Dreams.

Why does my body haunt me even in my sleep? Now I can't even close my eyes or think in fear of what I dreamt of.

Why is friendship so hard? Why must I keep blurring the lines? Why do I so badly seek someone's touch?

It makes me want to not go to the beach on Monday. Fear. Sigh..

earthly desires.

I long for a person that I love (not like or lust for). Someone to be my personal teddy bear. I wonder why it's so hard to ask people for a hug sometimes.

--

I desire money. I'm greedy -- everything I'm doing is either in the pursuit of money, or in the pursuit of fulfilling my greedy desires.

A part of me likes showing off this new toy. This electric cello. It brings me happiness; I can practice late into the night now (I just finished practicing; altogether, I've played perhaps six or seven hours today). It's a new thing to say; "Hey, guess what? I have an electric cello! ^_^". Something really eventful.

But a part of me sees it as something negative.. Namely, this aspect of myself that continually says, "Hey guess what, I got an electric cello!" in most conversations. I guess I feel like a show off? Or like I'm gloating about obtaining my newest possession.

Don't get me wrong. I really do love it. Really.. It sounds amazing. I haven't touched my acoustic cello ever since getting it. But now that I have it, there's so many more things that I want to go with it. An amp, effect pedals, EQ things, pre-amps.. There's so much in the world of electronic instruments that are nice, but not quite a necessity.

For at least a year or two, I have been saving up money for this purchase. From $0 to $750 in two years. It has been, without a doubt, one of the best decisions in my life; I really love this instrument. It sounds... glorious, for lack of a better way to say it. It has lived up to my expectations, and so much more; I love what it has enabled me to do.

I can now share my music, how I truly sound, with my friends.

I hope I don't come off as pompous and "yes I'm all that", but I like chatting with people on AIM and playing music for them in voice chats. It's really fun.. And it makes me feel better about myself. I don't know about those that haven't heard it already, but the general consensus amongst those who have is that it's pretty damn pro.

All I need is a personal teddy bear to hug and cuddle, and I'll be satisfied. Hopefully?

People to note that have made this week awesome:

-Philip (for having cool hair and letting me hang out with him on Friday)

-Taemin (for being t3h k00l k1d)

-Julie (for talking to me late into the night and linking me to websites to play awesome sauce music from)

-Aaron (for texting me and making my day better with a spontaneous conversation)

-Lauren (for driving me home when it was 100 degrees Fahrenheit)

-Claire (for singing Hellogoodbye songs with me in English)

desires.

can I have your friendship? a sign that you care? the undying love you show towards others?

nah.. I'm not the one. I never was, and I never will be.

I wish I wouldn't get ahead of myself. having unsatisfied expectations is not good.

--

I wish I could apologize to you, Shannen, and redeem myself. I wish I could ask you in person why you're colder now than you were before. why we're not really friends anymore..?

I regret the decisions I've made. and I'm doing something now to correct what you told me was wrong.. but it's not working, is it?

I'll talk to you about it. eventually. when we're not so emotionally stressed. in the meantime, I'll take my just punishment.

music.

from the player to the instrument, a player's emotions and technique are conveyed.

true talent -- one that is achieved through years of practice -- could otherwise be called expertise.

I spent the past two days with a great friend and musician. his skills and talents at music -- they are unrivalled by anything I have seen before.

and playing with such a person, someone whose playing is so impeccable and sings gloriously.. the sound of a violin and a cello intertwining, melody and harmony blending into beautiful music..

I discovered the true beauty of music. the rich tones that create the music we listen to today.

recordings do not do true music justice. it is IMPOSSIBLE to capture the true sound, the feeling of being encapsulated by the sound, of being a part of it..

there is no comparison.

first day--

I'll give school time before I judge it. it deserves that much, at least.

however, just to say, I enjoyed the summer pre-calc class with Williams far more than I enjoyed any moment of today. yes, it was hard, but it was fun.

hardxxrockxxlife: virginity

makes

any paper better when you toss it in there

haha

in response to my irony paper for TLAOW. where I refer to losing my "beach virginity" LOL

Min Lee,

your writing is fucking hilarious. and still amazingly written at the same time. I love it.

I just wanted to say that. not that you'll ever see this. LOL

another nightmare..

Mr. Stevens was giving a demonstration in his Physics class.

I paid close attention to him, until I heard the shrieking of students and the discordant sound of an alarm.

I tore my gaze from the demo to the classroom door. Through the plexiglass window, I could see flames erupting from the ceiling, black smoke wrapping itself around the previously clean hallway. No one acted; no one did anything. I took charge and grabbed the fire extinguisher, ran outside, and attempted to stunt the fire's growth. My success was limited; I chased students out whilst fighting the fire, a feat that I did not think was possible.

I ran back and forth from both entrances of the science building, taming the fires, so that the students and teachers in their science classes could escape the flaming building. When everyone escaped, I felt a sigh of relief come up, only to be choked by one realization.

The fire extinguisher ran out.

Crimson walls of fire blocked both of my escape routes. There was no place to take refuge in this gasoline-doused inferno. I grew dizzy from the smoke's fumes, filling my body, depriving my body and brain of oxygen.

The flames soon enveloped me. The acrid smell of burning flesh lingered in my nose whilst I screamed in agony from the pain of seared, burnt flesh.

I thought to myself, "At least you saved those people. Maybe you'll be forgiven now. Maybe someone will care.."

I was trapped in a hell on earth. Forgotten by those who I saved, forgotten by everyone.. No one came to my rescue. No one bothered to find me, even after I had saved so many people's lives.

And the burning continued until what remained was no longer human. A skeleton hidden within the ashes of a corpse's flesh.

I wonder..

what ultimately led me to where I am today.

a little over three years ago, I cried and mourned for my late brother.

two years ago, I obsessed over someone I knew online.

a year ago, I became a Christian. and rapidly deteriorated, in terms of spirituality, as well as health.

now.. where am I now?

guilt-ridden, self-denying.. I can't say I'm in a much better place than I was after all those years. I don't even recognize myself from all those years back. and to be honest, I have forgotten a lot of what has happened in the past three years. actually, I don't remember anything at all. my childhood is a blur, except for traumatic memories that continue to haunt me to this day. there isn't much that stands out, besides painful memories.

I really question my existence, now especially, of all times. what am I doing here? am I happy? what purpose am I serving?

I really wonder.. what do I have left? they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. but right now, I'm feeling very weak. I can't fathom how my future will be. I don't even know how I'm going to survive in school. what kind of a social life will I now lead, given that I haven't been with friends in my graduating class that much? will they accept me? will I even want to be back with them?

I miss the days when being lonely was expected. at least I knew I was going to be lonely then, rather than not knowing what will happen at all.

the nightmares...

are getting worse.

--

an explosion on the freeway ramp near a reservoir has led to a disastrous situation. a rescue team has been dispatched to save those whom are in danger.

--

I attempted to tread water, but could not. my lack of athletic ability in the water was my downfall. I watched as my friends swam to safey, unaware that I was missing from their group. the one that was capable of saving me watched as I drowned, unable to make it to the surface for that one last breath of air. soon, my eyes grew blank, my breathing nonexistent; a floating corpse on the scene. it was just one of the countless casualties of this unexpected disaster.