fun.

I had a lot of fun at the class activity today, despite the little mishap at the beginning. what a way to end finals week. the only thing that was bad about it was that Casie neglected to do what she told me and my friend; we were supposed to be in the same group for the scavenger hunt, and she even told us we could be, but she displaced us about a minute or two after telling us that we'd be together. some organization.. meh.

Tim Pei and Harvey and Hannah are all good and funny people.. but I just don't connect well with them. it's just hard for me to talk to them. and I was looking forward to spending the entire day with my friend, so it's not like it was just by chance that we were there together. it just made me kind of mad and irritated that she would forget what she said so easily. and Hannah was so thoughtful, trying to contact my friend's group so we could 'steal' him back. haha. thank you, Hannah, that was so thoughtful of you, but it was really alright. regardless of how things turned out, I still had a lot of fun. Harvey and Tim are fun to be around, if only because their crazy antics are so interesting.

during the movie, I kept talking to my friend.. and after the movie I just couldn't stop. I just hung out with him for the time before the scavenger hunt and the entire time after the movie started; maybe three hours total? we went to Hollister and bought matching shirts. I wasn't sure what to get, so I just decided to get the same shirt he did; it was our first time shopping in a Hollister. haha.. on free dress days, we'll match. afterwards, we went to his house, and played a bit of piano. it was quite interesting to discover the level at which he plays at.. if I had a piano of my own, I might be at a similar level that he's at. overall, it was a really fun day.. I had no worries. I was so carefree for once. it's such a contrast to my normal, day-to-day life. I hope it stays like this, even though I know it won't. life sucks too much to stay good after such a good day.

and, holy crap. I can't believe it. my brother and I actually talked to each other for the first time in six months. it was quite long, but never dragging; it was for about three hours straight. it's kind of interesting... all these good things happening on one day. maybe something's changed or changing for the better? who knows. I just hope this elation never dissipates.

public transportation.

he watched people enter--
the old, the lonesome, the broken;
he was reminded of his own life.

'funny,' he thought to himself;
'these people are in a predicament worse than my own.'
his inquisitive eyes focused upon the obese woman (or is it a man?) taking three bus seats, an ancient man with a sunken face, a teenage mother attempting to corral her three infants into one seat.

he could not understand how the world continued revolving. how can everyone not stop and ignore these people? he was reminded of his aptly named "crappy day" at school. an instant after, visions of his life blurred past in his mind's eye. a few fleeting memories, barely visible, rushed past. suddenly, a plethora of thoughts sprang to his mind. a noose. the music room. a shimmery main gauche, glistening with blood. a pistol, with the acrid scent of gunpowder still lingering. a single, bleeding hole indicated the bullet's point-of-entry; the base of his skull, just like Lennie's--

'we are now approaching Harbor Boulevard and Lincoln Avenue.'

the boy snapped out of his reverie. he quickly pulled on the cord to indicate the bus's next stop. as it pulled into the curb, he awkwardly stumbled across the aisle, hoping that his façade would remain unbroken. exiting the public bus, not a word was uttered; however, all eyes focused on the boy. those simple, innocent bystanders were oblivious to the train of thought he just experienced.

unsure.

to be quite honest, I don't know how to describe today. I would say that it sucked, but that was only because of my attitude.

isn't this what I wanted? no... I'm a terrible person, manipulating the people who care about me in order to force them to say the things I'd like them to say; guilt-tripping them with tears and using low, cowardly threats to coerce them into doing little things for me. this isn't the way things were supposed to turn out. I guess I AM just a manipulative monster who can't control himself.

it's really difficult. when you care so much about your friends that it hurts, when you can't get your mind off certain friends, when the sheer prospect of just talking to some friends makes you feel apprehensive. when you feel unsure as to whether or not your friends really care..

a friend told me they had a dream regarding me. long story short, it scared them to death, alongside a frustrated message I sent them. I genuinely felt like they stopped caring, but after talking to them, I realize now that they care about me enough to want to shield me from what they may possibly do to me. how can I keep doing this to my friends, and yet still desire for them to help me? at first I believed I was justified in my actions, but now, I can see that what I did was only to benefit myself. and guess what? in the end, it didn't work.

despite all of this, I'll remember today. when you wiped away my tears and offered me advice. when you comforted me when I was helpless.

I won't forget. thank you for everything. I'm not joking when I say that it's a wonder that you're still here for me.

vicissitude.

I would like to think that maybe there is hope and that these sleepless nights are worth it.

I would like for this incessant pain to go away.

I would like for this embarrassment from that ridiculous detention to eventually dissipate.

I would like to be normal for once.

of course, there is no such thing as "normal". but talking to someone on the bus today was quite enlightening. within people, there are differences in their placement on the spectrum: some people have it worse in some ways, but better in others. and in that spectrum it's very difficult to find a good balance between the two extremes. perhaps it may be good that I have freedom within my life, as well as the decision to choose; however, I am severely lacking in another factor that actually results in that freedom. in ways we may believe other people have it better.. but it may be worse. who are we to list these people on an organized chart, deprived of details? how can we assume that those we do not know are not suffering? life is not perfect; in our lives, nothing can reach the level of perfection. everyone will have their emotional scars, their own quirks.

I could run away from home and stay at a friend's house if I just told my parents where I was. sometimes, I've contemplated doing it, just to see if they would look for me. they would never find me. I really wonder if it's as doable as I make it seem.

I've been better at school. I feel better. though, a piece of me still clings to that negative side; the one that causes me distress and my so-called "emo aura". sometimes, it can't help but surface. but I do believe that I've gotten better at containing it. I can tell when it comes out.. when my voice goes quiet and low, inaudible even to myself. when my eyes droop from the lack of energy or frustration at whatever situations I find myself in.

I wish I could ask. I wish I could talk. I wish I could find out the truth regarding some of my friends. I know I can't demand them to tell me the truth.. but an explanation as to why something other than the truth is uttered into my ears would suffice. but if one isn't willing to tell the truth, who says they're going to tell me the reason why they're not telling the truth? I may be weak, but I am strong enough to stand when faced with unfortunate news. let me be strong for once.. allow me to shoulder a burden or two. I wish I weren't so weak myself; it is depressing to have to rely on other people to shoulder my burdens so that I do not get crushed by it all.

"well, you are the one
the one who lies close to me
whispers, 'hello, I've missed you quite terribly,'
I fell in love,
in love with you suddenly
and there's no place else
I could be but here in your arms"

turned my world around,
upside down..

I wish I could keep up,
understand the lies
you spoon-fed me--

what is the truth?
where does it exist?
goodness does not revel
in the murder
of an innocent soul.

I gave you everything;
the truth, my time,
my heart, my life;
why?

why did you have to lie?
why is the truth so difficult to convey?
why am I drowning, gasping for your lies,
to bring me up to shore?;
I only wanted to be your friend..

doing much, much better now.

a big "thank you!" to those who talked to me today. I WILL try harder. I WILL be better. even if it's only marginally so on Tuesday. just a few things to put down here that I have a feeling I will forget...
"a) get more sleep, b) be careful of what you say and do, c) rely on yourself for happiness"
"you need to push yourself a little to talk to me too; I can't be the only one talking in our conversations and I don't know what you want to talk about either"
"even though college will separate us, you'll meet new people.. we're not the only people on the planet, after all"
"dude, I know how you feel.. don't be discouraged by it, even the best of us are afflicted with it"
"I'll be there for you"
"think of yourself FIRST. your own sanity and well-being takes priority over everyone else's"
"the world revolves around you"
"I remember when [insert embarassing moment].. I know your frustration right now"

it feels so good to be close.. to have your hand on my shoulder, even if it's only for a few brief moments.. I won't doubt anymore.

homecoming was actually pretty awesome. the basketball games were intense, even though we didn't win in the end.. we have spirit! D + #! D + #! hehe. that bit of creativity made me laugh. (the pound sign is a fence)

I'm so wiped out right now. I just got home about two hours ago. spending 16 hours at school in one sitting can't be good for one's health. a subtle apathy took over me at school, but it gradually turned to a mild depression, then into, surprisingly, glee. even though I'm tired right now, I still feel a sense of giddiness from all that happened today.

speaking of health.. my leg joint is still bothering me. I can't walk properly. I really hope it gets better by the time track & field starts; it would really suck for me to start a sport with an injury incurred by, of all things, zero period P.E. I hope I don't have to use crutches.. I really don't want to use them.

in any case, I've been up for almost 22 hours now. it's time to go sleep. to those who are going to winter formal, enjoy your time there; to those who are not, make use of the free time and plan something fun!

music.

a raucous sound
lingered in the air--
a dissonant chord clashed,
evoking tension.

the black bow glided jerkily,
moving, as if possessed,
striking four-note chords
that echoed throughout the night.

a cacophony of pitches
erupted from the resonating chamber,
fueled by its player's anxiety.

piercing and projecting--
the animals barked in commiseration with it,
sharing in the outpouring, the agony
that so consumed life itself.

so empty.

so unhappy.. what happened to me? I thought things were getting better, but I guess I was wrong.

maybe this is the result of me trying to distance myself from my friends and not caring when I do.

I don't want to do this anymore. it hurts too much. it's not worth it.

I want to talk to you again.. like we used to. I know it's selfish of me, but I really can't stand doing this anymore. the silence, the confused look on your face, the lack of expression on my own.. what happened to us? I really wonder if we're still friends. sometimes you surprise me with your actions, but I can't help but feel that they're done just to make me feel better.. I feel like we're not close. like we're not friends. your decision to talk to other people, rather than me, hurts..

I don't think I'm too selfish in wanting to talk to you every once in a while. but, when you choose to talk to others that you're around more often, in favor of me, when we're all there.. it hurts. when it happens everyday, for up to a week at a time, I think I did something wrong.. the jealousy, the pain, the uncertainty of whether or not we're even friends; it hurts so much. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep telling myself that things will be alright, because they aren't.

the only thing I ask of you is to talk to me more.. maybe I can tell you all of this myself. or maybe you'll find this blog and discover how much I miss you and that what we're doing right now isn't going to work for me..

oh my god..

I never knew.. I'm still shocked..

I don't know how you managed to tell me; I would be too scared to do that..

this really explains a lot..

.. I wish I could help you out, rather than just worry..

always thinking about you.

"when the sun shines, we'll shine together,
told you I'll be here forever,
said I'll always be your friend,
took an oath, I'mma stick it out to the end"

[sometimes, I can't help but wonder.. if those words you spoke that day were true..]

"now that it's raining more than ever,
know that we still have each other,
you can stand under my umbrella,
you can stand under my umbrella.."

[do we really? I still feel that aching pain; that friendship in the past that caused me anguish.. is that preventing me from trusting people? from believing that they are there for me? is it so hard for me to believe that you're my friend? that you'll be there for me? that despite what I believe, you're there for me..?]

"these fancy things,
will never come in between,
you're part of my entity,
here for infinity..."

[I wonder if we'll still be friends.. if you'll still be there for me.. when we're no longer a part of each other's lives.. when you'll be off somewhere else.. I wonder how our friendship will stand the test of time and space..]

"and when the war has took its part,
when the world has dealt its cards,
if the hand is hard,
together we'll mend your heart..."

[I question the validity of this.. though, you've disproved me before. all I can do, it seems, is to let you work your magic.. I really hope you do; otherwise, I don't know what I'll do..]

「umbrella」 // scott simons