track makes me feel like crap. not just because I feel incredibly inadequate in comparison to everyone else, but also because I'm trying my hardest and STILL falling behind the people who are barely trying.

I always wished that I could have been athletic. it seems a bit greedy of me to want to be good at everything, but truthfully, I'm quite competitive. in sports, I get very frustrated because of my inadequacy or lack of endurance. it doesn't help my self-esteem to constantly be last when running, feeling out-of-breath before the real practice even starts.

I keep questioning my decision to join.. when I think about it, I'm really no good. so why am I still there? why do I bother trying so hard when I'm just going to fail anyways? it's the same with everything: no matter how hard I try, I still end up on the bottom.

it doesn't matter what it's in anymore; everything has ended in failure. choir? I thought I was an alright singer, maybe even good, but I failed so hard at that. I failed to get solos when I wanted them. not everyone does.. but I really thought I had a chance with some of them. and music? even though I practice, my skills never seem to get any better. my friendships? some of them have withered and died, whereas some of them are the epitome of awkward turtle.

I can't help but think I'm a failure with everything weighing down on me. it feels like success isn't even a possibility anymore.. giving up seems like the only option I have.

oh, and sleep. something that's supposed to offer a reprieve from stress and life, and let me rest.. I've spent so many nights just lying down in bed, unable to fall asleep. I'm not talking about just one or two hours.. and I've been exhausted when I lie down, too. for three nights in a row, I'd try to sleep at 7PM, but I wouldn't fall asleep til 12AM or 1AM. and I had barely any sleep the night before those. I was so mentally and physically exhausted on Wednesday.. I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt the tears roll down my face. my voice was so monotone even when I was crying. I couldn't even walk without some kind of support. I didn't even go to school because I was so extremely exhausted..

my mom got into an argument again with me today because I "procrastinate and am always tired". it's not my fault that I can't fall asleep. does it look like I'm forcing myself to stay up when I want to sleep? why can't you understand that it's not my fault? why is it that you choose to ignore everything that happens to me, and expect me to fulfill the role of the son that you never cared for? you "care"; I'd like to see you genuinely care. the last time you showed that you cared was when my brother was on his deathbed. does it take death for you to realize that you haven't successfully done your job as a parent? will you push me to that point?

perhaps... but no... I made a promise...

what good is honoring that promise when I won't be able to be reprimanded after breaking it?

no good.

I wonder how long I can keep going. I already broke down yesterday.

the only reason why I'm still going is because I can't bear to break your heart. had I fully achieved my objective yesterday, that would have most definitely happened.

well.. I've kept my promise. for your sake, I hope I continue to do so.

"I am God's child,
set upon this decayed Earth.
how do I live on such a field?
this isn't why I was born..

my stride succumbs to a sudden gust of wind,
it seems like I'll fall any moment
but these chains won't allow it.

having surrendered up my heart to you,
my feelings for you now lay scattered about,
I still don't know how to pick them up..

talk more about your 'reasons'
until I fall asleep.
I'm swathed in medicine that doesn't work
here, there is no sound.
what should I believe in?

I am God's child,
these sounds of anguish leave scars on my back.
'I can't hang out in this world'
it's my only thought
I have no place anywhere..

discomfort, a bitterly cold wall;
what will be the next thing to weaken me?
don't reach out your hand, even in the end,
you, of all people, will rescue me from the silence.
and time will speed the pain.."
-chihiro onitsuka // gekkou (moonlight)

psychiatric ward.

my mom is talking to herself.

she is also slamming doors and in a cleaning frenzy.

headaches.

I'm not even quite sure why I had a bad one yesterday, but because of it I couldn't sleep. so I ended up getting around three or so hours of sleep again, for the second day in a row.

I guess I should be getting used to it at this point, but I can't help but feel that my time spent helplessly wriggling in bed is a waste. true, it's in order to get me to sleep.. but what point is there in doing it when it takes hours for me to sleep? when the pain that haunts my body refuses to leave, offering me a brief reprieve for only so few hours at a time?

I said I'd be better, but it's so hard to when in this state, and when things are going badly. I've already suffered a nervous breakdown. I'm also not quite sure how well I can hide things anymore. I need to, not just for my own sake, but for others..

my mom picked me up yesterday from a friend's house. I asked her to come at 5:30PM, but she ended up arriving at nearly 7PM. why? because her coworker invited her along for dinner. it's great to know that your son is less important than your coworker's dinner outing. I suppose that it was best that she DID end up being late. but when I got into the car, she made a comment like, "Alex, how was your day? oh, I know already, it was okay; you're ALWAYS okay!". in truth, I had just recovered from a mental breakdown.

it really strikes me as strange.. just, how ignorant my parents are. how blind they are. how oblivious they are to the son that they have. how much they don't know and never will know. perhaps it's a form of self-induced neglect. or maybe just me being unreasonable; that in itself isn't too hard to believe.

to one person: I'm really quite curious as to whether or not what you told me various times was the truth. sure, I guess you won't read this, but it'll remind me to ask you.. not that I'll need the motivation to. but really... I wonder what convinced you that you and your family would be okay with it. in the event that it does happen, I wonder if it'll really be alright..

resolved.

holy crap thank God.

so, is this how it's going to be?

I'm sorry that I can no longer be your friend.

I'm sorry that things turned out the way that they did.

but I'm NOT sorry that I trust someone and want to be good friends with them. I don't see how that is problematic for our friendship when so many other people have more than what I have with this friend.

I know you probably won't read this, but I would prefer if you didn't drag other people into this.. I have enough trouble trying to be with my own friends. you told me that I need to stop being so unhappy.. but you ignore me utterly and completely. and this affects my other friendships with the friends we share.

I know it's greedy of me to ask it of you, especially considering that you're pissed off at me, but you know what? fine. I don't care anymore. I don't need any of those friends if they're going to simply ignore me and make me feel isolated when I'm trying my hardest to be happy. I don't need you.

just remember that you got mad at me. this is not like the last situation when a friend stopped talking to you; you caused this between us. if you want to be pissed off at me, fine. I don't care anymore. continuing to do so will only push me off the edge.

so long and farewell. hopefully we'll reconcile. if not, then that's too bad for us.

silence.

the bliss of solitude
offers us a brief moment of rest;
yet, it is a curse,
an unsightly blemish on the perfection we call "society"--

the loneliness soon mutates into doubt
and the ensuing feeling
brings a longing for companionship.

this ravenous desire
was eclipsed only by the yearning call of lust itself--
it threatened to destroy
the affinity.

"so long, farewell. may it make you happy to never see me again."

the words echoed in the caverns of my mind,
reverberating with growing intensity.

the self-induced seclusion
became too much to bear
as moist beads rolled down
the countenance of the sufferer.

I was right.

happiness never lasts.

fun.

I had a lot of fun at the class activity today, despite the little mishap at the beginning. what a way to end finals week. the only thing that was bad about it was that Casie neglected to do what she told me and my friend; we were supposed to be in the same group for the scavenger hunt, and she even told us we could be, but she displaced us about a minute or two after telling us that we'd be together. some organization.. meh.

Tim Pei and Harvey and Hannah are all good and funny people.. but I just don't connect well with them. it's just hard for me to talk to them. and I was looking forward to spending the entire day with my friend, so it's not like it was just by chance that we were there together. it just made me kind of mad and irritated that she would forget what she said so easily. and Hannah was so thoughtful, trying to contact my friend's group so we could 'steal' him back. haha. thank you, Hannah, that was so thoughtful of you, but it was really alright. regardless of how things turned out, I still had a lot of fun. Harvey and Tim are fun to be around, if only because their crazy antics are so interesting.

during the movie, I kept talking to my friend.. and after the movie I just couldn't stop. I just hung out with him for the time before the scavenger hunt and the entire time after the movie started; maybe three hours total? we went to Hollister and bought matching shirts. I wasn't sure what to get, so I just decided to get the same shirt he did; it was our first time shopping in a Hollister. haha.. on free dress days, we'll match. afterwards, we went to his house, and played a bit of piano. it was quite interesting to discover the level at which he plays at.. if I had a piano of my own, I might be at a similar level that he's at. overall, it was a really fun day.. I had no worries. I was so carefree for once. it's such a contrast to my normal, day-to-day life. I hope it stays like this, even though I know it won't. life sucks too much to stay good after such a good day.

and, holy crap. I can't believe it. my brother and I actually talked to each other for the first time in six months. it was quite long, but never dragging; it was for about three hours straight. it's kind of interesting... all these good things happening on one day. maybe something's changed or changing for the better? who knows. I just hope this elation never dissipates.

public transportation.

he watched people enter--
the old, the lonesome, the broken;
he was reminded of his own life.

'funny,' he thought to himself;
'these people are in a predicament worse than my own.'
his inquisitive eyes focused upon the obese woman (or is it a man?) taking three bus seats, an ancient man with a sunken face, a teenage mother attempting to corral her three infants into one seat.

he could not understand how the world continued revolving. how can everyone not stop and ignore these people? he was reminded of his aptly named "crappy day" at school. an instant after, visions of his life blurred past in his mind's eye. a few fleeting memories, barely visible, rushed past. suddenly, a plethora of thoughts sprang to his mind. a noose. the music room. a shimmery main gauche, glistening with blood. a pistol, with the acrid scent of gunpowder still lingering. a single, bleeding hole indicated the bullet's point-of-entry; the base of his skull, just like Lennie's--

'we are now approaching Harbor Boulevard and Lincoln Avenue.'

the boy snapped out of his reverie. he quickly pulled on the cord to indicate the bus's next stop. as it pulled into the curb, he awkwardly stumbled across the aisle, hoping that his façade would remain unbroken. exiting the public bus, not a word was uttered; however, all eyes focused on the boy. those simple, innocent bystanders were oblivious to the train of thought he just experienced.