitful 'hopes', but inevitably, i will find myself falling into them again. i want to abandon them, in the hopes that i will be free, free at last.

but no.

i will suffer, because i am too weak to conquer my sinful soul. i will cry, because i know that we were never meant to be together -- even in mere friendship. i will lament the broken promises that were made, because you lacked true understanding of my situation needed in order to fully understand the promise you made.

i have been trying. i have tried my fucking hardest. but i still haven't changed one bit.

i can blame only myself. there's no point in pointing fingers.. i know that this is all my fault.

so where do i go from here? how do i prevent myself from falling into this cycle of depression again and again?

i always believed that you had an answer. but i also always knew that you were just as clueless as i was. blind hope never prevented me from deceiving myself.

i want to disappear.. i really despise living in such turmoil..