unsure.

to be quite honest, I don't know how to describe today. I would say that it sucked, but that was only because of my attitude.

isn't this what I wanted? no... I'm a terrible person, manipulating the people who care about me in order to force them to say the things I'd like them to say; guilt-tripping them with tears and using low, cowardly threats to coerce them into doing little things for me. this isn't the way things were supposed to turn out. I guess I AM just a manipulative monster who can't control himself.

it's really difficult. when you care so much about your friends that it hurts, when you can't get your mind off certain friends, when the sheer prospect of just talking to some friends makes you feel apprehensive. when you feel unsure as to whether or not your friends really care..

a friend told me they had a dream regarding me. long story short, it scared them to death, alongside a frustrated message I sent them. I genuinely felt like they stopped caring, but after talking to them, I realize now that they care about me enough to want to shield me from what they may possibly do to me. how can I keep doing this to my friends, and yet still desire for them to help me? at first I believed I was justified in my actions, but now, I can see that what I did was only to benefit myself. and guess what? in the end, it didn't work.

despite all of this, I'll remember today. when you wiped away my tears and offered me advice. when you comforted me when I was helpless.

I won't forget. thank you for everything. I'm not joking when I say that it's a wonder that you're still here for me.