I wonder..

sometimes, I wonder if it's social norms that prevent me from doing the things I'd like to do.

sometimes I get so scared, so self-conscious, when I simply want to talk to someone.. but I'm afraid that people will misconstrue it as something other than friendship, or that they'll start bothering that person afterwards.

then again, it might just be my own sense of self-consciousness that prevents me from having the courage to doing something as simple as saying hello, or giving a friend a hug.

I realized only a few days ago that, despite my own desire to receive hugs and/or talk to people, I feel like I'll bother the other party if I talk to them or do something as physical as a hug. perhaps they feel the same way, so maybe they reciprocate that feeling.

I wish I wasn't so alone. I feel terrible every time in P.E. when almost everyone else has a friend/a group of friends that they talk to, and when I'm alone.. an hour of solitude everyday, watching people fool around with their friends. and every AP Euro period, I feel really alone.. it doesn't help that I'm nearly failing that class. what is it that makes fate want to make my life so difficult? do I really deserve all of this? my only solace is in a new friend, as well as a hope that, quite honestly, I have nearly no hope left that it will happen.

how will I ask them? it's such a weird thing to ask for.. not to mention, it'll make them feel awkward.. I wish my aversion to the people closest to me would just go away. I can't stand it anymore.