reflection.

utterly and completely consumed.

fantasy turns to reality.

tugging on heartstrings.

I should not think or say "final goodbye". nor should I treat it as such.

in reality, however, I had said goodbye long ago. uttered it within the corners of my mind. echoed it amongst the depths of my psyche. reflected it through my actions and words.

it is hard to let go. it is hard to say 'goodbye'.

it takes a monstrous effort to work so hard, to work towards a brighter future for oneself.. and yet, after all this time, what good did it do? I'm not quite sure if I'm in a better place now than I was before.

it is still so easy to break that facade I put up. actions and thoughts and words threaten to rend that barrier. despite words I've said, promises I've made, I can't stop this emotion from tearing me apart. I can't help but want to give up. what "progress" is this? where I regress into bickering and ranting about shit?

melancholy is something we all experience. it was used by medicine in the past that depended on the four humors to accurately diagnose patients. it was called melancholy because of melan (black) and khole (bile). depression was believed to be caused by an excess of this black bile within a person's system.

at this point in time, everything seems so dark. pain clutches at my heart. guilt haunts me for having caused so much anguish. anguish itself has already claimed my heart.

regrets are aplenty. being helpless and making life miserable for myself and many other people is a large one. I wish I didn't have to cause so much trouble..

self-worth is impossible to maintain.

life is impossible to go through without breaking down.

I can't fight this feeling anymore. this incessant, nagging feeling that I am a worthless piece of shit, that I will never find anyone who will (gasp) love me as I love them, that I am useless, that I will live a lonely life, that my friends will not come to rescue me (God knows how many times that has happened), that ultimately I will live a life filled with misery.

I don't want to have to say goodbye. I don't want to leave everyone behind. I don't want to suffer like this.

I don't want to see that disheartened look anymore, though I know I cause it. I don't want to see someone suffer at my hands. I don't want to be like this.

I suppose we must all make sacrifices and compromises.. some invariably worth more than others.

I'm sorry for being a terrible friend.

I'm sorry for wearing my heart on a sleeve.

I'm sorry I couldn't change..