music.

a raucous sound
lingered in the air--
a dissonant chord clashed,
evoking tension.

the black bow glided jerkily,
moving, as if possessed,
striking four-note chords
that echoed throughout the night.

a cacophony of pitches
erupted from the resonating chamber,
fueled by its player's anxiety.

piercing and projecting--
the animals barked in commiseration with it,
sharing in the outpouring, the agony
that so consumed life itself.

so empty.

so unhappy.. what happened to me? I thought things were getting better, but I guess I was wrong.

maybe this is the result of me trying to distance myself from my friends and not caring when I do.

I don't want to do this anymore. it hurts too much. it's not worth it.

I want to talk to you again.. like we used to. I know it's selfish of me, but I really can't stand doing this anymore. the silence, the confused look on your face, the lack of expression on my own.. what happened to us? I really wonder if we're still friends. sometimes you surprise me with your actions, but I can't help but feel that they're done just to make me feel better.. I feel like we're not close. like we're not friends. your decision to talk to other people, rather than me, hurts..

I don't think I'm too selfish in wanting to talk to you every once in a while. but, when you choose to talk to others that you're around more often, in favor of me, when we're all there.. it hurts. when it happens everyday, for up to a week at a time, I think I did something wrong.. the jealousy, the pain, the uncertainty of whether or not we're even friends; it hurts so much. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep telling myself that things will be alright, because they aren't.

the only thing I ask of you is to talk to me more.. maybe I can tell you all of this myself. or maybe you'll find this blog and discover how much I miss you and that what we're doing right now isn't going to work for me..

oh my god..

I never knew.. I'm still shocked..

I don't know how you managed to tell me; I would be too scared to do that..

this really explains a lot..

.. I wish I could help you out, rather than just worry..

always thinking about you.

"when the sun shines, we'll shine together,
told you I'll be here forever,
said I'll always be your friend,
took an oath, I'mma stick it out to the end"

[sometimes, I can't help but wonder.. if those words you spoke that day were true..]

"now that it's raining more than ever,
know that we still have each other,
you can stand under my umbrella,
you can stand under my umbrella.."

[do we really? I still feel that aching pain; that friendship in the past that caused me anguish.. is that preventing me from trusting people? from believing that they are there for me? is it so hard for me to believe that you're my friend? that you'll be there for me? that despite what I believe, you're there for me..?]

"these fancy things,
will never come in between,
you're part of my entity,
here for infinity..."

[I wonder if we'll still be friends.. if you'll still be there for me.. when we're no longer a part of each other's lives.. when you'll be off somewhere else.. I wonder how our friendship will stand the test of time and space..]

"and when the war has took its part,
when the world has dealt its cards,
if the hand is hard,
together we'll mend your heart..."

[I question the validity of this.. though, you've disproved me before. all I can do, it seems, is to let you work your magic.. I really hope you do; otherwise, I don't know what I'll do..]

「umbrella」 // scott simons

gekkou - chihiro onitsuka

I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...

My stride succumbs to a sudden gust of wind
It seems like I’ll fall any moment
But these chains won’t allow it

Having surrendered up my heart to you
My feelings for you now lay scattered about
I still don’t know how to pick them up

I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...

Talk more about your ‘reasons’
Until I fall asleep

I’m swathed in medicine that doesn’t work
Here, there is no sound,
What should I believe in?

I am GOD’S CHILD
These sounds of anguish leave scars on my back
I can’t hang out this world
It’s my only thought: I have no place anywhere

Discomfort, a bitterly cold wall,
What will the next thing to weaken me?
Don’t reach out your hand, even at the end
You, of all people, will rescue me

From the silence

Time will speed the pain

I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...

I am GOD’S CHILD
These sounds of anguish leave scars on my back
I can’t hang out this world
It’s my only thought
I have no place anywhere

[gekkou] // -chihiro onitsuka

a life.

uncharacteristically cold. lonely. full of regrets and wishes for happiness.

what is happiness? a state of mind that is impossible to attain? having one's dreams and desires fulfilled?

what are "dreams"? those faint recollections of a happily-ever-after? a fluttering wisp from childhood?

adolescence. our time of innocence. oh, how I wish I had mine. how I long to have ever had a period in my life where dreams were conceivable, where hopes weren't just empty wishes..

my parents had no time to read to me. I had no friends. my only solace was in books of grandeur and adventure, in places where everything was exposed. thereafter I grew enamored with the hideous filth we call the internet, a truly atrocious creation that only served to further augment my descent to hell.

I wonder if things would be different if my parents cared more about me and were more cautious of my growth and activities.

(on a side note, I got a hair cut.)

I wonder..

sometimes, I wonder if it's social norms that prevent me from doing the things I'd like to do.

sometimes I get so scared, so self-conscious, when I simply want to talk to someone.. but I'm afraid that people will misconstrue it as something other than friendship, or that they'll start bothering that person afterwards.

then again, it might just be my own sense of self-consciousness that prevents me from having the courage to doing something as simple as saying hello, or giving a friend a hug.

I realized only a few days ago that, despite my own desire to receive hugs and/or talk to people, I feel like I'll bother the other party if I talk to them or do something as physical as a hug. perhaps they feel the same way, so maybe they reciprocate that feeling.

I wish I wasn't so alone. I feel terrible every time in P.E. when almost everyone else has a friend/a group of friends that they talk to, and when I'm alone.. an hour of solitude everyday, watching people fool around with their friends. and every AP Euro period, I feel really alone.. it doesn't help that I'm nearly failing that class. what is it that makes fate want to make my life so difficult? do I really deserve all of this? my only solace is in a new friend, as well as a hope that, quite honestly, I have nearly no hope left that it will happen.

how will I ask them? it's such a weird thing to ask for.. not to mention, it'll make them feel awkward.. I wish my aversion to the people closest to me would just go away. I can't stand it anymore.

actually..

I think I do have a chance. if they don't mind me calling every few days. I can live with just talking. that's enough to keep me happy.

--

people say our school submits us to an incredibly demanding curriculum, but I don't think so. perhaps it's my lax view on grades (i.e. "C in euro? meh, oh well. B+ in English? oh well. B+ in Alg II/Trig? sucks for me."), but I feel that some people are placing a disturbing amount of significance on a letter on our transcripts that will only slightly impact our future.

perhaps it's because I've given up on trying, but I'm flying by with nearly a 4.0.

I don't know if it's actual intelligence that's getting me by right now, or if it's dumb luck. most people would kill to be in my position right now; to have "such good grades" and "be so smart" or "be good at music" without ever trying. it's not as if this doesn't come without its costs, though. my level as a musician has only been achieved through hours and hours of dedication by the means of practice. not to mention, if I AM smart, well, personally, that's just asking for more trouble. I don't know how my mind compares to a normal person's, but I seem to be afflicted with more problems than the average human being. most being mental.

college seems so far away, but it's speeding towards us, faster than we think.. where are we going? what do we want to do? and where will we end up, seven years from now, when we graduate college and leave behind the academic world? what kind of careers will we have? which friends will be the ones to stay with us during this lifelong journey?

time is the only answer to all of these questions. and it's unstoppable.

I think the best plan of action right now is to start steeling myself for the inevitable.

the other party suggested it.

and hey, with six months of preparation, maybe it won't be as much of a failure as all the other attempts. in any case, it'll be a one-shot thing. either I'm ready by then.. or I'm not. if I am, well, things should progress smoothly, and life will go on. if I'm not, which is most likely going to happen, I'm going to be a nervous wreck for a while. and I'll most likely do a lot of stupid things.

wish me luck. I guess we'll see if I'm 'still alive' seven months from now. (yay Portal.)

after waking up at 3PM, I realized that it will be extremely difficult for me to move on. when this school year's done and over with, I may end up with even more problems than I started with.

I hope I can come to terms with everything happening.. if not, boy, I'm in trouble. God help me when June comes.

--

on a totally unrelated note..

[20:40] m0535x0h: lets rephrase the question: would u bang a puppy or a dead person?
[20:41] xephyre: what would YOU do?
[20:41] m0535x0h: uhm..
[20:41] m0535x0h: both?
[20:41] m0535x0h: i did not just say that..