start of summer.

doing better now.

I'm kind of sad that summer school is ending in a couple of days. yeah, it may be tiring, and yeah, it's challenging.. but there's something invigorating about going everyday. the people, the math.. I even dreamt of math on various occasions and couldn't stop thinking about the subject. which brings me to a story..

I was at the mall with a friend to watch Harry Potter after it came out, and I saw a design on the ground that looked like a half circle with a vertical line touching it at one point. at that moment, I instantly said "find the equation of the line tangent to the parabola". my friend was bewildered, and I was embarrassed. we both had a good laugh afterwards, though.

summer school's soon ending, but so many things are just beginning.. I wonder what the future will bring? what marvels I will see, what occasions I will enjoy, what vicissitudes I will endure, what atrocities I will despise, what people I will love..

"keep your chin up. there's always tomorrow."

running away.

what lives we live,

to meet the expectations of others, maybe ourselves.

what truths we face,

experiencing revelations.

what lies we make,

to escape the pain.

--

for the past month I've been running. from my fears? from my problems? no.. from my heart.

I have successfully dissociated myself with the ones truly important to me. for a month, my mind lay blank as I attempted to escape. utter bliss; pain was in remission, happiness seemed to be a possibility.

well.. not entirely.

I dreamt of them again. this time, it wasn't good.. he put on a hoodie and tried to escape from me. tried to blend in with the crowd, to hide from me. what is my mind trying to tell me..?

after this dream, I awoke with memories flooding my mind. memories of what bad I have done, of what you have done for me.. and the knowledge that we weren't likely to ever be good friends again. maybe in the future, you can learn to forgive me for what I've done.. I'll just do my best to show you that I've changed for the better. I know you'd like to give me a second chance, but quite frankly, I don't think I would do it if I were in your shoes.

I am so tired.. and these memories that I kept at bay have again stolen my sleep.

forgiveness is something we can only obtain on the behalf of others' kindness. and one must have the strength, the belief in themselves, to say to themselves that they are truly sorry for what they have done. until them.. forgiveness remains an impossible feat to accomplish.

"Their actions have meaning because they act out of their own free will. What would be the point if everything happened as I wished it? I don't think that would be beautiful at all." - Brave Story

solace in song.

I watched the proverbial sunrise

coming up over the pacific and

I think I might be losing my mind

but I will shy away from the specifics

cause I don't want you to know where I am

cause then you'll see my heart

in the saddest state it's ever been

this is no place to try and live my life

stop right there, it's exactly where I lost it

see that line, well, I never should have crossed it

stop right there, I never should have said that

it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change

I'm ready to be sure that I never become that way again

because who I am hates who I've been

who I am hates who I've been

I talk to absolutely no one

couldn't keep to myself enough

and the things bottled up inside have begun to create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up

and I heard the reverberating footsteps

syncing up to the beating of my heart

and I was positive that, unless,

I got myself together, I'd watch me fall apart

and I can't let that happen again

cause then you'll see my heart

in the saddest state it's ever been

and this is no place to try and live my life.

I'm sorry for the person I became

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change

I'm ready to be sure that I never become that way again

cause who I am hates who I've been

who I am hates who I've been

-//relient k

"hearts break quietly, and no one can hear."

thanks.

we have more in common than I thought. but how I discovered it was pretty lulzy.

dang, though.. what a way to find out. I'm still surprised.

thanks for the time you spent with me today. really.. I do appreciate it.

biking.

so a week ago, my friend invited me to go biking to the beach with some other friends. me, being the naive person I am, accepted the offer.

did I mention that I have ridden a bike exactly ONCE before this? and that was for a mere five minutes. I can't believe I learned how to ride a bike well enough to survive an 18+ mile trip in that same day. it is an incredible feeling.. self-accomplishment.

so I had to train on Wednesday with Ronni to get myself in somewhat-decent shape. then some more training this morning, before we left for the beach. so before biking an eight mile road to Seal Beach, I totaled about two hours worth of bike riding.

holy hell, I did not know that eight miles felt like that.

it wasn't physical fatigue that got to me. it was the fear. fear of crashing.. fear of falling.. fear of falling into a fifty-foot ditch full of broken glass.. fear of stumbling into a fifteen foot drop, lined with dry branches and jagged rock that, when landed on at twenty-five miles an hour, could potentially kill me.

for nearly five hours, I constantly rode with the fear of death lingering above my head. yes, I managed to avoid the precarious obstacles that lay before me.. but not completely. scars remain from the first trip that occurred through, strangely enough, the surface streets. and because of this, I have come to at least one conclusion regarding sidewalks.

sidewalks are way too fucking small.

in an area where many people ride bikes, there is a sidewalk about the size of 4/5 a car lane's. and in the middle of this sidewalk there is a one-foot-in-diameter pole sticking out, and a clusterfuck of plants and vines next to it, protruding by one foot.

let us do the math, shall we? if we estimate a typical car lane to be about five feet wide, that leaves about four feet for the sidewalk. but wait! the obstacle in the middle forces one to veer either left or right from it, with about two feet to spare on each side. when I approached this obstacle, guess where I went?

straight into the branches.

ain't no fuckin' way I'm risking biking into traffic. that's just silly! but I guess getting fifteen scratches/scars in one shot is also pretty damn stupid. oh well.. it was still fun. though, now I am covered in band-aids. and my legs feel the burn after so many miles of biking, scratching, and falling.

the beach was quite fun. making moats and sand castles and getting buried and tickled like crazy. the beach was probably the single most enjoyable part. second time I've been there.. but this was the first in which I had fun. it's an indescribable experience; to wade in the water, to look at the shimmering sand, to have a force of nature bear itself upon you, crash after crash. to be swept away, pushed by an unnaturally strong force; to be one with the sea.. the sheer joy of jumping in the waves took me, but it's so enjoyable. too bad I have an awful sunburn on my entire back (stupid me, didn't apply there because I couldn't reach it).

but damn, that path was freaking small. I was so scared.. every single time a cycler would pass by, I freaked out. I couldn't control myself, and narrowly avoided death many, many times. I'm glad my friends waited for me so much.. I was so slow going the first time around, because I was so scared. I really thought, "today.. is this the last thing I'm going to do?"

I can't describe that anxiety. the constant feeling that death is watching you, that death is waiting for that one lapse in judgment in order to seize your life..

please don't let that day be soon.. I have too much at stake.

why does death have to be an everlasting aspect of my life? I feared for it when a family member of mine grew suicidal within hours. I feared for it when my brother didn't return from the hospital four years ago. I feared for it yesterday when someone around me went crazy and physically abused me for no reason. I feared for it today when I rode through treacherous paths, clumsily and unsteadily.

fear possesses the soul and refuses to take it back. death is always present; whether it be in popular media, or society, or myself, there is only one thing that truly matters to myself. control over myself, regardless of the situation.

fear threatens to conquer me. my fear of my love for people, my fear of my ambitions, my fear of people seeing the "real me". I have repulsed the one person in my life who has done everything in their power to help me when they are one of the few capable of doing so. they are capable of so much; a true jack-of-all trades. and yet my own fears prevent me from loving them. a fear that conquers my soul, dictating what I do.

I don't want to fall into this cycle again.. can you please help me? I didn't say "oh, I'm dying, please help me!". or, "look at me, I CAN'T do it because I'm ME". I was trying to explain that, my god, there was a chance that today could have been the last day of my life... that you might have never seen me again... that I truly would have died.

and yet, you see it as a plea for help, a whining on my part. defying your logic, your standards, yet again.

I want your friendship. do you truly wish to maintain this strong opinion of your's that I am no longer capable of happiness? that I am unable to be helped? I cannot do this on my alone, yes. but I am definitely trying. and I am definitely doing SOMETHING that is making progress. and yet, I cannot talk about the good things to you. I do not allow myself to, because you said that you could no longer see my achievements.. so now it is a waste of time for me to tell you. so why bother anymore? you said yourself that what 'progress' I've made is invisible to you.

I wish so badly that this can be reparable. but I'm afraid that, given our circumstances, it won't be.

(ugh, I started writing this last night at 11PM, felt too sleepy by 12AM to finish it, then just finished it at 11AM this morning.. I didn't even know I wrote some of the things in here, it just kinda went on automatic.)

summer school.

I made a new friend at summer school today. well, to be precise, on the public bus. he's in my precalc class, but he took the same bus as I did.

he seemed a bit lonely at summer school.. so often I would see him and he would eat his lunch alone, or he wouldn't smile. a five hour school day would elapse without so much as a grin to crack his monotone look. except that third day of school; I saw a smile materialize on his face, and I decided that I would try my best to make that happen more. took a week though..

he's pretty cool.. albeit a bit reserved. I was surprised to find out that he lives near me and is 2nd chair in the alto sax section in his school's advanced band class.

haha, I'm so awkward and stalker-ish. I found out his name by waiting for Mr. Williams to call his name to collect his test.

though, it's strange. I found myself getting an adrenaline rush just thinking about trying to introduce myself on the bus. after someone left the seat beside him, it took me a good two or three minutes to gather the will to move to the back and sit next to him. then it took another five minutes for me to actually ask him if his name was Eric.

I dunno why, but my heart rate shot up when I tried to convince myself to talk to him. perhaps just the thought of initiating conversation with a complete stranger, or making a new friend, was shocking to me. I was scared that he would have ignored me or thought I was creepy.

fortunately, my fears were for naught as we launched into a conversation. I went from initiating a conversation by asking, "hey, is your name Eric?" to giving him my math test to check his test corrections with. his aspirations to go to Princeton surprised me, as well as his acceptance of my odd character.

hurray for new friends. I think it was worth the difficulty on my part to make a new friend, as well as to make someone smile. he's a senior; it can't be fun to be a senior and to be alone.

wispful.

a day spent, not quite in solitude, nor in boredom.

a simple act of kindness, generated by the goodness of their hearts. a commitment made, a day set aside; anticipation lagged behind as the hours passed, minutes ticked by.

an escape from hell; a place providing a shelter from the incessant cacophony of life.

the return came too quickly; hours flew by, untamed by the restrictions of time.

goodbye was bittersweet. their arms and body wrapped around my own for the briefest of moments. I savored the security, the warmth; and yet, I could not hold onto it. before long, the wisp faded away, only a vague recollection in a vast sea of memories.

I inhaled with brevity as I returned to resume life as I knew it.

graduation.

"don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

I bowed my head in humility, attempting to stifle the whimpers that seeped through the cracks of my facade. it was of no use; they broke through, shattering what little dignity I had.

as I sat there in disbelief, embarrassed by the intense emotions I had let control me, two women of Spanish descent talked loudly and rapidly in a foreign tongue.

tears rolled down my face as the ceremony continued.

regaining my composure after losing it so splendidly required energy. in fact, I could only keep up the charade for as long as there were people around; I could not embarrass myself again. I feigned contentedness, unable to speak for the tortured soul within that missed his friends, that felt as if that day were to be his last one on earth.

for hours, my face smashed itself into a pillow, wet and hot. bloodshot eyes brought back memories of anguish and terror. between gasps for air through the sobbing, thought processes focused entirely on could-have-been's. goodbye-forever's and promises of solitude took over my mind, drove me insane.

what a wonderful time to break down.

novella.

I am attempting to write a story.

finished with the Prologue and the first chapter. however, the disparity in style between the two parts makes me wonder if I should edit the first chapter heavily.

I'll try to write a chapter every day or two. will be posted at:

http://reachtowardsthesky.blogspot.com .

please read and critique it; I desperately need critiquing in order to improve my writing.

also, please note that I am writing this as I go along; no brainstorming, just writing as my muse dictates it. as a result, it is very up-in-the-air; many things are subject to change. in fact, I've been replacing important details, because originally they were not very realistic or suited for the story I'm writing.