colorgenics results.

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

The way things are you are under considerable stress and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone around you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone and you are right - move back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

Your confidence has been shattered. There are so many things that you would like to do with your life, so many dreams to be fulfilled - and you know that your hopes and dreams are not just figments of your imagination, they are real and you are looking for reassurance from someone. Basically your fears are such that you may be prevented in attaining your hopes and dreams. Even now you would like to broaden your fields of endeavour but in order to develop your 'inner- self' you need peace and solace. You are distressed by the fear that you may be prevented from attaining your goals. What you really need at this particular moment in time is quiet reassurance from someone close to you to restore your confidence.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

--

Please, I hope for peace of rest.. I don't want to let it consume me anymore..

Please let the past remain there, and shed light on the gift of the present..

sorry.

I'm sorry for worrying people on Monday. Next time, I'll just keep it to myself. That way, no one will worry about me or suspect that something is wrong.

I don't want to explain why I was absent on Monday. However, I will say that it was necessary.

To one specific person who may be reading this.. I don't know where we stand anymore. I don't know what is 'okay' to do with you. I don't know if you want me to leave your life so that you won't have to deal with me anymore, or if you're just waiting for me to change so that we can become friends again. You told me on Friday that you believed that we're not friends. That, my friend (or should I say, friend-no-longer..), broke something in me. And I can't recover. I don't have any more energy, endurance, or motivation to continue trying.

I see you every day, and when I hear those words echo in my mind, I can feel tears rising up, threatening to break through my grimace. I want to hear you comfort me, to hear you tell me that I'm wrong, that you ARE my friend.. But when you said those words, my only safeguard shattered. Whether or not you care is up to you.. But the reason why I have been so depressed this week is because of you. Not because what I dreamed could never come true.. But because I know for a fact now that we're no longer friends.

My nightmare for so long.. It finally came true. And it's truly torturous to endure it every day.

[Edit: I was called by that friend while writing this, and although it still hurts, the pain has been alleviated a bit. I'll keep trying to build up our friendship; I hope you reciprocate.. Two months.]

This is the latest I've been up for a couple of days. It's kind of strange, considering that I usually wake up at 2AM or 3AM.

Here is to hoping things get better.. I'll work on it. Though, I'm still not ready to present myself. I hope you guys forgive me for that.

Goodbye, guys...

This may be the last time I say that.

Reasons are withheld. Time will reveal an answer.

I'll leave without a trace. No one will notice. And no one will care, either.

I will end it all.

Goodbye.

the color quiz.

Your Existing Situation

Feeling dissatisfied in his current situation and has a strong desire to escape or find an immediate solution.

Your Stress Sources

"Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep his rank and status. His current situation is irritating him because he can't seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards he does. He is feeling isolated and wants to give in to his carnal urges, but can't bring himself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see his unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead he has an ""I don't care"" attitude and pushing people away. He turns his back on those who criticizes his behavior, but beneath his indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave him feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

"Struggles to make his demands clear, but feels ignored. Feels resentful, but acts as if he doesn't care, doing what is necessary to keep peace."

Conceited and is easily insulted. Holds back emotionally.

Your Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Your Actual Problem

"Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other."

Your Actual Problem #2

Disappointed because his hopes have not come to pass and he fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. He tries to escape into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment.

--

it's really quite odd how accurate these "quizzes" are.

friendship, a fickle thing;
not quite an acquaintance with a stranger
nor an experience with a lover.

this bond formed between two people,
it continually wavers,
never settling.

it stands through the test of time,
through change;
its lasting is a testament to its solidarity.

yet, can "change" sever this tie?
will the unpredictability of our futures
inevitably end this relationship?

perhaps it would be prudent
to stop it of our own accord;
to eviscerate what's left.

for if its doom is inevitable,
what purpose is there
in pursuing a lost cause?

not here, nor now,
will it ever happen.

yet, hope drives me
to strive
for that which is impossible.

a life lived not so alone,
without solitude grasping my neck.

understanding and love;
both, cruel figments
of my imagination.

victory, a bittersweet finale,
for surely, in the end,
death is inevitable.

it's over.

you win, life. I'm done trying. I give up. I have inexplicably and irrevocably failed.

word of advice: treat every day as if it were the last.

a slight twitch
accompanied the quick glance;
the discomfort was prevalent,
calmness, an impossibility.

their tightly-shut eyes,
a grimace on their face.
"what am I doing, forcing them through this?"
I thought to myself;
"do you enjoy their suffering?"

another voice defended the act;
"I'm merely standing next to them."

the former retaliated,
"you selfish bastard. can't you see what this is doing?"

the second voice
went into remission,
its justification rendered insignificant.

and, still, the desire to be close to them,
to leave solitude behind..

oh, contemplations;
when will this get better?
when will things be alright?
when will we become friends again?

cursed thoughts
tightly gripping my throat;
they will eventually possess my own two hands.
at that point..
there's no turning back.

no more time for goodbyes.
no more time for regrets.
no more time for one last "I love you."

"no more talk of darkness,
forget these wide-eyed fears;
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
my words will warm and calm you..

let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears;
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you.."
--[All I Ask of You] // The Phantom of the Opera

track makes me feel like crap. not just because I feel incredibly inadequate in comparison to everyone else, but also because I'm trying my hardest and STILL falling behind the people who are barely trying.

I always wished that I could have been athletic. it seems a bit greedy of me to want to be good at everything, but truthfully, I'm quite competitive. in sports, I get very frustrated because of my inadequacy or lack of endurance. it doesn't help my self-esteem to constantly be last when running, feeling out-of-breath before the real practice even starts.

I keep questioning my decision to join.. when I think about it, I'm really no good. so why am I still there? why do I bother trying so hard when I'm just going to fail anyways? it's the same with everything: no matter how hard I try, I still end up on the bottom.

it doesn't matter what it's in anymore; everything has ended in failure. choir? I thought I was an alright singer, maybe even good, but I failed so hard at that. I failed to get solos when I wanted them. not everyone does.. but I really thought I had a chance with some of them. and music? even though I practice, my skills never seem to get any better. my friendships? some of them have withered and died, whereas some of them are the epitome of awkward turtle.

I can't help but think I'm a failure with everything weighing down on me. it feels like success isn't even a possibility anymore.. giving up seems like the only option I have.

oh, and sleep. something that's supposed to offer a reprieve from stress and life, and let me rest.. I've spent so many nights just lying down in bed, unable to fall asleep. I'm not talking about just one or two hours.. and I've been exhausted when I lie down, too. for three nights in a row, I'd try to sleep at 7PM, but I wouldn't fall asleep til 12AM or 1AM. and I had barely any sleep the night before those. I was so mentally and physically exhausted on Wednesday.. I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt the tears roll down my face. my voice was so monotone even when I was crying. I couldn't even walk without some kind of support. I didn't even go to school because I was so extremely exhausted..

my mom got into an argument again with me today because I "procrastinate and am always tired". it's not my fault that I can't fall asleep. does it look like I'm forcing myself to stay up when I want to sleep? why can't you understand that it's not my fault? why is it that you choose to ignore everything that happens to me, and expect me to fulfill the role of the son that you never cared for? you "care"; I'd like to see you genuinely care. the last time you showed that you cared was when my brother was on his deathbed. does it take death for you to realize that you haven't successfully done your job as a parent? will you push me to that point?

perhaps... but no... I made a promise...

what good is honoring that promise when I won't be able to be reprimanded after breaking it?

no good.

I wonder how long I can keep going. I already broke down yesterday.

the only reason why I'm still going is because I can't bear to break your heart. had I fully achieved my objective yesterday, that would have most definitely happened.

well.. I've kept my promise. for your sake, I hope I continue to do so.

"I am God's child,
set upon this decayed Earth.
how do I live on such a field?
this isn't why I was born..

my stride succumbs to a sudden gust of wind,
it seems like I'll fall any moment
but these chains won't allow it.

having surrendered up my heart to you,
my feelings for you now lay scattered about,
I still don't know how to pick them up..

talk more about your 'reasons'
until I fall asleep.
I'm swathed in medicine that doesn't work
here, there is no sound.
what should I believe in?

I am God's child,
these sounds of anguish leave scars on my back.
'I can't hang out in this world'
it's my only thought
I have no place anywhere..

discomfort, a bitterly cold wall;
what will be the next thing to weaken me?
don't reach out your hand, even in the end,
you, of all people, will rescue me from the silence.
and time will speed the pain.."
-chihiro onitsuka // gekkou (moonlight)