oh my god..

I never knew.. I'm still shocked..

I don't know how you managed to tell me; I would be too scared to do that..

this really explains a lot..

.. I wish I could help you out, rather than just worry..

always thinking about you.

"when the sun shines, we'll shine together,
told you I'll be here forever,
said I'll always be your friend,
took an oath, I'mma stick it out to the end"

[sometimes, I can't help but wonder.. if those words you spoke that day were true..]

"now that it's raining more than ever,
know that we still have each other,
you can stand under my umbrella,
you can stand under my umbrella.."

[do we really? I still feel that aching pain; that friendship in the past that caused me anguish.. is that preventing me from trusting people? from believing that they are there for me? is it so hard for me to believe that you're my friend? that you'll be there for me? that despite what I believe, you're there for me..?]

"these fancy things,
will never come in between,
you're part of my entity,
here for infinity..."

[I wonder if we'll still be friends.. if you'll still be there for me.. when we're no longer a part of each other's lives.. when you'll be off somewhere else.. I wonder how our friendship will stand the test of time and space..]

"and when the war has took its part,
when the world has dealt its cards,
if the hand is hard,
together we'll mend your heart..."

[I question the validity of this.. though, you've disproved me before. all I can do, it seems, is to let you work your magic.. I really hope you do; otherwise, I don't know what I'll do..]

「umbrella」 // scott simons

gekkou - chihiro onitsuka

I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...

My stride succumbs to a sudden gust of wind
It seems like I’ll fall any moment
But these chains won’t allow it

Having surrendered up my heart to you
My feelings for you now lay scattered about
I still don’t know how to pick them up

I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...

Talk more about your ‘reasons’
Until I fall asleep

I’m swathed in medicine that doesn’t work
Here, there is no sound,
What should I believe in?

I am GOD’S CHILD
These sounds of anguish leave scars on my back
I can’t hang out this world
It’s my only thought: I have no place anywhere

Discomfort, a bitterly cold wall,
What will the next thing to weaken me?
Don’t reach out your hand, even at the end
You, of all people, will rescue me

From the silence

Time will speed the pain

I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...

I am GOD’S CHILD
These sounds of anguish leave scars on my back
I can’t hang out this world
It’s my only thought
I have no place anywhere

[gekkou] // -chihiro onitsuka

a life.

uncharacteristically cold. lonely. full of regrets and wishes for happiness.

what is happiness? a state of mind that is impossible to attain? having one's dreams and desires fulfilled?

what are "dreams"? those faint recollections of a happily-ever-after? a fluttering wisp from childhood?

adolescence. our time of innocence. oh, how I wish I had mine. how I long to have ever had a period in my life where dreams were conceivable, where hopes weren't just empty wishes..

my parents had no time to read to me. I had no friends. my only solace was in books of grandeur and adventure, in places where everything was exposed. thereafter I grew enamored with the hideous filth we call the internet, a truly atrocious creation that only served to further augment my descent to hell.

I wonder if things would be different if my parents cared more about me and were more cautious of my growth and activities.

(on a side note, I got a hair cut.)

I wonder..

sometimes, I wonder if it's social norms that prevent me from doing the things I'd like to do.

sometimes I get so scared, so self-conscious, when I simply want to talk to someone.. but I'm afraid that people will misconstrue it as something other than friendship, or that they'll start bothering that person afterwards.

then again, it might just be my own sense of self-consciousness that prevents me from having the courage to doing something as simple as saying hello, or giving a friend a hug.

I realized only a few days ago that, despite my own desire to receive hugs and/or talk to people, I feel like I'll bother the other party if I talk to them or do something as physical as a hug. perhaps they feel the same way, so maybe they reciprocate that feeling.

I wish I wasn't so alone. I feel terrible every time in P.E. when almost everyone else has a friend/a group of friends that they talk to, and when I'm alone.. an hour of solitude everyday, watching people fool around with their friends. and every AP Euro period, I feel really alone.. it doesn't help that I'm nearly failing that class. what is it that makes fate want to make my life so difficult? do I really deserve all of this? my only solace is in a new friend, as well as a hope that, quite honestly, I have nearly no hope left that it will happen.

how will I ask them? it's such a weird thing to ask for.. not to mention, it'll make them feel awkward.. I wish my aversion to the people closest to me would just go away. I can't stand it anymore.

actually..

I think I do have a chance. if they don't mind me calling every few days. I can live with just talking. that's enough to keep me happy.

--

people say our school submits us to an incredibly demanding curriculum, but I don't think so. perhaps it's my lax view on grades (i.e. "C in euro? meh, oh well. B+ in English? oh well. B+ in Alg II/Trig? sucks for me."), but I feel that some people are placing a disturbing amount of significance on a letter on our transcripts that will only slightly impact our future.

perhaps it's because I've given up on trying, but I'm flying by with nearly a 4.0.

I don't know if it's actual intelligence that's getting me by right now, or if it's dumb luck. most people would kill to be in my position right now; to have "such good grades" and "be so smart" or "be good at music" without ever trying. it's not as if this doesn't come without its costs, though. my level as a musician has only been achieved through hours and hours of dedication by the means of practice. not to mention, if I AM smart, well, personally, that's just asking for more trouble. I don't know how my mind compares to a normal person's, but I seem to be afflicted with more problems than the average human being. most being mental.

college seems so far away, but it's speeding towards us, faster than we think.. where are we going? what do we want to do? and where will we end up, seven years from now, when we graduate college and leave behind the academic world? what kind of careers will we have? which friends will be the ones to stay with us during this lifelong journey?

time is the only answer to all of these questions. and it's unstoppable.

I think the best plan of action right now is to start steeling myself for the inevitable.

the other party suggested it.

and hey, with six months of preparation, maybe it won't be as much of a failure as all the other attempts. in any case, it'll be a one-shot thing. either I'm ready by then.. or I'm not. if I am, well, things should progress smoothly, and life will go on. if I'm not, which is most likely going to happen, I'm going to be a nervous wreck for a while. and I'll most likely do a lot of stupid things.

wish me luck. I guess we'll see if I'm 'still alive' seven months from now. (yay Portal.)

after waking up at 3PM, I realized that it will be extremely difficult for me to move on. when this school year's done and over with, I may end up with even more problems than I started with.

I hope I can come to terms with everything happening.. if not, boy, I'm in trouble. God help me when June comes.

--

on a totally unrelated note..

[20:40] m0535x0h: lets rephrase the question: would u bang a puppy or a dead person?
[20:41] xephyre: what would YOU do?
[20:41] m0535x0h: uhm..
[20:41] m0535x0h: both?
[20:41] m0535x0h: i did not just say that..

last year, I fell into a lot of nasty predicaments.
last year, I stayed up all night with a friend.
last year, I had my heart broken.
last year, someone mended my heart.
last year, I attempted suicide.
last year, I became a Christian.
last year, I made good friends with a lot of seniors.
last year, I cried on the phone with a friend.
last year, I told someone important "I love you,"
last year, I coped with suicidal thoughts and depression.
last year, I admitted my dirty secret.
last year, I splurged well over $3,000 on cello-related purchases.
last year, I received an "I love you" from an important person. or more accurately, "of course I love you!"
last year, I had crushes on more than ten people at once.
last year, I made people happy.
last year, I wanted to run away from home.
last year, I walked in the night.
last year, I received love and affection from friends who are important to me.
last year, I pissed off a friend.
last year, I gave up on my future.
last year, I broke promises.
last year, I stayed afterschool til 11PM.
last year, I held a birthday party for myself.
last year, I brought drugs to school.
last year, I fantasized about the future.
last year, I had my dreams crushed.
last year, I was frustrated at California.
last year, I became a facebook addict.
last year, I hugged someone I loved.
last year, I (briefly) slept with someone in the same bed.
last year, I saw the importance of friends.
last year, I received a stuffed animal from an important person.
last year, I suffered the pain of unrequited love.
last year, I doubted my friends.
last year, I became obsessed with someone.
last year, I received one-thousand cranes (but unfortunately the wish didn't come with it.)

goodbye, 2008. I'll miss you.

now to embrace the new year, and all that it has to offer..

irony.

a festive time, winter break.

so many holidays occur during this brief, two week reprieve from the incessant drivel we have to deal with at school. and yet, I find myself growing weary of this. of course, celebrations and such are nice, but they're nothing in comparison to the warmth and reliability of friends at school.

what did I just say?

despite my own lack of motivation in school work, school seems to be the only consistent place I have to turn to when it comes to friends or fun. despite sucking a staggering 60 hours out of each 168 hour week (not including homework), I find it incredibly fun to go to. had I stayed home instead of at school, life would be incredibly dull. not to mention, I would miss my all-too-precious friends.

I'm glad school is starting in three days.

on a happier note, the past two days have been eventful. a spectacular birthday, if I do say so myself. and a new year eve/day that I spent at church. it was so exhilarating to see everyone again. and now, I find myself wanting more; to hang out with my friends, to talk to those who are important to me.

thank goodness school starts soon. I can't stand another week of this.