I had a lot of fun at the class activity today, despite the little mishap at the beginning. what a way to end finals week. the only thing that was bad about it was that Casie neglected to do what she told me and my friend; we were supposed to be in the same group for the scavenger hunt, and she even told us we could be, but she displaced us about a minute or two after telling us that we'd be together. some organization.. meh.
Tim Pei and Harvey and Hannah are all good and funny people.. but I just don't connect well with them. it's just hard for me to talk to them. and I was looking forward to spending the entire day with my friend, so it's not like it was just by chance that we were there together. it just made me kind of mad and irritated that she would forget what she said so easily. and Hannah was so thoughtful, trying to contact my friend's group so we could 'steal' him back. haha. thank you, Hannah, that was so thoughtful of you, but it was really alright. regardless of how things turned out, I still had a lot of fun. Harvey and Tim are fun to be around, if only because their crazy antics are so interesting.
during the movie, I kept talking to my friend.. and after the movie I just couldn't stop. I just hung out with him for the time before the scavenger hunt and the entire time after the movie started; maybe three hours total? we went to Hollister and bought matching shirts. I wasn't sure what to get, so I just decided to get the same shirt he did; it was our first time shopping in a Hollister. haha.. on free dress days, we'll match. afterwards, we went to his house, and played a bit of piano. it was quite interesting to discover the level at which he plays at.. if I had a piano of my own, I might be at a similar level that he's at. overall, it was a really fun day.. I had no worries. I was so carefree for once. it's such a contrast to my normal, day-to-day life. I hope it stays like this, even though I know it won't. life sucks too much to stay good after such a good day.
and, holy crap. I can't believe it. my brother and I actually talked to each other for the first time in six months. it was quite long, but never dragging; it was for about three hours straight. it's kind of interesting... all these good things happening on one day. maybe something's changed or changing for the better? who knows. I just hope this elation never dissipates.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
public transportation.
he watched people enter--
the old, the lonesome, the broken;
he was reminded of his own life.
'funny,' he thought to himself;
'these people are in a predicament worse than my own.'
his inquisitive eyes focused upon the obese woman (or is it a man?) taking three bus seats, an ancient man with a sunken face, a teenage mother attempting to corral her three infants into one seat.
he could not understand how the world continued revolving. how can everyone not stop and ignore these people? he was reminded of his aptly named "crappy day" at school. an instant after, visions of his life blurred past in his mind's eye. a few fleeting memories, barely visible, rushed past. suddenly, a plethora of thoughts sprang to his mind. a noose. the music room. a shimmery main gauche, glistening with blood. a pistol, with the acrid scent of gunpowder still lingering. a single, bleeding hole indicated the bullet's point-of-entry; the base of his skull, just like Lennie's--
'we are now approaching Harbor Boulevard and Lincoln Avenue.'
the boy snapped out of his reverie. he quickly pulled on the cord to indicate the bus's next stop. as it pulled into the curb, he awkwardly stumbled across the aisle, hoping that his façade would remain unbroken. exiting the public bus, not a word was uttered; however, all eyes focused on the boy. those simple, innocent bystanders were oblivious to the train of thought he just experienced.
the old, the lonesome, the broken;
he was reminded of his own life.
'funny,' he thought to himself;
'these people are in a predicament worse than my own.'
his inquisitive eyes focused upon the obese woman (or is it a man?) taking three bus seats, an ancient man with a sunken face, a teenage mother attempting to corral her three infants into one seat.
he could not understand how the world continued revolving. how can everyone not stop and ignore these people? he was reminded of his aptly named "crappy day" at school. an instant after, visions of his life blurred past in his mind's eye. a few fleeting memories, barely visible, rushed past. suddenly, a plethora of thoughts sprang to his mind. a noose. the music room. a shimmery main gauche, glistening with blood. a pistol, with the acrid scent of gunpowder still lingering. a single, bleeding hole indicated the bullet's point-of-entry; the base of his skull, just like Lennie's--
'we are now approaching Harbor Boulevard and Lincoln Avenue.'
the boy snapped out of his reverie. he quickly pulled on the cord to indicate the bus's next stop. as it pulled into the curb, he awkwardly stumbled across the aisle, hoping that his façade would remain unbroken. exiting the public bus, not a word was uttered; however, all eyes focused on the boy. those simple, innocent bystanders were oblivious to the train of thought he just experienced.
Monday, January 26, 2009
unsure.
to be quite honest, I don't know how to describe today. I would say that it sucked, but that was only because of my attitude.
isn't this what I wanted? no... I'm a terrible person, manipulating the people who care about me in order to force them to say the things I'd like them to say; guilt-tripping them with tears and using low, cowardly threats to coerce them into doing little things for me. this isn't the way things were supposed to turn out. I guess I AM just a manipulative monster who can't control himself.
it's really difficult. when you care so much about your friends that it hurts, when you can't get your mind off certain friends, when the sheer prospect of just talking to some friends makes you feel apprehensive. when you feel unsure as to whether or not your friends really care..
a friend told me they had a dream regarding me. long story short, it scared them to death, alongside a frustrated message I sent them. I genuinely felt like they stopped caring, but after talking to them, I realize now that they care about me enough to want to shield me from what they may possibly do to me. how can I keep doing this to my friends, and yet still desire for them to help me? at first I believed I was justified in my actions, but now, I can see that what I did was only to benefit myself. and guess what? in the end, it didn't work.
despite all of this, I'll remember today. when you wiped away my tears and offered me advice. when you comforted me when I was helpless.
I won't forget. thank you for everything. I'm not joking when I say that it's a wonder that you're still here for me.
isn't this what I wanted? no... I'm a terrible person, manipulating the people who care about me in order to force them to say the things I'd like them to say; guilt-tripping them with tears and using low, cowardly threats to coerce them into doing little things for me. this isn't the way things were supposed to turn out. I guess I AM just a manipulative monster who can't control himself.
it's really difficult. when you care so much about your friends that it hurts, when you can't get your mind off certain friends, when the sheer prospect of just talking to some friends makes you feel apprehensive. when you feel unsure as to whether or not your friends really care..
a friend told me they had a dream regarding me. long story short, it scared them to death, alongside a frustrated message I sent them. I genuinely felt like they stopped caring, but after talking to them, I realize now that they care about me enough to want to shield me from what they may possibly do to me. how can I keep doing this to my friends, and yet still desire for them to help me? at first I believed I was justified in my actions, but now, I can see that what I did was only to benefit myself. and guess what? in the end, it didn't work.
despite all of this, I'll remember today. when you wiped away my tears and offered me advice. when you comforted me when I was helpless.
I won't forget. thank you for everything. I'm not joking when I say that it's a wonder that you're still here for me.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
vicissitude.
I would like to think that maybe there is hope and that these sleepless nights are worth it.
I would like for this incessant pain to go away.
I would like for this embarrassment from that ridiculous detention to eventually dissipate.
I would like to be normal for once.
of course, there is no such thing as "normal". but talking to someone on the bus today was quite enlightening. within people, there are differences in their placement on the spectrum: some people have it worse in some ways, but better in others. and in that spectrum it's very difficult to find a good balance between the two extremes. perhaps it may be good that I have freedom within my life, as well as the decision to choose; however, I am severely lacking in another factor that actually results in that freedom. in ways we may believe other people have it better.. but it may be worse. who are we to list these people on an organized chart, deprived of details? how can we assume that those we do not know are not suffering? life is not perfect; in our lives, nothing can reach the level of perfection. everyone will have their emotional scars, their own quirks.
I could run away from home and stay at a friend's house if I just told my parents where I was. sometimes, I've contemplated doing it, just to see if they would look for me. they would never find me. I really wonder if it's as doable as I make it seem.
I've been better at school. I feel better. though, a piece of me still clings to that negative side; the one that causes me distress and my so-called "emo aura". sometimes, it can't help but surface. but I do believe that I've gotten better at containing it. I can tell when it comes out.. when my voice goes quiet and low, inaudible even to myself. when my eyes droop from the lack of energy or frustration at whatever situations I find myself in.
I wish I could ask. I wish I could talk. I wish I could find out the truth regarding some of my friends. I know I can't demand them to tell me the truth.. but an explanation as to why something other than the truth is uttered into my ears would suffice. but if one isn't willing to tell the truth, who says they're going to tell me the reason why they're not telling the truth? I may be weak, but I am strong enough to stand when faced with unfortunate news. let me be strong for once.. allow me to shoulder a burden or two. I wish I weren't so weak myself; it is depressing to have to rely on other people to shoulder my burdens so that I do not get crushed by it all.
"well, you are the one
the one who lies close to me
whispers, 'hello, I've missed you quite terribly,'
I fell in love,
in love with you suddenly
and there's no place else
I could be but here in your arms"
I would like for this incessant pain to go away.
I would like for this embarrassment from that ridiculous detention to eventually dissipate.
I would like to be normal for once.
of course, there is no such thing as "normal". but talking to someone on the bus today was quite enlightening. within people, there are differences in their placement on the spectrum: some people have it worse in some ways, but better in others. and in that spectrum it's very difficult to find a good balance between the two extremes. perhaps it may be good that I have freedom within my life, as well as the decision to choose; however, I am severely lacking in another factor that actually results in that freedom. in ways we may believe other people have it better.. but it may be worse. who are we to list these people on an organized chart, deprived of details? how can we assume that those we do not know are not suffering? life is not perfect; in our lives, nothing can reach the level of perfection. everyone will have their emotional scars, their own quirks.
I could run away from home and stay at a friend's house if I just told my parents where I was. sometimes, I've contemplated doing it, just to see if they would look for me. they would never find me. I really wonder if it's as doable as I make it seem.
I've been better at school. I feel better. though, a piece of me still clings to that negative side; the one that causes me distress and my so-called "emo aura". sometimes, it can't help but surface. but I do believe that I've gotten better at containing it. I can tell when it comes out.. when my voice goes quiet and low, inaudible even to myself. when my eyes droop from the lack of energy or frustration at whatever situations I find myself in.
I wish I could ask. I wish I could talk. I wish I could find out the truth regarding some of my friends. I know I can't demand them to tell me the truth.. but an explanation as to why something other than the truth is uttered into my ears would suffice. but if one isn't willing to tell the truth, who says they're going to tell me the reason why they're not telling the truth? I may be weak, but I am strong enough to stand when faced with unfortunate news. let me be strong for once.. allow me to shoulder a burden or two. I wish I weren't so weak myself; it is depressing to have to rely on other people to shoulder my burdens so that I do not get crushed by it all.
"well, you are the one
the one who lies close to me
whispers, 'hello, I've missed you quite terribly,'
I fell in love,
in love with you suddenly
and there's no place else
I could be but here in your arms"
Monday, January 19, 2009
turned my world around,
upside down..
I wish I could keep up,
understand the lies
you spoon-fed me--
what is the truth?
where does it exist?
goodness does not revel
in the murder
of an innocent soul.
I gave you everything;
the truth, my time,
my heart, my life;
why?
why did you have to lie?
why is the truth so difficult to convey?
why am I drowning, gasping for your lies,
to bring me up to shore?;
I only wanted to be your friend..
upside down..
I wish I could keep up,
understand the lies
you spoon-fed me--
what is the truth?
where does it exist?
goodness does not revel
in the murder
of an innocent soul.
I gave you everything;
the truth, my time,
my heart, my life;
why?
why did you have to lie?
why is the truth so difficult to convey?
why am I drowning, gasping for your lies,
to bring me up to shore?;
I only wanted to be your friend..
Friday, January 16, 2009
doing much, much better now.
a big "thank you!" to those who talked to me today. I WILL try harder. I WILL be better. even if it's only marginally so on Tuesday. just a few things to put down here that I have a feeling I will forget...
"a) get more sleep, b) be careful of what you say and do, c) rely on yourself for happiness"
"you need to push yourself a little to talk to me too; I can't be the only one talking in our conversations and I don't know what you want to talk about either"
"even though college will separate us, you'll meet new people.. we're not the only people on the planet, after all"
"dude, I know how you feel.. don't be discouraged by it, even the best of us are afflicted with it"
"I'll be there for you"
"think of yourself FIRST. your own sanity and well-being takes priority over everyone else's"
"the world revolves around you"
"I remember when [insert embarassing moment].. I know your frustration right now"
it feels so good to be close.. to have your hand on my shoulder, even if it's only for a few brief moments.. I won't doubt anymore.
homecoming was actually pretty awesome. the basketball games were intense, even though we didn't win in the end.. we have spirit! D + #! D + #! hehe. that bit of creativity made me laugh. (the pound sign is a fence)
I'm so wiped out right now. I just got home about two hours ago. spending 16 hours at school in one sitting can't be good for one's health. a subtle apathy took over me at school, but it gradually turned to a mild depression, then into, surprisingly, glee. even though I'm tired right now, I still feel a sense of giddiness from all that happened today.
speaking of health.. my leg joint is still bothering me. I can't walk properly. I really hope it gets better by the time track & field starts; it would really suck for me to start a sport with an injury incurred by, of all things, zero period P.E. I hope I don't have to use crutches.. I really don't want to use them.
in any case, I've been up for almost 22 hours now. it's time to go sleep. to those who are going to winter formal, enjoy your time there; to those who are not, make use of the free time and plan something fun!
a big "thank you!" to those who talked to me today. I WILL try harder. I WILL be better. even if it's only marginally so on Tuesday. just a few things to put down here that I have a feeling I will forget...
"a) get more sleep, b) be careful of what you say and do, c) rely on yourself for happiness"
"you need to push yourself a little to talk to me too; I can't be the only one talking in our conversations and I don't know what you want to talk about either"
"even though college will separate us, you'll meet new people.. we're not the only people on the planet, after all"
"dude, I know how you feel.. don't be discouraged by it, even the best of us are afflicted with it"
"I'll be there for you"
"think of yourself FIRST. your own sanity and well-being takes priority over everyone else's"
"the world revolves around you"
"I remember when [insert embarassing moment].. I know your frustration right now"
it feels so good to be close.. to have your hand on my shoulder, even if it's only for a few brief moments.. I won't doubt anymore.
homecoming was actually pretty awesome. the basketball games were intense, even though we didn't win in the end.. we have spirit! D + #! D + #! hehe. that bit of creativity made me laugh. (the pound sign is a fence)
I'm so wiped out right now. I just got home about two hours ago. spending 16 hours at school in one sitting can't be good for one's health. a subtle apathy took over me at school, but it gradually turned to a mild depression, then into, surprisingly, glee. even though I'm tired right now, I still feel a sense of giddiness from all that happened today.
speaking of health.. my leg joint is still bothering me. I can't walk properly. I really hope it gets better by the time track & field starts; it would really suck for me to start a sport with an injury incurred by, of all things, zero period P.E. I hope I don't have to use crutches.. I really don't want to use them.
in any case, I've been up for almost 22 hours now. it's time to go sleep. to those who are going to winter formal, enjoy your time there; to those who are not, make use of the free time and plan something fun!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
music.
a raucous sound
lingered in the air--
a dissonant chord clashed,
evoking tension.
the black bow glided jerkily,
moving, as if possessed,
striking four-note chords
that echoed throughout the night.
a cacophony of pitches
erupted from the resonating chamber,
fueled by its player's anxiety.
piercing and projecting--
the animals barked in commiseration with it,
sharing in the outpouring, the agony
that so consumed life itself.
lingered in the air--
a dissonant chord clashed,
evoking tension.
the black bow glided jerkily,
moving, as if possessed,
striking four-note chords
that echoed throughout the night.
a cacophony of pitches
erupted from the resonating chamber,
fueled by its player's anxiety.
piercing and projecting--
the animals barked in commiseration with it,
sharing in the outpouring, the agony
that so consumed life itself.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
so empty.
so unhappy.. what happened to me? I thought things were getting better, but I guess I was wrong.
maybe this is the result of me trying to distance myself from my friends and not caring when I do.
I don't want to do this anymore. it hurts too much. it's not worth it.
I want to talk to you again.. like we used to. I know it's selfish of me, but I really can't stand doing this anymore. the silence, the confused look on your face, the lack of expression on my own.. what happened to us? I really wonder if we're still friends. sometimes you surprise me with your actions, but I can't help but feel that they're done just to make me feel better.. I feel like we're not close. like we're not friends. your decision to talk to other people, rather than me, hurts..
I don't think I'm too selfish in wanting to talk to you every once in a while. but, when you choose to talk to others that you're around more often, in favor of me, when we're all there.. it hurts. when it happens everyday, for up to a week at a time, I think I did something wrong.. the jealousy, the pain, the uncertainty of whether or not we're even friends; it hurts so much. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep telling myself that things will be alright, because they aren't.
the only thing I ask of you is to talk to me more.. maybe I can tell you all of this myself. or maybe you'll find this blog and discover how much I miss you and that what we're doing right now isn't going to work for me..
so unhappy.. what happened to me? I thought things were getting better, but I guess I was wrong.
maybe this is the result of me trying to distance myself from my friends and not caring when I do.
I don't want to do this anymore. it hurts too much. it's not worth it.
I want to talk to you again.. like we used to. I know it's selfish of me, but I really can't stand doing this anymore. the silence, the confused look on your face, the lack of expression on my own.. what happened to us? I really wonder if we're still friends. sometimes you surprise me with your actions, but I can't help but feel that they're done just to make me feel better.. I feel like we're not close. like we're not friends. your decision to talk to other people, rather than me, hurts..
I don't think I'm too selfish in wanting to talk to you every once in a while. but, when you choose to talk to others that you're around more often, in favor of me, when we're all there.. it hurts. when it happens everyday, for up to a week at a time, I think I did something wrong.. the jealousy, the pain, the uncertainty of whether or not we're even friends; it hurts so much. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep telling myself that things will be alright, because they aren't.
the only thing I ask of you is to talk to me more.. maybe I can tell you all of this myself. or maybe you'll find this blog and discover how much I miss you and that what we're doing right now isn't going to work for me..
Sunday, January 11, 2009
always thinking about you.
"when the sun shines, we'll shine together,
told you I'll be here forever,
said I'll always be your friend,
took an oath, I'mma stick it out to the end"
[sometimes, I can't help but wonder.. if those words you spoke that day were true..]
"now that it's raining more than ever,
know that we still have each other,
you can stand under my umbrella,
you can stand under my umbrella.."
[do we really? I still feel that aching pain; that friendship in the past that caused me anguish.. is that preventing me from trusting people? from believing that they are there for me? is it so hard for me to believe that you're my friend? that you'll be there for me? that despite what I believe, you're there for me..?]
"these fancy things,
will never come in between,
you're part of my entity,
here for infinity..."
[I wonder if we'll still be friends.. if you'll still be there for me.. when we're no longer a part of each other's lives.. when you'll be off somewhere else.. I wonder how our friendship will stand the test of time and space..]
"and when the war has took its part,
when the world has dealt its cards,
if the hand is hard,
together we'll mend your heart..."
[I question the validity of this.. though, you've disproved me before. all I can do, it seems, is to let you work your magic.. I really hope you do; otherwise, I don't know what I'll do..]
「umbrella」 // scott simons
told you I'll be here forever,
said I'll always be your friend,
took an oath, I'mma stick it out to the end"
[sometimes, I can't help but wonder.. if those words you spoke that day were true..]
"now that it's raining more than ever,
know that we still have each other,
you can stand under my umbrella,
you can stand under my umbrella.."
[do we really? I still feel that aching pain; that friendship in the past that caused me anguish.. is that preventing me from trusting people? from believing that they are there for me? is it so hard for me to believe that you're my friend? that you'll be there for me? that despite what I believe, you're there for me..?]
"these fancy things,
will never come in between,
you're part of my entity,
here for infinity..."
[I wonder if we'll still be friends.. if you'll still be there for me.. when we're no longer a part of each other's lives.. when you'll be off somewhere else.. I wonder how our friendship will stand the test of time and space..]
"and when the war has took its part,
when the world has dealt its cards,
if the hand is hard,
together we'll mend your heart..."
[I question the validity of this.. though, you've disproved me before. all I can do, it seems, is to let you work your magic.. I really hope you do; otherwise, I don't know what I'll do..]
「umbrella」 // scott simons
Saturday, January 10, 2009
gekkou - chihiro onitsuka
I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...
My stride succumbs to a sudden gust of wind
It seems like I’ll fall any moment
But these chains won’t allow it
Having surrendered up my heart to you
My feelings for you now lay scattered about
I still don’t know how to pick them up
I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...
Talk more about your ‘reasons’
Until I fall asleep
I’m swathed in medicine that doesn’t work
Here, there is no sound,
What should I believe in?
I am GOD’S CHILD
These sounds of anguish leave scars on my back
I can’t hang out this world
It’s my only thought: I have no place anywhere
Discomfort, a bitterly cold wall,
What will the next thing to weaken me?
Don’t reach out your hand, even at the end
You, of all people, will rescue me
From the silence
Time will speed the pain
I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...
I am GOD’S CHILD
These sounds of anguish leave scars on my back
I can’t hang out this world
It’s my only thought
I have no place anywhere
[gekkou] // -chihiro onitsuka
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...
My stride succumbs to a sudden gust of wind
It seems like I’ll fall any moment
But these chains won’t allow it
Having surrendered up my heart to you
My feelings for you now lay scattered about
I still don’t know how to pick them up
I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...
Talk more about your ‘reasons’
Until I fall asleep
I’m swathed in medicine that doesn’t work
Here, there is no sound,
What should I believe in?
I am GOD’S CHILD
These sounds of anguish leave scars on my back
I can’t hang out this world
It’s my only thought: I have no place anywhere
Discomfort, a bitterly cold wall,
What will the next thing to weaken me?
Don’t reach out your hand, even at the end
You, of all people, will rescue me
From the silence
Time will speed the pain
I am GOD’S CHILD
Set down upon this decayed Earth
How do I live on such a field?
This isn’t why I was born...
I am GOD’S CHILD
These sounds of anguish leave scars on my back
I can’t hang out this world
It’s my only thought
I have no place anywhere
[gekkou] // -chihiro onitsuka
a life.
uncharacteristically cold. lonely. full of regrets and wishes for happiness.
what is happiness? a state of mind that is impossible to attain? having one's dreams and desires fulfilled?
what are "dreams"? those faint recollections of a happily-ever-after? a fluttering wisp from childhood?
adolescence. our time of innocence. oh, how I wish I had mine. how I long to have ever had a period in my life where dreams were conceivable, where hopes weren't just empty wishes..
my parents had no time to read to me. I had no friends. my only solace was in books of grandeur and adventure, in places where everything was exposed. thereafter I grew enamored with the hideous filth we call the internet, a truly atrocious creation that only served to further augment my descent to hell.
I wonder if things would be different if my parents cared more about me and were more cautious of my growth and activities.
(on a side note, I got a hair cut.)
uncharacteristically cold. lonely. full of regrets and wishes for happiness.
what is happiness? a state of mind that is impossible to attain? having one's dreams and desires fulfilled?
what are "dreams"? those faint recollections of a happily-ever-after? a fluttering wisp from childhood?
adolescence. our time of innocence. oh, how I wish I had mine. how I long to have ever had a period in my life where dreams were conceivable, where hopes weren't just empty wishes..
my parents had no time to read to me. I had no friends. my only solace was in books of grandeur and adventure, in places where everything was exposed. thereafter I grew enamored with the hideous filth we call the internet, a truly atrocious creation that only served to further augment my descent to hell.
I wonder if things would be different if my parents cared more about me and were more cautious of my growth and activities.
(on a side note, I got a hair cut.)
Friday, January 9, 2009
I wonder..
sometimes, I wonder if it's social norms that prevent me from doing the things I'd like to do.
sometimes I get so scared, so self-conscious, when I simply want to talk to someone.. but I'm afraid that people will misconstrue it as something other than friendship, or that they'll start bothering that person afterwards.
then again, it might just be my own sense of self-consciousness that prevents me from having the courage to doing something as simple as saying hello, or giving a friend a hug.
I realized only a few days ago that, despite my own desire to receive hugs and/or talk to people, I feel like I'll bother the other party if I talk to them or do something as physical as a hug. perhaps they feel the same way, so maybe they reciprocate that feeling.
I wish I wasn't so alone. I feel terrible every time in P.E. when almost everyone else has a friend/a group of friends that they talk to, and when I'm alone.. an hour of solitude everyday, watching people fool around with their friends. and every AP Euro period, I feel really alone.. it doesn't help that I'm nearly failing that class. what is it that makes fate want to make my life so difficult? do I really deserve all of this? my only solace is in a new friend, as well as a hope that, quite honestly, I have nearly no hope left that it will happen.
how will I ask them? it's such a weird thing to ask for.. not to mention, it'll make them feel awkward.. I wish my aversion to the people closest to me would just go away. I can't stand it anymore.
sometimes I get so scared, so self-conscious, when I simply want to talk to someone.. but I'm afraid that people will misconstrue it as something other than friendship, or that they'll start bothering that person afterwards.
then again, it might just be my own sense of self-consciousness that prevents me from having the courage to doing something as simple as saying hello, or giving a friend a hug.
I realized only a few days ago that, despite my own desire to receive hugs and/or talk to people, I feel like I'll bother the other party if I talk to them or do something as physical as a hug. perhaps they feel the same way, so maybe they reciprocate that feeling.
I wish I wasn't so alone. I feel terrible every time in P.E. when almost everyone else has a friend/a group of friends that they talk to, and when I'm alone.. an hour of solitude everyday, watching people fool around with their friends. and every AP Euro period, I feel really alone.. it doesn't help that I'm nearly failing that class. what is it that makes fate want to make my life so difficult? do I really deserve all of this? my only solace is in a new friend, as well as a hope that, quite honestly, I have nearly no hope left that it will happen.
how will I ask them? it's such a weird thing to ask for.. not to mention, it'll make them feel awkward.. I wish my aversion to the people closest to me would just go away. I can't stand it anymore.
Monday, January 5, 2009
actually..
I think I do have a chance. if they don't mind me calling every few days. I can live with just talking. that's enough to keep me happy.
--
people say our school submits us to an incredibly demanding curriculum, but I don't think so. perhaps it's my lax view on grades (i.e. "C in euro? meh, oh well. B+ in English? oh well. B+ in Alg II/Trig? sucks for me."), but I feel that some people are placing a disturbing amount of significance on a letter on our transcripts that will only slightly impact our future.
perhaps it's because I've given up on trying, but I'm flying by with nearly a 4.0.
I don't know if it's actual intelligence that's getting me by right now, or if it's dumb luck. most people would kill to be in my position right now; to have "such good grades" and "be so smart" or "be good at music" without ever trying. it's not as if this doesn't come without its costs, though. my level as a musician has only been achieved through hours and hours of dedication by the means of practice. not to mention, if I AM smart, well, personally, that's just asking for more trouble. I don't know how my mind compares to a normal person's, but I seem to be afflicted with more problems than the average human being. most being mental.
college seems so far away, but it's speeding towards us, faster than we think.. where are we going? what do we want to do? and where will we end up, seven years from now, when we graduate college and leave behind the academic world? what kind of careers will we have? which friends will be the ones to stay with us during this lifelong journey?
time is the only answer to all of these questions. and it's unstoppable.
--
people say our school submits us to an incredibly demanding curriculum, but I don't think so. perhaps it's my lax view on grades (i.e. "C in euro? meh, oh well. B+ in English? oh well. B+ in Alg II/Trig? sucks for me."), but I feel that some people are placing a disturbing amount of significance on a letter on our transcripts that will only slightly impact our future.
perhaps it's because I've given up on trying, but I'm flying by with nearly a 4.0.
I don't know if it's actual intelligence that's getting me by right now, or if it's dumb luck. most people would kill to be in my position right now; to have "such good grades" and "be so smart" or "be good at music" without ever trying. it's not as if this doesn't come without its costs, though. my level as a musician has only been achieved through hours and hours of dedication by the means of practice. not to mention, if I AM smart, well, personally, that's just asking for more trouble. I don't know how my mind compares to a normal person's, but I seem to be afflicted with more problems than the average human being. most being mental.
college seems so far away, but it's speeding towards us, faster than we think.. where are we going? what do we want to do? and where will we end up, seven years from now, when we graduate college and leave behind the academic world? what kind of careers will we have? which friends will be the ones to stay with us during this lifelong journey?
time is the only answer to all of these questions. and it's unstoppable.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I think the best plan of action right now is to start steeling myself for the inevitable.
the other party suggested it.
and hey, with six months of preparation, maybe it won't be as much of a failure as all the other attempts. in any case, it'll be a one-shot thing. either I'm ready by then.. or I'm not. if I am, well, things should progress smoothly, and life will go on. if I'm not, which is most likely going to happen, I'm going to be a nervous wreck for a while. and I'll most likely do a lot of stupid things.
wish me luck. I guess we'll see if I'm 'still alive' seven months from now. (yay Portal.)
the other party suggested it.
and hey, with six months of preparation, maybe it won't be as much of a failure as all the other attempts. in any case, it'll be a one-shot thing. either I'm ready by then.. or I'm not. if I am, well, things should progress smoothly, and life will go on. if I'm not, which is most likely going to happen, I'm going to be a nervous wreck for a while. and I'll most likely do a lot of stupid things.
wish me luck. I guess we'll see if I'm 'still alive' seven months from now. (yay Portal.)
Saturday, January 3, 2009
after waking up at 3PM, I realized that it will be extremely difficult for me to move on. when this school year's done and over with, I may end up with even more problems than I started with.
I hope I can come to terms with everything happening.. if not, boy, I'm in trouble. God help me when June comes.
--
on a totally unrelated note..
[20:40] m0535x0h: lets rephrase the question: would u bang a puppy or a dead person?
[20:41] xephyre: what would YOU do?
[20:41] m0535x0h: uhm..
[20:41] m0535x0h: both?
[20:41] m0535x0h: i did not just say that..
I hope I can come to terms with everything happening.. if not, boy, I'm in trouble. God help me when June comes.
--
on a totally unrelated note..
[20:40] m0535x0h: lets rephrase the question: would u bang a puppy or a dead person?
[20:41] xephyre: what would YOU do?
[20:41] m0535x0h: uhm..
[20:41] m0535x0h: both?
[20:41] m0535x0h: i did not just say that..
Friday, January 2, 2009
last year, I fell into a lot of nasty predicaments.
last year, I stayed up all night with a friend.
last year, I had my heart broken.
last year, someone mended my heart.
last year, I attempted suicide.
last year, I became a Christian.
last year, I made good friends with a lot of seniors.
last year, I cried on the phone with a friend.
last year, I told someone important "I love you,"
last year, I coped with suicidal thoughts and depression.
last year, I admitted my dirty secret.
last year, I splurged well over $3,000 on cello-related purchases.
last year, I received an "I love you" from an important person. or more accurately, "of course I love you!"
last year, I had crushes on more than ten people at once.
last year, I made people happy.
last year, I wanted to run away from home.
last year, I walked in the night.
last year, I received love and affection from friends who are important to me.
last year, I pissed off a friend.
last year, I gave up on my future.
last year, I broke promises.
last year, I stayed afterschool til 11PM.
last year, I held a birthday party for myself.
last year, I brought drugs to school.
last year, I fantasized about the future.
last year, I had my dreams crushed.
last year, I was frustrated at California.
last year, I became a facebook addict.
last year, I hugged someone I loved.
last year, I (briefly) slept with someone in the same bed.
last year, I saw the importance of friends.
last year, I received a stuffed animal from an important person.
last year, I suffered the pain of unrequited love.
last year, I doubted my friends.
last year, I became obsessed with someone.
last year, I received one-thousand cranes (but unfortunately the wish didn't come with it.)
goodbye, 2008. I'll miss you.
now to embrace the new year, and all that it has to offer..
last year, I stayed up all night with a friend.
last year, I had my heart broken.
last year, someone mended my heart.
last year, I attempted suicide.
last year, I became a Christian.
last year, I made good friends with a lot of seniors.
last year, I cried on the phone with a friend.
last year, I told someone important "I love you,"
last year, I coped with suicidal thoughts and depression.
last year, I admitted my dirty secret.
last year, I splurged well over $3,000 on cello-related purchases.
last year, I received an "I love you" from an important person. or more accurately, "of course I love you!"
last year, I had crushes on more than ten people at once.
last year, I made people happy.
last year, I wanted to run away from home.
last year, I walked in the night.
last year, I received love and affection from friends who are important to me.
last year, I pissed off a friend.
last year, I gave up on my future.
last year, I broke promises.
last year, I stayed afterschool til 11PM.
last year, I held a birthday party for myself.
last year, I brought drugs to school.
last year, I fantasized about the future.
last year, I had my dreams crushed.
last year, I was frustrated at California.
last year, I became a facebook addict.
last year, I hugged someone I loved.
last year, I (briefly) slept with someone in the same bed.
last year, I saw the importance of friends.
last year, I received a stuffed animal from an important person.
last year, I suffered the pain of unrequited love.
last year, I doubted my friends.
last year, I became obsessed with someone.
last year, I received one-thousand cranes (but unfortunately the wish didn't come with it.)
goodbye, 2008. I'll miss you.
now to embrace the new year, and all that it has to offer..
irony.
a festive time, winter break.
so many holidays occur during this brief, two week reprieve from the incessant drivel we have to deal with at school. and yet, I find myself growing weary of this. of course, celebrations and such are nice, but they're nothing in comparison to the warmth and reliability of friends at school.
what did I just say?
despite my own lack of motivation in school work, school seems to be the only consistent place I have to turn to when it comes to friends or fun. despite sucking a staggering 60 hours out of each 168 hour week (not including homework), I find it incredibly fun to go to. had I stayed home instead of at school, life would be incredibly dull. not to mention, I would miss my all-too-precious friends.
I'm glad school is starting in three days.
on a happier note, the past two days have been eventful. a spectacular birthday, if I do say so myself. and a new year eve/day that I spent at church. it was so exhilarating to see everyone again. and now, I find myself wanting more; to hang out with my friends, to talk to those who are important to me.
thank goodness school starts soon. I can't stand another week of this.
so many holidays occur during this brief, two week reprieve from the incessant drivel we have to deal with at school. and yet, I find myself growing weary of this. of course, celebrations and such are nice, but they're nothing in comparison to the warmth and reliability of friends at school.
what did I just say?
despite my own lack of motivation in school work, school seems to be the only consistent place I have to turn to when it comes to friends or fun. despite sucking a staggering 60 hours out of each 168 hour week (not including homework), I find it incredibly fun to go to. had I stayed home instead of at school, life would be incredibly dull. not to mention, I would miss my all-too-precious friends.
I'm glad school is starting in three days.
on a happier note, the past two days have been eventful. a spectacular birthday, if I do say so myself. and a new year eve/day that I spent at church. it was so exhilarating to see everyone again. and now, I find myself wanting more; to hang out with my friends, to talk to those who are important to me.
thank goodness school starts soon. I can't stand another week of this.
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