biking.

so a week ago, my friend invited me to go biking to the beach with some other friends. me, being the naive person I am, accepted the offer.

did I mention that I have ridden a bike exactly ONCE before this? and that was for a mere five minutes. I can't believe I learned how to ride a bike well enough to survive an 18+ mile trip in that same day. it is an incredible feeling.. self-accomplishment.

so I had to train on Wednesday with Ronni to get myself in somewhat-decent shape. then some more training this morning, before we left for the beach. so before biking an eight mile road to Seal Beach, I totaled about two hours worth of bike riding.

holy hell, I did not know that eight miles felt like that.

it wasn't physical fatigue that got to me. it was the fear. fear of crashing.. fear of falling.. fear of falling into a fifty-foot ditch full of broken glass.. fear of stumbling into a fifteen foot drop, lined with dry branches and jagged rock that, when landed on at twenty-five miles an hour, could potentially kill me.

for nearly five hours, I constantly rode with the fear of death lingering above my head. yes, I managed to avoid the precarious obstacles that lay before me.. but not completely. scars remain from the first trip that occurred through, strangely enough, the surface streets. and because of this, I have come to at least one conclusion regarding sidewalks.

sidewalks are way too fucking small.

in an area where many people ride bikes, there is a sidewalk about the size of 4/5 a car lane's. and in the middle of this sidewalk there is a one-foot-in-diameter pole sticking out, and a clusterfuck of plants and vines next to it, protruding by one foot.

let us do the math, shall we? if we estimate a typical car lane to be about five feet wide, that leaves about four feet for the sidewalk. but wait! the obstacle in the middle forces one to veer either left or right from it, with about two feet to spare on each side. when I approached this obstacle, guess where I went?

straight into the branches.

ain't no fuckin' way I'm risking biking into traffic. that's just silly! but I guess getting fifteen scratches/scars in one shot is also pretty damn stupid. oh well.. it was still fun. though, now I am covered in band-aids. and my legs feel the burn after so many miles of biking, scratching, and falling.

the beach was quite fun. making moats and sand castles and getting buried and tickled like crazy. the beach was probably the single most enjoyable part. second time I've been there.. but this was the first in which I had fun. it's an indescribable experience; to wade in the water, to look at the shimmering sand, to have a force of nature bear itself upon you, crash after crash. to be swept away, pushed by an unnaturally strong force; to be one with the sea.. the sheer joy of jumping in the waves took me, but it's so enjoyable. too bad I have an awful sunburn on my entire back (stupid me, didn't apply there because I couldn't reach it).

but damn, that path was freaking small. I was so scared.. every single time a cycler would pass by, I freaked out. I couldn't control myself, and narrowly avoided death many, many times. I'm glad my friends waited for me so much.. I was so slow going the first time around, because I was so scared. I really thought, "today.. is this the last thing I'm going to do?"

I can't describe that anxiety. the constant feeling that death is watching you, that death is waiting for that one lapse in judgment in order to seize your life..

please don't let that day be soon.. I have too much at stake.

why does death have to be an everlasting aspect of my life? I feared for it when a family member of mine grew suicidal within hours. I feared for it when my brother didn't return from the hospital four years ago. I feared for it yesterday when someone around me went crazy and physically abused me for no reason. I feared for it today when I rode through treacherous paths, clumsily and unsteadily.

fear possesses the soul and refuses to take it back. death is always present; whether it be in popular media, or society, or myself, there is only one thing that truly matters to myself. control over myself, regardless of the situation.

fear threatens to conquer me. my fear of my love for people, my fear of my ambitions, my fear of people seeing the "real me". I have repulsed the one person in my life who has done everything in their power to help me when they are one of the few capable of doing so. they are capable of so much; a true jack-of-all trades. and yet my own fears prevent me from loving them. a fear that conquers my soul, dictating what I do.

I don't want to fall into this cycle again.. can you please help me? I didn't say "oh, I'm dying, please help me!". or, "look at me, I CAN'T do it because I'm ME". I was trying to explain that, my god, there was a chance that today could have been the last day of my life... that you might have never seen me again... that I truly would have died.

and yet, you see it as a plea for help, a whining on my part. defying your logic, your standards, yet again.

I want your friendship. do you truly wish to maintain this strong opinion of your's that I am no longer capable of happiness? that I am unable to be helped? I cannot do this on my alone, yes. but I am definitely trying. and I am definitely doing SOMETHING that is making progress. and yet, I cannot talk about the good things to you. I do not allow myself to, because you said that you could no longer see my achievements.. so now it is a waste of time for me to tell you. so why bother anymore? you said yourself that what 'progress' I've made is invisible to you.

I wish so badly that this can be reparable. but I'm afraid that, given our circumstances, it won't be.

(ugh, I started writing this last night at 11PM, felt too sleepy by 12AM to finish it, then just finished it at 11AM this morning.. I didn't even know I wrote some of the things in here, it just kinda went on automatic.)

summer school.

I made a new friend at summer school today. well, to be precise, on the public bus. he's in my precalc class, but he took the same bus as I did.

he seemed a bit lonely at summer school.. so often I would see him and he would eat his lunch alone, or he wouldn't smile. a five hour school day would elapse without so much as a grin to crack his monotone look. except that third day of school; I saw a smile materialize on his face, and I decided that I would try my best to make that happen more. took a week though..

he's pretty cool.. albeit a bit reserved. I was surprised to find out that he lives near me and is 2nd chair in the alto sax section in his school's advanced band class.

haha, I'm so awkward and stalker-ish. I found out his name by waiting for Mr. Williams to call his name to collect his test.

though, it's strange. I found myself getting an adrenaline rush just thinking about trying to introduce myself on the bus. after someone left the seat beside him, it took me a good two or three minutes to gather the will to move to the back and sit next to him. then it took another five minutes for me to actually ask him if his name was Eric.

I dunno why, but my heart rate shot up when I tried to convince myself to talk to him. perhaps just the thought of initiating conversation with a complete stranger, or making a new friend, was shocking to me. I was scared that he would have ignored me or thought I was creepy.

fortunately, my fears were for naught as we launched into a conversation. I went from initiating a conversation by asking, "hey, is your name Eric?" to giving him my math test to check his test corrections with. his aspirations to go to Princeton surprised me, as well as his acceptance of my odd character.

hurray for new friends. I think it was worth the difficulty on my part to make a new friend, as well as to make someone smile. he's a senior; it can't be fun to be a senior and to be alone.

wispful.

a day spent, not quite in solitude, nor in boredom.

a simple act of kindness, generated by the goodness of their hearts. a commitment made, a day set aside; anticipation lagged behind as the hours passed, minutes ticked by.

an escape from hell; a place providing a shelter from the incessant cacophony of life.

the return came too quickly; hours flew by, untamed by the restrictions of time.

goodbye was bittersweet. their arms and body wrapped around my own for the briefest of moments. I savored the security, the warmth; and yet, I could not hold onto it. before long, the wisp faded away, only a vague recollection in a vast sea of memories.

I inhaled with brevity as I returned to resume life as I knew it.

graduation.

"don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

I bowed my head in humility, attempting to stifle the whimpers that seeped through the cracks of my facade. it was of no use; they broke through, shattering what little dignity I had.

as I sat there in disbelief, embarrassed by the intense emotions I had let control me, two women of Spanish descent talked loudly and rapidly in a foreign tongue.

tears rolled down my face as the ceremony continued.

regaining my composure after losing it so splendidly required energy. in fact, I could only keep up the charade for as long as there were people around; I could not embarrass myself again. I feigned contentedness, unable to speak for the tortured soul within that missed his friends, that felt as if that day were to be his last one on earth.

for hours, my face smashed itself into a pillow, wet and hot. bloodshot eyes brought back memories of anguish and terror. between gasps for air through the sobbing, thought processes focused entirely on could-have-been's. goodbye-forever's and promises of solitude took over my mind, drove me insane.

what a wonderful time to break down.

novella.

I am attempting to write a story.

finished with the Prologue and the first chapter. however, the disparity in style between the two parts makes me wonder if I should edit the first chapter heavily.

I'll try to write a chapter every day or two. will be posted at:

http://reachtowardsthesky.blogspot.com .

please read and critique it; I desperately need critiquing in order to improve my writing.

also, please note that I am writing this as I go along; no brainstorming, just writing as my muse dictates it. as a result, it is very up-in-the-air; many things are subject to change. in fact, I've been replacing important details, because originally they were not very realistic or suited for the story I'm writing.

reflection.

utterly and completely consumed.

fantasy turns to reality.

tugging on heartstrings.

I should not think or say "final goodbye". nor should I treat it as such.

in reality, however, I had said goodbye long ago. uttered it within the corners of my mind. echoed it amongst the depths of my psyche. reflected it through my actions and words.

it is hard to let go. it is hard to say 'goodbye'.

it takes a monstrous effort to work so hard, to work towards a brighter future for oneself.. and yet, after all this time, what good did it do? I'm not quite sure if I'm in a better place now than I was before.

it is still so easy to break that facade I put up. actions and thoughts and words threaten to rend that barrier. despite words I've said, promises I've made, I can't stop this emotion from tearing me apart. I can't help but want to give up. what "progress" is this? where I regress into bickering and ranting about shit?

melancholy is something we all experience. it was used by medicine in the past that depended on the four humors to accurately diagnose patients. it was called melancholy because of melan (black) and khole (bile). depression was believed to be caused by an excess of this black bile within a person's system.

at this point in time, everything seems so dark. pain clutches at my heart. guilt haunts me for having caused so much anguish. anguish itself has already claimed my heart.

regrets are aplenty. being helpless and making life miserable for myself and many other people is a large one. I wish I didn't have to cause so much trouble..

self-worth is impossible to maintain.

life is impossible to go through without breaking down.

I can't fight this feeling anymore. this incessant, nagging feeling that I am a worthless piece of shit, that I will never find anyone who will (gasp) love me as I love them, that I am useless, that I will live a lonely life, that my friends will not come to rescue me (God knows how many times that has happened), that ultimately I will live a life filled with misery.

I don't want to have to say goodbye. I don't want to leave everyone behind. I don't want to suffer like this.

I don't want to see that disheartened look anymore, though I know I cause it. I don't want to see someone suffer at my hands. I don't want to be like this.

I suppose we must all make sacrifices and compromises.. some invariably worth more than others.

I'm sorry for being a terrible friend.

I'm sorry for wearing my heart on a sleeve.

I'm sorry I couldn't change..

score.

fuck yes!

43/45 on my Algebra 2/Trig final.

it only took five hours of studying, but I think it was worth it.

words cannot describe how ecstatic I am right now.

I don't think I've cared about grades so much in a long time, but it seems to be the only way to motivate me at the moment. I had lost touch with reality and rediscovered it when I realized that my 4.0 was precariously hanging in the balance.

now I just have to study for English and Health.

writing.

I think I'll start a story.

will update soon regarding it.

tentative goodbyes

kill me now.
lives are ephemeral; mine is no different. and quite frankly, many others would prefer for mine to disappear, to stop ruining lives.

embrace the pain.
naught but pain exists; a testament to the cruelty of mankind. whether it be self-induced or the result of society's harsh treatment of others, is inconsequential.

anger in sorrow.
frustration enraptures the soul, physical manifestations of it threaten to take control. however, cold anger receives no sympathy from others.

fragility of friendship.
eviscerated by actions so easily, destruction impossible to avoid.

ailment of the mind.
seized by a tyrant of emotions, incapable of individual, intellectual thought. psychosis and confusion merge into depression.

deception and false pretenses.
deceived by many, unaware of the trickery. epiphanies made, truths realized; a recapitulation of human nature.

in the heart of the problem lies a tangled web, full of squirming victims that refuse to comply. protected by a chassis created of legal means, impervious to everything except a breach of contract.

however, I have already breached this contract. on multiple occasions.

tonight, it happened countless times. I could not bring down their day, nor could I afford to force them to expend any more of their energy.

in a flurry of events, my being has been rendered incapable.

locked and loaded. ready to kill. no one left to stop me.

la vie.

inconsequential;
a droplet in the sea,
a particle in the solution,
a pebble in the sand.

worthless,
to the general populace.

unknown, uncared for,
except by a select few.

yet, they are swept away,
without a trace,
without remorse,
lingering only in memories.
lost in the depths of human thought.

the hopes of a dreamer
flicker in outer space,
like stars.

their luminescent glow,
hazy and unfocused,
dissipate into nothingness,
as dreams were crushed by reality.