Car Ride.

So today, I decided to stay after school for a bit, hang out for a bit.

A friend of mine was really bummed out because of the Calculus AB final. He has a D in the class, and calculated his grade, and it'll probably remain a D unless the test is miraculously curved. I felt really bad for him, so I decided to treat him to lunch. Albertacos is a great source of pity food.

A couple hours later, his younger sister's friends decided that they wanted to get Yogurtland, which is on the way to my house. The only caveat? Seven people in one compact car that fits five people.

We stuffed Nick and Lynna into the car after shoving everyone else in. I was in the back, and Nick was basically sitting down on my lap and lying down on me. It was great; I got to hug him for the entire car ride =] I've never been in someone's personal space for so long, nor has anyone ever minded me being that close to them before. It was really fun! I enjoyed holding him close to me and feeling his heartbeat and warmth.. and of course, the insanity that ensued while we were in the car XD Tickling and laughing and jokes.. Hehe. We must do this again!

I have a newfound love for the sophomores. =]

Hope

Where am I?

Here is black and white.

All I want is to see you again,

I can't stop crying.

In my heart among hearts,

Brutal memories and soundless voices struggle.

I believed our happiness would last forever

After I lost you, the Light,

Depressing nights have fallen on me.

I still recall your smile,

When your tenderness filled my heart.

I treasure it in my mind,

Your precious smile that lasts forever.

My happiness's gone, but I'm alive

While babies are born, some people die.

I can never see you again,

the Light I found,

You're gone..

I still recall your smile,

When your tenderness fulfilled my heart.

I treasure it in my mind,

Your precious smile that lasts forever.

Hope

I can see it.

A wisp of a dream became reality.

I've been accepted into a family that is not my own. Not under false pretenses, but under the idea that they care about me and want me to see better days than I have. Perhaps it's a bit of a stretch to truly consider them my family, but undoubtedly I would be seeing worse days if it weren't for them.

I feel a bit sad that I can't see the Okada family everyday, or even that often. However, their compassion for me has lessened the ceaseless grief that I experienced in my solitude.

It's slow progress, but progress nonetheless. Maybe these micro-miracles can be enough to satiate me. Who knows? Only time will tell, at this point.

Things are looking up now, but I'm still a bit sad. You can't have everything, though, can you?

Mood.

It is fascinating how such vast differences exist between bad and good moods. It may simply be ignorance on my part, but coming to the realization that I am capable of having fun just blew my mind away.

I'm glad I'm in a good mood now. I hope it lasts.

Rain.

The pitter-patter of rain on my windows calms me. It distracts me from the inevitable silence, and yet, doesn't tear my attention away from any deep thoughts I'm having. Cold nights, warm blankets; I find myself seeking comfort in hugging inanimate objects, either pretending that they are something or someone else, or that they something or someone I have yet to meet or experience. It's a pleasing thought; to feel as if I'm not so alone. The constancy of rain is great.

Though I still wish I were more capable. It's not too late for that.. but do I really want to trust more in people? What will I have to gain? Unshed tears? What purpose is there in trusting people again? All I've gotten is a mouthful of "fuck off"s or "go away"s; of course, they were much more politely stated, but the same general idea is there.

Meh. I don't know. I just want to trust people and not feel quite so insecure about myself. Maybe I'm only living for my own selfish needs after all. But hey, I do things for others; not for my sake, but for their's.

What Can I Say?

Failure looms overhead; its inevitability spoils the beginnings of each "new day." We attempt to dissuade ourselves otherwise with optimism, but stray thoughts of negativity destroy the facade we create for ourselves and for others around us.

We choose to believe in people, society, or even humanity. But at what cost? When we choose to believe and our beliefs of "they'll be there for me" or "I do matter" are shattered by reality, our levels of faith diminish significantly. Faith, faith; what is 'faith'? Is it believing in other people? In God? Can someone who has grown up alone, in plain solitude, develop the necessary attitude and mindset to become more sociable?

A single person cannot live alone. I know this. But depending on the goodwill of others for comfort and friendship and generic happiness only leads to more frustration, which begets hatred and gives birth to personal demons.

The realm of the living is really just hell itself.

Lost.

I blankly stared at my surroundings. At a certain person. At all the beautiful people on the USC campus. At the squirrel as it dashed up a tree.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do or think anymore. Every glimmer of hope that I hold onto gets torn into shreds.

I would hope that I don't find myself lost in a void anytime soon. A shame it would be to lose my life this early, but my insane expectations of others coupled with my own lack of self-esteem create an environment where impossibilities like death become feasible.

I wish something would deliver sweet justice to me already. A car accident, poisoned food, destructive drugs.. Something. Anything. I just don't want to be consumed by my own irrational fears.

Of Our Own Volition.

As humans, it's only natural for us to desire respect and common courtesy from others; in fact, sometimes we desire more than just mere respect and courtesy.

A nod of acknowledgement. Someone to cheer us up. Friendships.

But what happens when we demand something from someone incapable of providing what we crave? We delude ourselves into believing that the other person is willing-- no, impatient even-- to relieve us of our unspoken desires.

We set ourselves up for the next fall in our lives. Our sense of judgment becomes skewed; we trick ourselves into believing something that isn't true, couldn't possibly come true, and will always remain in the world of fantasy.

Founded upon on the basis of abstract concepts like "kindness" and "love", the initial conception of these thoughts begins with an act. An act that we believe to be done out of the goodness of someone's heart. These thoughts soon multiply and fester, until reality pops them with its sharp points.

Asking for someone to do something for you doesn't give you the same sense of satisfaction or surprise as them doing it of their own volition. Surprises, after all, are what make our lives worth living. To know that not every day will be the same; that element of surprise keeps us coming for more.

--

Yet, I can't shake the feeling that many of my friendships would fail. No, not because I'm unfriendly, but because the other parties lack the initiative. I want to tell myself that if these people aren't willing to maintain with me, as opposed to letting me run it, then they're not worth being friends with me.

However, these are people that I treasure. But maybe they don't value our friendship that much. Maybe they don't really want to be friends with me. Maybe they don't want to exert the effort to maintain our friendship.

Are these people worth it..? When you go for weeks and months without talking to them, yet you still long to have them at your side..

".. act of your own volition, not another person's.."

Ramblings.

The talent show went quite well. Though, I think they should reconsider the name of it.. In my eyes, it seems to be a glorified choir show, composed of bands and ensembles that work together. Despite that, the people in it are quite talented.. The 7th grade pianist has skills that surpass anything I've ever heard of in my life; he intimidates me. Not only his skill, though.

I'm scared for his social life, his future career, and his own family life. When someone is blessed with such a talent, it's natural for parents to fawn over that specific talent.. But I wonder if his parents forced him to get to such a high level of performance. I wonder if his talents are loved, as opposed to him as a person. It would be quite sad if his parents valued him only for his prodigious skill at playing the piano. Not to mention, if he reached that level when he's a 7th grader.. How much time and effort was put into his training? It must have taken hours upon hours of concentrated effort; I can't imagine how much he practiced to get to that level. However, I have a feeling that it was not entirely of his volition, to reach that level.

As children, we often do as we are told. But knowing the strict guidelines that Asian parents often impose upon their children, I think it's safe to assume that his parents pressured him to practice to get to that level.

As regular people, we tend to be attracted to other people for certain reasons. Whether it be their physical appearance, their skills and abilities, or their personality, there is always something that causes that initial spark of attraction. This begs the question: where would we be without our own interests and preferences? How would we have friends without this?

Although it is a necessity for our interests to exist, that necessity has so many cons that its pros are almost nullified. We live our lives, around the people we consider 'friends'... But what is a friend? Someone who will talk to you when you're down? A person that you simply know the name of?

How do you know when you "know" someone? How do you know when someone is willing to be there for you? When they're unwilling to talk to you, does that make them not your friend? Where are the lines blurred in terms of friendships and acquaintances?

Moreover.. What is a "best friend"? Someone that you can talk to about your deepest secrets? Someone that won't judge you? Someone that can nourish your life, and vice versa?

I feel terrible when I see someone that I know, and I feel embarrassed to say hi to them. I see countless people that I 'know' throughout school, and I'd like to say hi to them or engage in conversation with them.. But this nagging feeling inside me tells me that they wouldn't want to say hi back. Or that they would be indifferent towards it, and ignore it. My lack of a projecting voice and shyness don't help, either.

I want to know so much.. There's not enough time. I lack the determination and motivation to seek the answers to these question. I remain at a standstill with many friendships; in fact, the majority of them have disintegrated to the point of nonexistence. There is no underlying foundation between us anymore; we're strangers now.

I wish I could be there for someone. To feel like I'm important, or relied on. After all, one of the natural human desires is to be cared for.. When someone opens up to me, it makes me feel accomplished: that I was trustworthy enough for that person to tell me something that they deemed important.

I've opened up to many people in the past few weeks. Whether or not that was a good choice, I will find out soon.. Though, I find it depressing that something like someone's secret can be so easily thrown around by people who don't even know the person in question. Like, so-and-so lost their virginity, this group of people do drugs, et cetera.

I would fear that happening to me, but it's happened already. I'm gonna have a great time dealing with that.

Some days.

Some days just leave you breathless.

The way they turn out.. Utter perfection, all through chance.

I look forward to another day like yesterday. =)

It's okay.

It's okay to be scared.

It's okay to be myself.

It's okay to stress out.

It's okay to talk to my friends.

It's okay to want to be with my friends.

... or is it?

Irrational fears seize control and throw my mind into a state of chaos.

No, you're not allowed to do that. No, you can't say hi. Shut up. Listen to your fears; they're there for a reason. They're to prevent you from messing up again. They exist to prevent another mistake.

"But.. What if these fears are unsubstantiated?"

Doesn't matter. They're there. Follow them. No exceptions.

".. but.."

Shut up, imbecile. Listen to me -- the one that's telling you what to do. You have no control over yourself, so I'm going to have to be in charge here.

"Just because I'm weak doesn't mean I'm as submissive as you think I am."

I am you. Look at you, talking to yourself-- albeit, a different persona of yourself. But look! You're talking to yourself. You're admitting that you have multiple entities within that one body. And who gets to control the body? I think I'll be taking that place, thanks.

"Isn't it natural for us to show different aspects of ourselves towards different people, or in different situations? Why must you seize control forever? Why can't you just die or go away?"

Because I am you. And you are me. We are one entity, but expressed differently at different times. These seven 'deadly' sins of humanity -- envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, wrath, pride, greed -- their varying levels in our behavior or thoughts dictate our different personas. Your lustful intentions prevent you from nearing your friends, and so you shrink away from them. You fear their wrath if your responses are not well-received; you feel a blow to your pride when you are not acknowledged. You envy their talents and friends; you're gluttonous for the level of closeness which they have achieved with their friends. You desire their attention, but have not the will to gain it.

"So what..? What can you do about it, then?"

I express different traits from you. I can change this. All you have to do is let me take over.. You see, I lack the weaknesses of most humankind; I can detach myself from my emotions, and do what is necessary for you. Emotions are worthless; they simply drag you down, and make you vulnerable for pain and suffering.

".. And what is this necessary act?"

You know what it is. Don't try to deny it. You've just been afraid to admit to yourself that the void is a better place. You've made excuses that your friends will worry about you when you're gone, but I can see through that. You're just a coward who can't think or act for himself, who is scared of judgment.

When I take over, I'll take care of everything. I'll make sure you never face these miseries again. And then you won't have to put up with anything anymore.. And no one will have to put up with you either. Isn't that so nice? It's a win-win situation. C'mon. You know you want to take it.

"..."

Mr. Ontiveros.

You have my utmost respect.

You were an amazing teacher to me; one of the best I've ever had.

It's likely that you'll never see this..

But, I wanted to thank you for being such a positive role model in my life.

And I wanted to say that even if you are found guilty, I'll still respect you the same way I did before.

I was a victim of temptation. I did something that I wasn't supposed to do; I gave in to my carnal urges, and committed a foul act that you are currently being accused of. Am I in jail? No.

Does that make us on equal terms? No. Can I understand the pain? No.

But I do wish that your life isn't ruined because of this... The court proceedings may start in three months, but this will be an agonizing three months.

Your students know of your love to teach. You were a joy in the classroom.. A true enigma. A one-of-a-kind person that aided so many students in their growth at Oxford. And I'm sad to admit that you may never have that opportunity again after all this.

It makes me so sad that such a huge contributor to our school and society is being attacked with no evidence to back the attacks.

It makes me want to cry that Mr. O, such a respected person on campus, would be accused of this... Who did it? That's inconsequential at this point. But what I do know is that this will negatively impact his life. He will likely not be able to teach at OA anymore, he will likely not be able to teach at ALL, which is just an intense blow to the teaching community.. And to himself. Teaching was his joy. His family was his life and love. Without either of these.. Mr. O...

Oxford is here for you, Mr. Ontiveros. No matter what happens; even if you are guilty of your alleged crimes, Oxford will stand by your back, and support you. We all know you are capable of so much more; a simple mistake should not deter you from your life's love and passions.

We love you, Mr. O. And we're going to fight for your sake. It doesn't matter if you're guilty or innocent; either way, I will offer my support.

News Article.

Journalism can be so brutal.

But I guess those journalists are just doing their jobs.

It's one thing to report on a story.. But to criminalize a teacher that an entire school respects for sexual assault, and sensationalize it into "it happened at the #1 school in the county!" is uncalled for.

I have no respect left for journalism. It disgusts me, along with those incapable of keeping their own thoughts to themselves. I wonder why I felt disappointed for not making it into Gamut.

The allegations may be true, but they may also not be true. All we can do is hope that we have not lost one of the most respectable teachers of our time.

Onset of depression..

Flu.

Never have I taken my health for granted so much.

It's kind of funny. Before, I was all depressed and unable to be happy.. Now, I'm actually looking forward to some aspects of life, and being hopeful for once.

But when things seemed to be turning around, I got really sick.

I have no clue what I have, but I do know that it's very unpleasant. Violent coughs leave me gasping for air, causing full-body spasms.. Gagging every couple of coughs, food stays undigested and I remain malnourished.

Yet, the strangest thing is, I'm just looking forward to getting better. I just want to see my friends again.. And not have to deal with a mountain of make-up work that I'll have.

I'm hoping for that small chance again... For when I can talk to you, and maybe be held in your warm embrace. That speck of hope you gave me is growing into a ray of light.

I won't expect anymore from you.

I wonder..

if the past two days accurately define 'happiness'.

If that's true.. Then life is worth living.

Beware of grapes.

"Her expression changed then, becoming fearful rather than merely pained. It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape."

--[When You Are Engulfed By Flames] // david sedaris

Anonymous.

You made my day so much better. All it took was a little initiative from me to get it going.

I could never thank you enough. But I'm sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable. Physical intimacy is nice, but I thought I could repress my urges in it. But, even though I was unable to today, that is precisely what made it better.

Being carefree, not caring what other people think.. Just being with the people I love, and spending a great time at the beach with them.

Sorry, anonymous, that you seem to be a victim of mine a lot. I really did try to sever my ties with you for a while, but I knew it wouldn't work. We're still close friends, even though we see each other once in a blue moon, and talk even less. But when we talk, I feel the emotion pouring out of you.. I can see that you trust me enough to talk about what's on your mind with me, provided that we're around each other. I still wish to get to the point where it isn't a spontaneous thing, but rather something that you'd like to do on your own spare time. Maybe you just don't do that kind of thing, but if you did, it would make me immensely happy.

Here's to drawing penises and breasts on Jonathan Okada, and attacking pidgeons with a wooden stick and granola bars. Thanks, Ben and Jon. I wish I were closer to you guys.

Sarcasm post.

I remember reading this a while back, but someone on GMH posted it on a GMH that I recently read. It still gives me laughs.

--

Gay marriage:

1) Being gay is not natural. People always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Briteny Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...\

Religion.

Going to Torrance to visit Aaron was really fun. I met a lot of new people, saw a performance at the Colburn Conservatory of Music, and generally just had a great time.

Though, having fun doesn't necessarily imply that life situations and demands are easing.

Going out this past weekend reminded me of my severe lack of openness around new people, as well as my own lack of faith.

Faith is that just that, faith; a strong belief in that which we do not see.

Because to my non-Christian upbringing, I have never been inclined to believe in anything remotely religious. I always thought that were was some kind of deity among us; something greater that we cannot understand. I started to interpret this being as the God that I wish to be closer to now. Yet, with my preconceptions of what that deity was, it is difficult for me to follow the Christian lifestyle now, and to be Christian.

All this time, I've done good things because I wanted to be good to other people. It wasn't because God told me or because some religious foundation told me to. Thus, I think it to be a waste of time to call religion a reason to exist for its moral standards. Although it may provide us with a set of morals that we should follow and obey, it doesn't build those moral standards. My own were formulated from what I believed to be right, and I think that I have done a good job in both creating that mindset, as well as enacting it.

I don't know what I believe anymore, but this weekend makes me question my own religious integrity. I just take things as they come; I don't openly preach the gospel, for I believe it to be a collection of writings that we take, by faith, to be commanded by God to be written. The room for human error, however, causes me to not take the Bible seriously; sure, it may be referred to as the Holy Scripture, but humans are the ones who wrote it. And as creatures acting only in their own self-interest, who are we to assume that whoever wrote the Gospel didn't fudge up or change things to fit their own personal agendas?

This one aspect of Christianity keeps me from coming closer to it. I really do want to seek God.. but will it be at the cost of my own beliefs and mindset? Maybe change will be good. But maybe I won't be the same person after all of this.

Dreams.

Why does my body haunt me even in my sleep? Now I can't even close my eyes or think in fear of what I dreamt of.

Why is friendship so hard? Why must I keep blurring the lines? Why do I so badly seek someone's touch?

It makes me want to not go to the beach on Monday. Fear. Sigh..