Mood.

It is fascinating how such vast differences exist between bad and good moods. It may simply be ignorance on my part, but coming to the realization that I am capable of having fun just blew my mind away.

I'm glad I'm in a good mood now. I hope it lasts.

Rain.

The pitter-patter of rain on my windows calms me. It distracts me from the inevitable silence, and yet, doesn't tear my attention away from any deep thoughts I'm having. Cold nights, warm blankets; I find myself seeking comfort in hugging inanimate objects, either pretending that they are something or someone else, or that they something or someone I have yet to meet or experience. It's a pleasing thought; to feel as if I'm not so alone. The constancy of rain is great.

Though I still wish I were more capable. It's not too late for that.. but do I really want to trust more in people? What will I have to gain? Unshed tears? What purpose is there in trusting people again? All I've gotten is a mouthful of "fuck off"s or "go away"s; of course, they were much more politely stated, but the same general idea is there.

Meh. I don't know. I just want to trust people and not feel quite so insecure about myself. Maybe I'm only living for my own selfish needs after all. But hey, I do things for others; not for my sake, but for their's.

What Can I Say?

Failure looms overhead; its inevitability spoils the beginnings of each "new day." We attempt to dissuade ourselves otherwise with optimism, but stray thoughts of negativity destroy the facade we create for ourselves and for others around us.

We choose to believe in people, society, or even humanity. But at what cost? When we choose to believe and our beliefs of "they'll be there for me" or "I do matter" are shattered by reality, our levels of faith diminish significantly. Faith, faith; what is 'faith'? Is it believing in other people? In God? Can someone who has grown up alone, in plain solitude, develop the necessary attitude and mindset to become more sociable?

A single person cannot live alone. I know this. But depending on the goodwill of others for comfort and friendship and generic happiness only leads to more frustration, which begets hatred and gives birth to personal demons.

The realm of the living is really just hell itself.

Lost.

I blankly stared at my surroundings. At a certain person. At all the beautiful people on the USC campus. At the squirrel as it dashed up a tree.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do or think anymore. Every glimmer of hope that I hold onto gets torn into shreds.

I would hope that I don't find myself lost in a void anytime soon. A shame it would be to lose my life this early, but my insane expectations of others coupled with my own lack of self-esteem create an environment where impossibilities like death become feasible.

I wish something would deliver sweet justice to me already. A car accident, poisoned food, destructive drugs.. Something. Anything. I just don't want to be consumed by my own irrational fears.

Of Our Own Volition.

As humans, it's only natural for us to desire respect and common courtesy from others; in fact, sometimes we desire more than just mere respect and courtesy.

A nod of acknowledgement. Someone to cheer us up. Friendships.

But what happens when we demand something from someone incapable of providing what we crave? We delude ourselves into believing that the other person is willing-- no, impatient even-- to relieve us of our unspoken desires.

We set ourselves up for the next fall in our lives. Our sense of judgment becomes skewed; we trick ourselves into believing something that isn't true, couldn't possibly come true, and will always remain in the world of fantasy.

Founded upon on the basis of abstract concepts like "kindness" and "love", the initial conception of these thoughts begins with an act. An act that we believe to be done out of the goodness of someone's heart. These thoughts soon multiply and fester, until reality pops them with its sharp points.

Asking for someone to do something for you doesn't give you the same sense of satisfaction or surprise as them doing it of their own volition. Surprises, after all, are what make our lives worth living. To know that not every day will be the same; that element of surprise keeps us coming for more.

--

Yet, I can't shake the feeling that many of my friendships would fail. No, not because I'm unfriendly, but because the other parties lack the initiative. I want to tell myself that if these people aren't willing to maintain with me, as opposed to letting me run it, then they're not worth being friends with me.

However, these are people that I treasure. But maybe they don't value our friendship that much. Maybe they don't really want to be friends with me. Maybe they don't want to exert the effort to maintain our friendship.

Are these people worth it..? When you go for weeks and months without talking to them, yet you still long to have them at your side..

".. act of your own volition, not another person's.."

Ramblings.

The talent show went quite well. Though, I think they should reconsider the name of it.. In my eyes, it seems to be a glorified choir show, composed of bands and ensembles that work together. Despite that, the people in it are quite talented.. The 7th grade pianist has skills that surpass anything I've ever heard of in my life; he intimidates me. Not only his skill, though.

I'm scared for his social life, his future career, and his own family life. When someone is blessed with such a talent, it's natural for parents to fawn over that specific talent.. But I wonder if his parents forced him to get to such a high level of performance. I wonder if his talents are loved, as opposed to him as a person. It would be quite sad if his parents valued him only for his prodigious skill at playing the piano. Not to mention, if he reached that level when he's a 7th grader.. How much time and effort was put into his training? It must have taken hours upon hours of concentrated effort; I can't imagine how much he practiced to get to that level. However, I have a feeling that it was not entirely of his volition, to reach that level.

As children, we often do as we are told. But knowing the strict guidelines that Asian parents often impose upon their children, I think it's safe to assume that his parents pressured him to practice to get to that level.

As regular people, we tend to be attracted to other people for certain reasons. Whether it be their physical appearance, their skills and abilities, or their personality, there is always something that causes that initial spark of attraction. This begs the question: where would we be without our own interests and preferences? How would we have friends without this?

Although it is a necessity for our interests to exist, that necessity has so many cons that its pros are almost nullified. We live our lives, around the people we consider 'friends'... But what is a friend? Someone who will talk to you when you're down? A person that you simply know the name of?

How do you know when you "know" someone? How do you know when someone is willing to be there for you? When they're unwilling to talk to you, does that make them not your friend? Where are the lines blurred in terms of friendships and acquaintances?

Moreover.. What is a "best friend"? Someone that you can talk to about your deepest secrets? Someone that won't judge you? Someone that can nourish your life, and vice versa?

I feel terrible when I see someone that I know, and I feel embarrassed to say hi to them. I see countless people that I 'know' throughout school, and I'd like to say hi to them or engage in conversation with them.. But this nagging feeling inside me tells me that they wouldn't want to say hi back. Or that they would be indifferent towards it, and ignore it. My lack of a projecting voice and shyness don't help, either.

I want to know so much.. There's not enough time. I lack the determination and motivation to seek the answers to these question. I remain at a standstill with many friendships; in fact, the majority of them have disintegrated to the point of nonexistence. There is no underlying foundation between us anymore; we're strangers now.

I wish I could be there for someone. To feel like I'm important, or relied on. After all, one of the natural human desires is to be cared for.. When someone opens up to me, it makes me feel accomplished: that I was trustworthy enough for that person to tell me something that they deemed important.

I've opened up to many people in the past few weeks. Whether or not that was a good choice, I will find out soon.. Though, I find it depressing that something like someone's secret can be so easily thrown around by people who don't even know the person in question. Like, so-and-so lost their virginity, this group of people do drugs, et cetera.

I would fear that happening to me, but it's happened already. I'm gonna have a great time dealing with that.

Some days.

Some days just leave you breathless.

The way they turn out.. Utter perfection, all through chance.

I look forward to another day like yesterday. =)

It's okay.

It's okay to be scared.

It's okay to be myself.

It's okay to stress out.

It's okay to talk to my friends.

It's okay to want to be with my friends.

... or is it?

Irrational fears seize control and throw my mind into a state of chaos.

No, you're not allowed to do that. No, you can't say hi. Shut up. Listen to your fears; they're there for a reason. They're to prevent you from messing up again. They exist to prevent another mistake.

"But.. What if these fears are unsubstantiated?"

Doesn't matter. They're there. Follow them. No exceptions.

".. but.."

Shut up, imbecile. Listen to me -- the one that's telling you what to do. You have no control over yourself, so I'm going to have to be in charge here.

"Just because I'm weak doesn't mean I'm as submissive as you think I am."

I am you. Look at you, talking to yourself-- albeit, a different persona of yourself. But look! You're talking to yourself. You're admitting that you have multiple entities within that one body. And who gets to control the body? I think I'll be taking that place, thanks.

"Isn't it natural for us to show different aspects of ourselves towards different people, or in different situations? Why must you seize control forever? Why can't you just die or go away?"

Because I am you. And you are me. We are one entity, but expressed differently at different times. These seven 'deadly' sins of humanity -- envy, gluttony, lust, sloth, wrath, pride, greed -- their varying levels in our behavior or thoughts dictate our different personas. Your lustful intentions prevent you from nearing your friends, and so you shrink away from them. You fear their wrath if your responses are not well-received; you feel a blow to your pride when you are not acknowledged. You envy their talents and friends; you're gluttonous for the level of closeness which they have achieved with their friends. You desire their attention, but have not the will to gain it.

"So what..? What can you do about it, then?"

I express different traits from you. I can change this. All you have to do is let me take over.. You see, I lack the weaknesses of most humankind; I can detach myself from my emotions, and do what is necessary for you. Emotions are worthless; they simply drag you down, and make you vulnerable for pain and suffering.

".. And what is this necessary act?"

You know what it is. Don't try to deny it. You've just been afraid to admit to yourself that the void is a better place. You've made excuses that your friends will worry about you when you're gone, but I can see through that. You're just a coward who can't think or act for himself, who is scared of judgment.

When I take over, I'll take care of everything. I'll make sure you never face these miseries again. And then you won't have to put up with anything anymore.. And no one will have to put up with you either. Isn't that so nice? It's a win-win situation. C'mon. You know you want to take it.

"..."

Mr. Ontiveros.

You have my utmost respect.

You were an amazing teacher to me; one of the best I've ever had.

It's likely that you'll never see this..

But, I wanted to thank you for being such a positive role model in my life.

And I wanted to say that even if you are found guilty, I'll still respect you the same way I did before.

I was a victim of temptation. I did something that I wasn't supposed to do; I gave in to my carnal urges, and committed a foul act that you are currently being accused of. Am I in jail? No.

Does that make us on equal terms? No. Can I understand the pain? No.

But I do wish that your life isn't ruined because of this... The court proceedings may start in three months, but this will be an agonizing three months.

Your students know of your love to teach. You were a joy in the classroom.. A true enigma. A one-of-a-kind person that aided so many students in their growth at Oxford. And I'm sad to admit that you may never have that opportunity again after all this.

It makes me so sad that such a huge contributor to our school and society is being attacked with no evidence to back the attacks.

It makes me want to cry that Mr. O, such a respected person on campus, would be accused of this... Who did it? That's inconsequential at this point. But what I do know is that this will negatively impact his life. He will likely not be able to teach at OA anymore, he will likely not be able to teach at ALL, which is just an intense blow to the teaching community.. And to himself. Teaching was his joy. His family was his life and love. Without either of these.. Mr. O...

Oxford is here for you, Mr. Ontiveros. No matter what happens; even if you are guilty of your alleged crimes, Oxford will stand by your back, and support you. We all know you are capable of so much more; a simple mistake should not deter you from your life's love and passions.

We love you, Mr. O. And we're going to fight for your sake. It doesn't matter if you're guilty or innocent; either way, I will offer my support.

News Article.

Journalism can be so brutal.

But I guess those journalists are just doing their jobs.

It's one thing to report on a story.. But to criminalize a teacher that an entire school respects for sexual assault, and sensationalize it into "it happened at the #1 school in the county!" is uncalled for.

I have no respect left for journalism. It disgusts me, along with those incapable of keeping their own thoughts to themselves. I wonder why I felt disappointed for not making it into Gamut.

The allegations may be true, but they may also not be true. All we can do is hope that we have not lost one of the most respectable teachers of our time.

Onset of depression..

Flu.

Never have I taken my health for granted so much.

It's kind of funny. Before, I was all depressed and unable to be happy.. Now, I'm actually looking forward to some aspects of life, and being hopeful for once.

But when things seemed to be turning around, I got really sick.

I have no clue what I have, but I do know that it's very unpleasant. Violent coughs leave me gasping for air, causing full-body spasms.. Gagging every couple of coughs, food stays undigested and I remain malnourished.

Yet, the strangest thing is, I'm just looking forward to getting better. I just want to see my friends again.. And not have to deal with a mountain of make-up work that I'll have.

I'm hoping for that small chance again... For when I can talk to you, and maybe be held in your warm embrace. That speck of hope you gave me is growing into a ray of light.

I won't expect anymore from you.

I wonder..

if the past two days accurately define 'happiness'.

If that's true.. Then life is worth living.

Beware of grapes.

"Her expression changed then, becoming fearful rather than merely pained. It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape."

--[When You Are Engulfed By Flames] // david sedaris

Anonymous.

You made my day so much better. All it took was a little initiative from me to get it going.

I could never thank you enough. But I'm sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable. Physical intimacy is nice, but I thought I could repress my urges in it. But, even though I was unable to today, that is precisely what made it better.

Being carefree, not caring what other people think.. Just being with the people I love, and spending a great time at the beach with them.

Sorry, anonymous, that you seem to be a victim of mine a lot. I really did try to sever my ties with you for a while, but I knew it wouldn't work. We're still close friends, even though we see each other once in a blue moon, and talk even less. But when we talk, I feel the emotion pouring out of you.. I can see that you trust me enough to talk about what's on your mind with me, provided that we're around each other. I still wish to get to the point where it isn't a spontaneous thing, but rather something that you'd like to do on your own spare time. Maybe you just don't do that kind of thing, but if you did, it would make me immensely happy.

Here's to drawing penises and breasts on Jonathan Okada, and attacking pidgeons with a wooden stick and granola bars. Thanks, Ben and Jon. I wish I were closer to you guys.

Sarcasm post.

I remember reading this a while back, but someone on GMH posted it on a GMH that I recently read. It still gives me laughs.

--

Gay marriage:

1) Being gay is not natural. People always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Briteny Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed. 6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans...\

Religion.

Going to Torrance to visit Aaron was really fun. I met a lot of new people, saw a performance at the Colburn Conservatory of Music, and generally just had a great time.

Though, having fun doesn't necessarily imply that life situations and demands are easing.

Going out this past weekend reminded me of my severe lack of openness around new people, as well as my own lack of faith.

Faith is that just that, faith; a strong belief in that which we do not see.

Because to my non-Christian upbringing, I have never been inclined to believe in anything remotely religious. I always thought that were was some kind of deity among us; something greater that we cannot understand. I started to interpret this being as the God that I wish to be closer to now. Yet, with my preconceptions of what that deity was, it is difficult for me to follow the Christian lifestyle now, and to be Christian.

All this time, I've done good things because I wanted to be good to other people. It wasn't because God told me or because some religious foundation told me to. Thus, I think it to be a waste of time to call religion a reason to exist for its moral standards. Although it may provide us with a set of morals that we should follow and obey, it doesn't build those moral standards. My own were formulated from what I believed to be right, and I think that I have done a good job in both creating that mindset, as well as enacting it.

I don't know what I believe anymore, but this weekend makes me question my own religious integrity. I just take things as they come; I don't openly preach the gospel, for I believe it to be a collection of writings that we take, by faith, to be commanded by God to be written. The room for human error, however, causes me to not take the Bible seriously; sure, it may be referred to as the Holy Scripture, but humans are the ones who wrote it. And as creatures acting only in their own self-interest, who are we to assume that whoever wrote the Gospel didn't fudge up or change things to fit their own personal agendas?

This one aspect of Christianity keeps me from coming closer to it. I really do want to seek God.. but will it be at the cost of my own beliefs and mindset? Maybe change will be good. But maybe I won't be the same person after all of this.

Dreams.

Why does my body haunt me even in my sleep? Now I can't even close my eyes or think in fear of what I dreamt of.

Why is friendship so hard? Why must I keep blurring the lines? Why do I so badly seek someone's touch?

It makes me want to not go to the beach on Monday. Fear. Sigh..

earthly desires.

I long for a person that I love (not like or lust for). Someone to be my personal teddy bear. I wonder why it's so hard to ask people for a hug sometimes.

--

I desire money. I'm greedy -- everything I'm doing is either in the pursuit of money, or in the pursuit of fulfilling my greedy desires.

A part of me likes showing off this new toy. This electric cello. It brings me happiness; I can practice late into the night now (I just finished practicing; altogether, I've played perhaps six or seven hours today). It's a new thing to say; "Hey, guess what? I have an electric cello! ^_^". Something really eventful.

But a part of me sees it as something negative.. Namely, this aspect of myself that continually says, "Hey guess what, I got an electric cello!" in most conversations. I guess I feel like a show off? Or like I'm gloating about obtaining my newest possession.

Don't get me wrong. I really do love it. Really.. It sounds amazing. I haven't touched my acoustic cello ever since getting it. But now that I have it, there's so many more things that I want to go with it. An amp, effect pedals, EQ things, pre-amps.. There's so much in the world of electronic instruments that are nice, but not quite a necessity.

For at least a year or two, I have been saving up money for this purchase. From $0 to $750 in two years. It has been, without a doubt, one of the best decisions in my life; I really love this instrument. It sounds... glorious, for lack of a better way to say it. It has lived up to my expectations, and so much more; I love what it has enabled me to do.

I can now share my music, how I truly sound, with my friends.

I hope I don't come off as pompous and "yes I'm all that", but I like chatting with people on AIM and playing music for them in voice chats. It's really fun.. And it makes me feel better about myself. I don't know about those that haven't heard it already, but the general consensus amongst those who have is that it's pretty damn pro.

All I need is a personal teddy bear to hug and cuddle, and I'll be satisfied. Hopefully?

People to note that have made this week awesome:

-Philip (for having cool hair and letting me hang out with him on Friday)

-Taemin (for being t3h k00l k1d)

-Julie (for talking to me late into the night and linking me to websites to play awesome sauce music from)

-Aaron (for texting me and making my day better with a spontaneous conversation)

-Lauren (for driving me home when it was 100 degrees Fahrenheit)

-Claire (for singing Hellogoodbye songs with me in English)

desires.

can I have your friendship? a sign that you care? the undying love you show towards others?

nah.. I'm not the one. I never was, and I never will be.

I wish I wouldn't get ahead of myself. having unsatisfied expectations is not good.

--

I wish I could apologize to you, Shannen, and redeem myself. I wish I could ask you in person why you're colder now than you were before. why we're not really friends anymore..?

I regret the decisions I've made. and I'm doing something now to correct what you told me was wrong.. but it's not working, is it?

I'll talk to you about it. eventually. when we're not so emotionally stressed. in the meantime, I'll take my just punishment.

music.

from the player to the instrument, a player's emotions and technique are conveyed.

true talent -- one that is achieved through years of practice -- could otherwise be called expertise.

I spent the past two days with a great friend and musician. his skills and talents at music -- they are unrivalled by anything I have seen before.

and playing with such a person, someone whose playing is so impeccable and sings gloriously.. the sound of a violin and a cello intertwining, melody and harmony blending into beautiful music..

I discovered the true beauty of music. the rich tones that create the music we listen to today.

recordings do not do true music justice. it is IMPOSSIBLE to capture the true sound, the feeling of being encapsulated by the sound, of being a part of it..

there is no comparison.

first day--

I'll give school time before I judge it. it deserves that much, at least.

however, just to say, I enjoyed the summer pre-calc class with Williams far more than I enjoyed any moment of today. yes, it was hard, but it was fun.

hardxxrockxxlife: virginity

makes

any paper better when you toss it in there

haha

in response to my irony paper for TLAOW. where I refer to losing my "beach virginity" LOL

Min Lee,

your writing is fucking hilarious. and still amazingly written at the same time. I love it.

I just wanted to say that. not that you'll ever see this. LOL

another nightmare..

Mr. Stevens was giving a demonstration in his Physics class.

I paid close attention to him, until I heard the shrieking of students and the discordant sound of an alarm.

I tore my gaze from the demo to the classroom door. Through the plexiglass window, I could see flames erupting from the ceiling, black smoke wrapping itself around the previously clean hallway. No one acted; no one did anything. I took charge and grabbed the fire extinguisher, ran outside, and attempted to stunt the fire's growth. My success was limited; I chased students out whilst fighting the fire, a feat that I did not think was possible.

I ran back and forth from both entrances of the science building, taming the fires, so that the students and teachers in their science classes could escape the flaming building. When everyone escaped, I felt a sigh of relief come up, only to be choked by one realization.

The fire extinguisher ran out.

Crimson walls of fire blocked both of my escape routes. There was no place to take refuge in this gasoline-doused inferno. I grew dizzy from the smoke's fumes, filling my body, depriving my body and brain of oxygen.

The flames soon enveloped me. The acrid smell of burning flesh lingered in my nose whilst I screamed in agony from the pain of seared, burnt flesh.

I thought to myself, "At least you saved those people. Maybe you'll be forgiven now. Maybe someone will care.."

I was trapped in a hell on earth. Forgotten by those who I saved, forgotten by everyone.. No one came to my rescue. No one bothered to find me, even after I had saved so many people's lives.

And the burning continued until what remained was no longer human. A skeleton hidden within the ashes of a corpse's flesh.

I wonder..

what ultimately led me to where I am today.

a little over three years ago, I cried and mourned for my late brother.

two years ago, I obsessed over someone I knew online.

a year ago, I became a Christian. and rapidly deteriorated, in terms of spirituality, as well as health.

now.. where am I now?

guilt-ridden, self-denying.. I can't say I'm in a much better place than I was after all those years. I don't even recognize myself from all those years back. and to be honest, I have forgotten a lot of what has happened in the past three years. actually, I don't remember anything at all. my childhood is a blur, except for traumatic memories that continue to haunt me to this day. there isn't much that stands out, besides painful memories.

I really question my existence, now especially, of all times. what am I doing here? am I happy? what purpose am I serving?

I really wonder.. what do I have left? they say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.. but right now, I'm feeling very weak. I can't fathom how my future will be. I don't even know how I'm going to survive in school. what kind of a social life will I now lead, given that I haven't been with friends in my graduating class that much? will they accept me? will I even want to be back with them?

I miss the days when being lonely was expected. at least I knew I was going to be lonely then, rather than not knowing what will happen at all.

the nightmares...

are getting worse.

--

an explosion on the freeway ramp near a reservoir has led to a disastrous situation. a rescue team has been dispatched to save those whom are in danger.

--

I attempted to tread water, but could not. my lack of athletic ability in the water was my downfall. I watched as my friends swam to safey, unaware that I was missing from their group. the one that was capable of saving me watched as I drowned, unable to make it to the surface for that one last breath of air. soon, my eyes grew blank, my breathing nonexistent; a floating corpse on the scene. it was just one of the countless casualties of this unexpected disaster.

OC Fair.

I wanted to write a long-winded, detailed blog entry about this particular day, but I am lacking in the energy required to do such a thing.

so, I'll just keep this brief.

going to the O.C. Fair was probably one of the best days of my summer so far. so many fun things, so many new experiences, both terrifying and joyful. a combination of happiness, fear, and pity mixed within my heart, and gave me a newfound love for my friends, whether they be new, close, or even unknown to me. I realized that it doesn't matter what you know about someone or something, or what you're capable of; all that matters is that you enjoy every moment.

I am happy to say that today was very enjoyable. whether it be the inside jokes, the people I saw and became friends with, or the terrifying experience of riding a mechanical device that seems eager to throw you off at any given moment, today was amazing. there is no question about the authenticity of today's pure awe-filling events. I only wish that the simple joy of going out with friends would not be marred by the dirty hands of life. but hey, I am getting the hang of this.

I'm so glad I have so many great people around me. thanks, to all of you..

start of summer.

doing better now.

I'm kind of sad that summer school is ending in a couple of days. yeah, it may be tiring, and yeah, it's challenging.. but there's something invigorating about going everyday. the people, the math.. I even dreamt of math on various occasions and couldn't stop thinking about the subject. which brings me to a story..

I was at the mall with a friend to watch Harry Potter after it came out, and I saw a design on the ground that looked like a half circle with a vertical line touching it at one point. at that moment, I instantly said "find the equation of the line tangent to the parabola". my friend was bewildered, and I was embarrassed. we both had a good laugh afterwards, though.

summer school's soon ending, but so many things are just beginning.. I wonder what the future will bring? what marvels I will see, what occasions I will enjoy, what vicissitudes I will endure, what atrocities I will despise, what people I will love..

"keep your chin up. there's always tomorrow."

running away.

what lives we live,

to meet the expectations of others, maybe ourselves.

what truths we face,

experiencing revelations.

what lies we make,

to escape the pain.

--

for the past month I've been running. from my fears? from my problems? no.. from my heart.

I have successfully dissociated myself with the ones truly important to me. for a month, my mind lay blank as I attempted to escape. utter bliss; pain was in remission, happiness seemed to be a possibility.

well.. not entirely.

I dreamt of them again. this time, it wasn't good.. he put on a hoodie and tried to escape from me. tried to blend in with the crowd, to hide from me. what is my mind trying to tell me..?

after this dream, I awoke with memories flooding my mind. memories of what bad I have done, of what you have done for me.. and the knowledge that we weren't likely to ever be good friends again. maybe in the future, you can learn to forgive me for what I've done.. I'll just do my best to show you that I've changed for the better. I know you'd like to give me a second chance, but quite frankly, I don't think I would do it if I were in your shoes.

I am so tired.. and these memories that I kept at bay have again stolen my sleep.

forgiveness is something we can only obtain on the behalf of others' kindness. and one must have the strength, the belief in themselves, to say to themselves that they are truly sorry for what they have done. until them.. forgiveness remains an impossible feat to accomplish.

"Their actions have meaning because they act out of their own free will. What would be the point if everything happened as I wished it? I don't think that would be beautiful at all." - Brave Story

solace in song.

I watched the proverbial sunrise

coming up over the pacific and

I think I might be losing my mind

but I will shy away from the specifics

cause I don't want you to know where I am

cause then you'll see my heart

in the saddest state it's ever been

this is no place to try and live my life

stop right there, it's exactly where I lost it

see that line, well, I never should have crossed it

stop right there, I never should have said that

it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change

I'm ready to be sure that I never become that way again

because who I am hates who I've been

who I am hates who I've been

I talk to absolutely no one

couldn't keep to myself enough

and the things bottled up inside have begun to create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up

and I heard the reverberating footsteps

syncing up to the beating of my heart

and I was positive that, unless,

I got myself together, I'd watch me fall apart

and I can't let that happen again

cause then you'll see my heart

in the saddest state it's ever been

and this is no place to try and live my life.

I'm sorry for the person I became

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change

I'm ready to be sure that I never become that way again

cause who I am hates who I've been

who I am hates who I've been

-//relient k

"hearts break quietly, and no one can hear."

thanks.

we have more in common than I thought. but how I discovered it was pretty lulzy.

dang, though.. what a way to find out. I'm still surprised.

thanks for the time you spent with me today. really.. I do appreciate it.

biking.

so a week ago, my friend invited me to go biking to the beach with some other friends. me, being the naive person I am, accepted the offer.

did I mention that I have ridden a bike exactly ONCE before this? and that was for a mere five minutes. I can't believe I learned how to ride a bike well enough to survive an 18+ mile trip in that same day. it is an incredible feeling.. self-accomplishment.

so I had to train on Wednesday with Ronni to get myself in somewhat-decent shape. then some more training this morning, before we left for the beach. so before biking an eight mile road to Seal Beach, I totaled about two hours worth of bike riding.

holy hell, I did not know that eight miles felt like that.

it wasn't physical fatigue that got to me. it was the fear. fear of crashing.. fear of falling.. fear of falling into a fifty-foot ditch full of broken glass.. fear of stumbling into a fifteen foot drop, lined with dry branches and jagged rock that, when landed on at twenty-five miles an hour, could potentially kill me.

for nearly five hours, I constantly rode with the fear of death lingering above my head. yes, I managed to avoid the precarious obstacles that lay before me.. but not completely. scars remain from the first trip that occurred through, strangely enough, the surface streets. and because of this, I have come to at least one conclusion regarding sidewalks.

sidewalks are way too fucking small.

in an area where many people ride bikes, there is a sidewalk about the size of 4/5 a car lane's. and in the middle of this sidewalk there is a one-foot-in-diameter pole sticking out, and a clusterfuck of plants and vines next to it, protruding by one foot.

let us do the math, shall we? if we estimate a typical car lane to be about five feet wide, that leaves about four feet for the sidewalk. but wait! the obstacle in the middle forces one to veer either left or right from it, with about two feet to spare on each side. when I approached this obstacle, guess where I went?

straight into the branches.

ain't no fuckin' way I'm risking biking into traffic. that's just silly! but I guess getting fifteen scratches/scars in one shot is also pretty damn stupid. oh well.. it was still fun. though, now I am covered in band-aids. and my legs feel the burn after so many miles of biking, scratching, and falling.

the beach was quite fun. making moats and sand castles and getting buried and tickled like crazy. the beach was probably the single most enjoyable part. second time I've been there.. but this was the first in which I had fun. it's an indescribable experience; to wade in the water, to look at the shimmering sand, to have a force of nature bear itself upon you, crash after crash. to be swept away, pushed by an unnaturally strong force; to be one with the sea.. the sheer joy of jumping in the waves took me, but it's so enjoyable. too bad I have an awful sunburn on my entire back (stupid me, didn't apply there because I couldn't reach it).

but damn, that path was freaking small. I was so scared.. every single time a cycler would pass by, I freaked out. I couldn't control myself, and narrowly avoided death many, many times. I'm glad my friends waited for me so much.. I was so slow going the first time around, because I was so scared. I really thought, "today.. is this the last thing I'm going to do?"

I can't describe that anxiety. the constant feeling that death is watching you, that death is waiting for that one lapse in judgment in order to seize your life..

please don't let that day be soon.. I have too much at stake.

why does death have to be an everlasting aspect of my life? I feared for it when a family member of mine grew suicidal within hours. I feared for it when my brother didn't return from the hospital four years ago. I feared for it yesterday when someone around me went crazy and physically abused me for no reason. I feared for it today when I rode through treacherous paths, clumsily and unsteadily.

fear possesses the soul and refuses to take it back. death is always present; whether it be in popular media, or society, or myself, there is only one thing that truly matters to myself. control over myself, regardless of the situation.

fear threatens to conquer me. my fear of my love for people, my fear of my ambitions, my fear of people seeing the "real me". I have repulsed the one person in my life who has done everything in their power to help me when they are one of the few capable of doing so. they are capable of so much; a true jack-of-all trades. and yet my own fears prevent me from loving them. a fear that conquers my soul, dictating what I do.

I don't want to fall into this cycle again.. can you please help me? I didn't say "oh, I'm dying, please help me!". or, "look at me, I CAN'T do it because I'm ME". I was trying to explain that, my god, there was a chance that today could have been the last day of my life... that you might have never seen me again... that I truly would have died.

and yet, you see it as a plea for help, a whining on my part. defying your logic, your standards, yet again.

I want your friendship. do you truly wish to maintain this strong opinion of your's that I am no longer capable of happiness? that I am unable to be helped? I cannot do this on my alone, yes. but I am definitely trying. and I am definitely doing SOMETHING that is making progress. and yet, I cannot talk about the good things to you. I do not allow myself to, because you said that you could no longer see my achievements.. so now it is a waste of time for me to tell you. so why bother anymore? you said yourself that what 'progress' I've made is invisible to you.

I wish so badly that this can be reparable. but I'm afraid that, given our circumstances, it won't be.

(ugh, I started writing this last night at 11PM, felt too sleepy by 12AM to finish it, then just finished it at 11AM this morning.. I didn't even know I wrote some of the things in here, it just kinda went on automatic.)

summer school.

I made a new friend at summer school today. well, to be precise, on the public bus. he's in my precalc class, but he took the same bus as I did.

he seemed a bit lonely at summer school.. so often I would see him and he would eat his lunch alone, or he wouldn't smile. a five hour school day would elapse without so much as a grin to crack his monotone look. except that third day of school; I saw a smile materialize on his face, and I decided that I would try my best to make that happen more. took a week though..

he's pretty cool.. albeit a bit reserved. I was surprised to find out that he lives near me and is 2nd chair in the alto sax section in his school's advanced band class.

haha, I'm so awkward and stalker-ish. I found out his name by waiting for Mr. Williams to call his name to collect his test.

though, it's strange. I found myself getting an adrenaline rush just thinking about trying to introduce myself on the bus. after someone left the seat beside him, it took me a good two or three minutes to gather the will to move to the back and sit next to him. then it took another five minutes for me to actually ask him if his name was Eric.

I dunno why, but my heart rate shot up when I tried to convince myself to talk to him. perhaps just the thought of initiating conversation with a complete stranger, or making a new friend, was shocking to me. I was scared that he would have ignored me or thought I was creepy.

fortunately, my fears were for naught as we launched into a conversation. I went from initiating a conversation by asking, "hey, is your name Eric?" to giving him my math test to check his test corrections with. his aspirations to go to Princeton surprised me, as well as his acceptance of my odd character.

hurray for new friends. I think it was worth the difficulty on my part to make a new friend, as well as to make someone smile. he's a senior; it can't be fun to be a senior and to be alone.

wispful.

a day spent, not quite in solitude, nor in boredom.

a simple act of kindness, generated by the goodness of their hearts. a commitment made, a day set aside; anticipation lagged behind as the hours passed, minutes ticked by.

an escape from hell; a place providing a shelter from the incessant cacophony of life.

the return came too quickly; hours flew by, untamed by the restrictions of time.

goodbye was bittersweet. their arms and body wrapped around my own for the briefest of moments. I savored the security, the warmth; and yet, I could not hold onto it. before long, the wisp faded away, only a vague recollection in a vast sea of memories.

I inhaled with brevity as I returned to resume life as I knew it.

graduation.

"don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

I bowed my head in humility, attempting to stifle the whimpers that seeped through the cracks of my facade. it was of no use; they broke through, shattering what little dignity I had.

as I sat there in disbelief, embarrassed by the intense emotions I had let control me, two women of Spanish descent talked loudly and rapidly in a foreign tongue.

tears rolled down my face as the ceremony continued.

regaining my composure after losing it so splendidly required energy. in fact, I could only keep up the charade for as long as there were people around; I could not embarrass myself again. I feigned contentedness, unable to speak for the tortured soul within that missed his friends, that felt as if that day were to be his last one on earth.

for hours, my face smashed itself into a pillow, wet and hot. bloodshot eyes brought back memories of anguish and terror. between gasps for air through the sobbing, thought processes focused entirely on could-have-been's. goodbye-forever's and promises of solitude took over my mind, drove me insane.

what a wonderful time to break down.

novella.

I am attempting to write a story.

finished with the Prologue and the first chapter. however, the disparity in style between the two parts makes me wonder if I should edit the first chapter heavily.

I'll try to write a chapter every day or two. will be posted at:

http://reachtowardsthesky.blogspot.com .

please read and critique it; I desperately need critiquing in order to improve my writing.

also, please note that I am writing this as I go along; no brainstorming, just writing as my muse dictates it. as a result, it is very up-in-the-air; many things are subject to change. in fact, I've been replacing important details, because originally they were not very realistic or suited for the story I'm writing.

reflection.

utterly and completely consumed.

fantasy turns to reality.

tugging on heartstrings.

I should not think or say "final goodbye". nor should I treat it as such.

in reality, however, I had said goodbye long ago. uttered it within the corners of my mind. echoed it amongst the depths of my psyche. reflected it through my actions and words.

it is hard to let go. it is hard to say 'goodbye'.

it takes a monstrous effort to work so hard, to work towards a brighter future for oneself.. and yet, after all this time, what good did it do? I'm not quite sure if I'm in a better place now than I was before.

it is still so easy to break that facade I put up. actions and thoughts and words threaten to rend that barrier. despite words I've said, promises I've made, I can't stop this emotion from tearing me apart. I can't help but want to give up. what "progress" is this? where I regress into bickering and ranting about shit?

melancholy is something we all experience. it was used by medicine in the past that depended on the four humors to accurately diagnose patients. it was called melancholy because of melan (black) and khole (bile). depression was believed to be caused by an excess of this black bile within a person's system.

at this point in time, everything seems so dark. pain clutches at my heart. guilt haunts me for having caused so much anguish. anguish itself has already claimed my heart.

regrets are aplenty. being helpless and making life miserable for myself and many other people is a large one. I wish I didn't have to cause so much trouble..

self-worth is impossible to maintain.

life is impossible to go through without breaking down.

I can't fight this feeling anymore. this incessant, nagging feeling that I am a worthless piece of shit, that I will never find anyone who will (gasp) love me as I love them, that I am useless, that I will live a lonely life, that my friends will not come to rescue me (God knows how many times that has happened), that ultimately I will live a life filled with misery.

I don't want to have to say goodbye. I don't want to leave everyone behind. I don't want to suffer like this.

I don't want to see that disheartened look anymore, though I know I cause it. I don't want to see someone suffer at my hands. I don't want to be like this.

I suppose we must all make sacrifices and compromises.. some invariably worth more than others.

I'm sorry for being a terrible friend.

I'm sorry for wearing my heart on a sleeve.

I'm sorry I couldn't change..

score.

fuck yes!

43/45 on my Algebra 2/Trig final.

it only took five hours of studying, but I think it was worth it.

words cannot describe how ecstatic I am right now.

I don't think I've cared about grades so much in a long time, but it seems to be the only way to motivate me at the moment. I had lost touch with reality and rediscovered it when I realized that my 4.0 was precariously hanging in the balance.

now I just have to study for English and Health.

writing.

I think I'll start a story.

will update soon regarding it.

tentative goodbyes

kill me now.
lives are ephemeral; mine is no different. and quite frankly, many others would prefer for mine to disappear, to stop ruining lives.

embrace the pain.
naught but pain exists; a testament to the cruelty of mankind. whether it be self-induced or the result of society's harsh treatment of others, is inconsequential.

anger in sorrow.
frustration enraptures the soul, physical manifestations of it threaten to take control. however, cold anger receives no sympathy from others.

fragility of friendship.
eviscerated by actions so easily, destruction impossible to avoid.

ailment of the mind.
seized by a tyrant of emotions, incapable of individual, intellectual thought. psychosis and confusion merge into depression.

deception and false pretenses.
deceived by many, unaware of the trickery. epiphanies made, truths realized; a recapitulation of human nature.

in the heart of the problem lies a tangled web, full of squirming victims that refuse to comply. protected by a chassis created of legal means, impervious to everything except a breach of contract.

however, I have already breached this contract. on multiple occasions.

tonight, it happened countless times. I could not bring down their day, nor could I afford to force them to expend any more of their energy.

in a flurry of events, my being has been rendered incapable.

locked and loaded. ready to kill. no one left to stop me.

la vie.

inconsequential;
a droplet in the sea,
a particle in the solution,
a pebble in the sand.

worthless,
to the general populace.

unknown, uncared for,
except by a select few.

yet, they are swept away,
without a trace,
without remorse,
lingering only in memories.
lost in the depths of human thought.

the hopes of a dreamer
flicker in outer space,
like stars.

their luminescent glow,
hazy and unfocused,
dissipate into nothingness,
as dreams were crushed by reality.

fuck writing.

I'm just another amateur writer who fails at his attempts to weave together a coherent story or clever poem or an amusing article. A pseudo-intellectual who nitpicks on semantics, pedantic in nature in order to sound intelligent. It's child's play; ephemeral words, flowing from the mind and out of sight, haunting dreams of achievement and esteem, pilfering motivation away. Vitriolic words hurriedly scratched onto a paper in crimson ink stay etched in the soul forever.

I will never write again. Writing is not an option for me, according to The Gamut.

ninja is one of the awesomest games ever. enough said.

awkward positions and a test of reflexes.. hehe.

oh, I got a digital piano yesterday. someone's not too happy about that. but it makes me realize how much I suck at playing..

I wonder if I'll ever be competent at piano. it would be pathetic of me to drop $700 on such a thing, only to fail miserably at it. playing for countless hours a day, I really wonder what good this does me.

I must practice.. not just to be good, but to fully be able to enjoy playing.

*rolls on floor laughing*

I can't believe I did that.

This is fucking hilarious. LOL

expectations not met;
a duty,
left unfulfilled by someone inept.

the signs were clear,
symptoms obvious;
unfortunately, to you I am not dear.

the effort and determination required
to rid myself of this personal demon;
no more, I desired.

granting forgiveness
for such a minuscule mistake;
it seems impossible,
even for my own sake.

anger and frustration
coursed through my veins.
seeing you walk away
with full knowledge of the situation,
served to ruin my day.

pleas for help went unnoticed;
missed calls on the phone
remained unanswered.

--

I give up. If you're going to continue ignoring me in this fashion when I do not appear at my best, then fine. So be it.

I fucking hate being left alone. Perhaps you'll realize the implications of your actions, but by then, it'll be too late.

Sayonara, my tomodachi.

uhm.. holy shit.

amidst all this crap, I've finally had a good day.

it's hard to vocalize or process it into coherent words.. things feel pleasant now. it was fun. that's all I can really say about it.

thank you to a few good people who made my day great. the pilot of the astrovan contributed the most (what was "hey can I get a ride to the bus stop" turned into "hey let's go eat In-N-Out!"). it was really fun.. haha, now I have more inside jokes to do with Still Alive.

give up the game,
it's not worth playing.
just stop the pain,
before I'm truly maimed.

1600mg of ibuprofen,
four medicated patches of Salonpas;
they offer only a temporary reprieve,
long enough for a brief sleep.

--

stop it with thine self,
stop relying on others,
stop expecting "help".

stop screwing around,
vying for compassion and attention.

destroy these thoughts and feelings,
these desires for compassion and attention,
expel them to the depths of purgatory.

conquer thyself,
thine unwanted features;
manipulate them, mold them
to thine own heart's content.

create something anew from the cesspool of thy self,
a being better than before;
grant thee strength needed
to awaken such a thing.

the persona
Alex Lee //True Form//
has emerged from the sea of your soul..

It's no longer there.

I don't know why I'm still here.

I don't know why I'm here in the first place.

I keep deceiving myself into believing that it's there.. But no. It never will be. Yet, I refuse to accept this fact.

It's not just the lack of that.. But, the lack of reason. The lack of motivation. The lack of joy and happiness.

At one point in my life, I believed that I wouldn't be alone.. That solitude would be banished by the warmth of physical intimacy. Yet, here I am now. And here I will remain.

And so I ask, what is the point now?

The answer is simple.

There is none.

.. i want some kind of reassurance..

.. i don't want to sleep anymore..

.. i can't handle these nightmares anymore.. multiple face-to-face rejections from you are enough. but, to count, over thirty..?

.. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. i don't want to be this way.. i don't want to constantly be depressed. i hate the standards i imposed on you; the expectations; the hope that i deceived myself into having.

i want to say 'no more' to all of these useless and unfruitful 'hopes', but inevitably, i will find myself falling into them again. i want to abandon them, in the hopes that i will be free, free at last.

but no.

i will suffer, because i am too weak to conquer my sinful soul. i will cry, because i know that we were never meant to be together -- even in mere friendship. i will lament the broken promises that were made, because you lacked true understanding of my situation needed in order to fully understand the promise you made.

i have been trying. i have tried my fucking hardest. but i still haven't changed one bit.

i can blame only myself. there's no point in pointing fingers.. i know that this is all my fault.

so where do i go from here? how do i prevent myself from falling into this cycle of depression again and again?

i always believed that you had an answer. but i also always knew that you were just as clueless as i was. blind hope never prevented me from deceiving myself.

i want to disappear.. i really despise living in such turmoil..

A restful week. Or rather, a deathly wait.

Why do I even bother anymore? I've asked myself that question so many times now; at this point, many people doubt my credibility, and roll their eyes if I even hint at the fact that I'm depressed.

I'm lonely. I'm so lonely.

I'm not saying this to make people pity me and try to help me out. I just need to let it out somehow. I have no outlets anymore. I have no one to turn to who will truly care about what I have to say or how I feel. My "friends" run at the first opportunity they get.

I always wonder why I feel this way. Why "love" is so elusive in my life. Why I trust people who lie to me. Why I'm such a terrible person. Why nothing works out.

I'm not going to do anything drastic.. Not now, at least. But honestly, I wish I had succeeded in the various attempts I made. I really despise living right now. Everything is dragging.. Sleep constantly eludes me.. I feel miserable just lying down in bed, contemplating all the crap that's happened to me, knowing that my situation isn't likely to improve..

I guess I was just too hopeful. And subsequently had my hopes crushed for the hundredth time. You would think that by now I would get used to the pain, but no, I haven't.

I sound whiny right now, and I care that I do, but it's necessary. And to whoever's reading this who wants to tell me to shut up, I don't care what you have to say. Bottling up my emotions and thoughts may not affect you, but it certainly kills my mood. So stop reading if all you're going to do is something analogous to complaining about the lack of meat in a vegetarian restaurant. This is my blog; what do you expect?

I want a piano. And school to come back in session.

Spring Break isn't restful.. It's sapping away my energy with each passing hour.

progress.

progress is a great thing. one that cannot be measured; there is no SI unit for the measurement of "progress". but I know some has been made.

sorry for seemingly ignoring you. it was a necessary evil, but it ultimately helped. in all honesty, though, it was because for so long I was too ashamed to talk to you, to even look at you..

hopefully, we'll be on better terms. yesterday was a good start on a new beginning. and hopefully, the imminent end won't be so bad, either. it's more of a hiatus, but to my mind, it seemed like 'the end'.

implosion.

I want to cry, but I already did in English on Friday. I don't even know why it happened then.

Despite what you say, I'm not going to simply "get better". I can't deal with this on my own.

I know you'll disagree with me, and you'll think that I'm capable of pulling myself out of this.. but no. I know I'm not capable.

I'm trying, but it's not enough. I need a boost. I need your help..

Why did I keep telling you that I've given up? Because I wanted you to help me out..

Maybe it's not a necessity, but I just want some support from you. Perhaps a hug at the end of the day.. Or even just talking to me. Or a high-five. Or a few signs that we'll be friends again. Or that you care.

I'm very close to the edge. You saw me at it. And what did you do? You hit me to chastise me for something stupid I'd done.

I hate being miserable, but I hate it when you ignore me even more. It spawns jealousy and hatred in my heart. It makes me want to give up.

I wonder what happened to the friend that I had.. Then I remember that I ultimately caused our friendship to disintegrate. So it's my fault.

Everything is my fault..

colorgenics results.

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

The way things are you are under considerable stress and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone around you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone and you are right - move back and give yourself a chance to breathe.

Your confidence has been shattered. There are so many things that you would like to do with your life, so many dreams to be fulfilled - and you know that your hopes and dreams are not just figments of your imagination, they are real and you are looking for reassurance from someone. Basically your fears are such that you may be prevented in attaining your hopes and dreams. Even now you would like to broaden your fields of endeavour but in order to develop your 'inner- self' you need peace and solace. You are distressed by the fear that you may be prevented from attaining your goals. What you really need at this particular moment in time is quiet reassurance from someone close to you to restore your confidence.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

--

Please, I hope for peace of rest.. I don't want to let it consume me anymore..

Please let the past remain there, and shed light on the gift of the present..

sorry.

I'm sorry for worrying people on Monday. Next time, I'll just keep it to myself. That way, no one will worry about me or suspect that something is wrong.

I don't want to explain why I was absent on Monday. However, I will say that it was necessary.

To one specific person who may be reading this.. I don't know where we stand anymore. I don't know what is 'okay' to do with you. I don't know if you want me to leave your life so that you won't have to deal with me anymore, or if you're just waiting for me to change so that we can become friends again. You told me on Friday that you believed that we're not friends. That, my friend (or should I say, friend-no-longer..), broke something in me. And I can't recover. I don't have any more energy, endurance, or motivation to continue trying.

I see you every day, and when I hear those words echo in my mind, I can feel tears rising up, threatening to break through my grimace. I want to hear you comfort me, to hear you tell me that I'm wrong, that you ARE my friend.. But when you said those words, my only safeguard shattered. Whether or not you care is up to you.. But the reason why I have been so depressed this week is because of you. Not because what I dreamed could never come true.. But because I know for a fact now that we're no longer friends.

My nightmare for so long.. It finally came true. And it's truly torturous to endure it every day.

[Edit: I was called by that friend while writing this, and although it still hurts, the pain has been alleviated a bit. I'll keep trying to build up our friendship; I hope you reciprocate.. Two months.]

This is the latest I've been up for a couple of days. It's kind of strange, considering that I usually wake up at 2AM or 3AM.

Here is to hoping things get better.. I'll work on it. Though, I'm still not ready to present myself. I hope you guys forgive me for that.

Goodbye, guys...

This may be the last time I say that.

Reasons are withheld. Time will reveal an answer.

I'll leave without a trace. No one will notice. And no one will care, either.

I will end it all.

Goodbye.

the color quiz.

Your Existing Situation

Feeling dissatisfied in his current situation and has a strong desire to escape or find an immediate solution.

Your Stress Sources

"Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep his rank and status. His current situation is irritating him because he can't seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards he does. He is feeling isolated and wants to give in to his carnal urges, but can't bring himself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see his unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead he has an ""I don't care"" attitude and pushing people away. He turns his back on those who criticizes his behavior, but beneath his indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave him feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

"Struggles to make his demands clear, but feels ignored. Feels resentful, but acts as if he doesn't care, doing what is necessary to keep peace."

Conceited and is easily insulted. Holds back emotionally.

Your Desired Objective

"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging."

Your Actual Problem

"Wants to be valued and respected, seeks a close and peaceful relationship with a shared respect of each other."

Your Actual Problem #2

Disappointed because his hopes have not come to pass and he fears coming up with new goals will only lead to further disappointment. These conflicting emotions lead to a feeling of anxiety and depression. He tries to escape into a peaceful and calm relationship which offers encouragement and protection from further disappointment.

--

it's really quite odd how accurate these "quizzes" are.

friendship, a fickle thing;
not quite an acquaintance with a stranger
nor an experience with a lover.

this bond formed between two people,
it continually wavers,
never settling.

it stands through the test of time,
through change;
its lasting is a testament to its solidarity.

yet, can "change" sever this tie?
will the unpredictability of our futures
inevitably end this relationship?

perhaps it would be prudent
to stop it of our own accord;
to eviscerate what's left.

for if its doom is inevitable,
what purpose is there
in pursuing a lost cause?

not here, nor now,
will it ever happen.

yet, hope drives me
to strive
for that which is impossible.

a life lived not so alone,
without solitude grasping my neck.

understanding and love;
both, cruel figments
of my imagination.

victory, a bittersweet finale,
for surely, in the end,
death is inevitable.

it's over.

you win, life. I'm done trying. I give up. I have inexplicably and irrevocably failed.

word of advice: treat every day as if it were the last.

a slight twitch
accompanied the quick glance;
the discomfort was prevalent,
calmness, an impossibility.

their tightly-shut eyes,
a grimace on their face.
"what am I doing, forcing them through this?"
I thought to myself;
"do you enjoy their suffering?"

another voice defended the act;
"I'm merely standing next to them."

the former retaliated,
"you selfish bastard. can't you see what this is doing?"

the second voice
went into remission,
its justification rendered insignificant.

and, still, the desire to be close to them,
to leave solitude behind..

oh, contemplations;
when will this get better?
when will things be alright?
when will we become friends again?

cursed thoughts
tightly gripping my throat;
they will eventually possess my own two hands.
at that point..
there's no turning back.

no more time for goodbyes.
no more time for regrets.
no more time for one last "I love you."

"no more talk of darkness,
forget these wide-eyed fears;
I'm here, nothing can harm you,
my words will warm and calm you..

let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears;
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you.."
--[All I Ask of You] // The Phantom of the Opera

track makes me feel like crap. not just because I feel incredibly inadequate in comparison to everyone else, but also because I'm trying my hardest and STILL falling behind the people who are barely trying.

I always wished that I could have been athletic. it seems a bit greedy of me to want to be good at everything, but truthfully, I'm quite competitive. in sports, I get very frustrated because of my inadequacy or lack of endurance. it doesn't help my self-esteem to constantly be last when running, feeling out-of-breath before the real practice even starts.

I keep questioning my decision to join.. when I think about it, I'm really no good. so why am I still there? why do I bother trying so hard when I'm just going to fail anyways? it's the same with everything: no matter how hard I try, I still end up on the bottom.

it doesn't matter what it's in anymore; everything has ended in failure. choir? I thought I was an alright singer, maybe even good, but I failed so hard at that. I failed to get solos when I wanted them. not everyone does.. but I really thought I had a chance with some of them. and music? even though I practice, my skills never seem to get any better. my friendships? some of them have withered and died, whereas some of them are the epitome of awkward turtle.

I can't help but think I'm a failure with everything weighing down on me. it feels like success isn't even a possibility anymore.. giving up seems like the only option I have.

oh, and sleep. something that's supposed to offer a reprieve from stress and life, and let me rest.. I've spent so many nights just lying down in bed, unable to fall asleep. I'm not talking about just one or two hours.. and I've been exhausted when I lie down, too. for three nights in a row, I'd try to sleep at 7PM, but I wouldn't fall asleep til 12AM or 1AM. and I had barely any sleep the night before those. I was so mentally and physically exhausted on Wednesday.. I didn't even realize I was crying until I felt the tears roll down my face. my voice was so monotone even when I was crying. I couldn't even walk without some kind of support. I didn't even go to school because I was so extremely exhausted..

my mom got into an argument again with me today because I "procrastinate and am always tired". it's not my fault that I can't fall asleep. does it look like I'm forcing myself to stay up when I want to sleep? why can't you understand that it's not my fault? why is it that you choose to ignore everything that happens to me, and expect me to fulfill the role of the son that you never cared for? you "care"; I'd like to see you genuinely care. the last time you showed that you cared was when my brother was on his deathbed. does it take death for you to realize that you haven't successfully done your job as a parent? will you push me to that point?

perhaps... but no... I made a promise...

what good is honoring that promise when I won't be able to be reprimanded after breaking it?

no good.

I wonder how long I can keep going. I already broke down yesterday.

the only reason why I'm still going is because I can't bear to break your heart. had I fully achieved my objective yesterday, that would have most definitely happened.

well.. I've kept my promise. for your sake, I hope I continue to do so.

"I am God's child,
set upon this decayed Earth.
how do I live on such a field?
this isn't why I was born..

my stride succumbs to a sudden gust of wind,
it seems like I'll fall any moment
but these chains won't allow it.

having surrendered up my heart to you,
my feelings for you now lay scattered about,
I still don't know how to pick them up..

talk more about your 'reasons'
until I fall asleep.
I'm swathed in medicine that doesn't work
here, there is no sound.
what should I believe in?

I am God's child,
these sounds of anguish leave scars on my back.
'I can't hang out in this world'
it's my only thought
I have no place anywhere..

discomfort, a bitterly cold wall;
what will be the next thing to weaken me?
don't reach out your hand, even in the end,
you, of all people, will rescue me from the silence.
and time will speed the pain.."
-chihiro onitsuka // gekkou (moonlight)

psychiatric ward.

my mom is talking to herself.

she is also slamming doors and in a cleaning frenzy.

headaches.

I'm not even quite sure why I had a bad one yesterday, but because of it I couldn't sleep. so I ended up getting around three or so hours of sleep again, for the second day in a row.

I guess I should be getting used to it at this point, but I can't help but feel that my time spent helplessly wriggling in bed is a waste. true, it's in order to get me to sleep.. but what point is there in doing it when it takes hours for me to sleep? when the pain that haunts my body refuses to leave, offering me a brief reprieve for only so few hours at a time?

I said I'd be better, but it's so hard to when in this state, and when things are going badly. I've already suffered a nervous breakdown. I'm also not quite sure how well I can hide things anymore. I need to, not just for my own sake, but for others..

my mom picked me up yesterday from a friend's house. I asked her to come at 5:30PM, but she ended up arriving at nearly 7PM. why? because her coworker invited her along for dinner. it's great to know that your son is less important than your coworker's dinner outing. I suppose that it was best that she DID end up being late. but when I got into the car, she made a comment like, "Alex, how was your day? oh, I know already, it was okay; you're ALWAYS okay!". in truth, I had just recovered from a mental breakdown.

it really strikes me as strange.. just, how ignorant my parents are. how blind they are. how oblivious they are to the son that they have. how much they don't know and never will know. perhaps it's a form of self-induced neglect. or maybe just me being unreasonable; that in itself isn't too hard to believe.

to one person: I'm really quite curious as to whether or not what you told me various times was the truth. sure, I guess you won't read this, but it'll remind me to ask you.. not that I'll need the motivation to. but really... I wonder what convinced you that you and your family would be okay with it. in the event that it does happen, I wonder if it'll really be alright..

resolved.

holy crap thank God.

so, is this how it's going to be?

I'm sorry that I can no longer be your friend.

I'm sorry that things turned out the way that they did.

but I'm NOT sorry that I trust someone and want to be good friends with them. I don't see how that is problematic for our friendship when so many other people have more than what I have with this friend.

I know you probably won't read this, but I would prefer if you didn't drag other people into this.. I have enough trouble trying to be with my own friends. you told me that I need to stop being so unhappy.. but you ignore me utterly and completely. and this affects my other friendships with the friends we share.

I know it's greedy of me to ask it of you, especially considering that you're pissed off at me, but you know what? fine. I don't care anymore. I don't need any of those friends if they're going to simply ignore me and make me feel isolated when I'm trying my hardest to be happy. I don't need you.

just remember that you got mad at me. this is not like the last situation when a friend stopped talking to you; you caused this between us. if you want to be pissed off at me, fine. I don't care anymore. continuing to do so will only push me off the edge.

so long and farewell. hopefully we'll reconcile. if not, then that's too bad for us.

silence.

the bliss of solitude
offers us a brief moment of rest;
yet, it is a curse,
an unsightly blemish on the perfection we call "society"--

the loneliness soon mutates into doubt
and the ensuing feeling
brings a longing for companionship.

this ravenous desire
was eclipsed only by the yearning call of lust itself--
it threatened to destroy
the affinity.

"so long, farewell. may it make you happy to never see me again."

the words echoed in the caverns of my mind,
reverberating with growing intensity.

the self-induced seclusion
became too much to bear
as moist beads rolled down
the countenance of the sufferer.

I was right.

happiness never lasts.

fun.

I had a lot of fun at the class activity today, despite the little mishap at the beginning. what a way to end finals week. the only thing that was bad about it was that Casie neglected to do what she told me and my friend; we were supposed to be in the same group for the scavenger hunt, and she even told us we could be, but she displaced us about a minute or two after telling us that we'd be together. some organization.. meh.

Tim Pei and Harvey and Hannah are all good and funny people.. but I just don't connect well with them. it's just hard for me to talk to them. and I was looking forward to spending the entire day with my friend, so it's not like it was just by chance that we were there together. it just made me kind of mad and irritated that she would forget what she said so easily. and Hannah was so thoughtful, trying to contact my friend's group so we could 'steal' him back. haha. thank you, Hannah, that was so thoughtful of you, but it was really alright. regardless of how things turned out, I still had a lot of fun. Harvey and Tim are fun to be around, if only because their crazy antics are so interesting.

during the movie, I kept talking to my friend.. and after the movie I just couldn't stop. I just hung out with him for the time before the scavenger hunt and the entire time after the movie started; maybe three hours total? we went to Hollister and bought matching shirts. I wasn't sure what to get, so I just decided to get the same shirt he did; it was our first time shopping in a Hollister. haha.. on free dress days, we'll match. afterwards, we went to his house, and played a bit of piano. it was quite interesting to discover the level at which he plays at.. if I had a piano of my own, I might be at a similar level that he's at. overall, it was a really fun day.. I had no worries. I was so carefree for once. it's such a contrast to my normal, day-to-day life. I hope it stays like this, even though I know it won't. life sucks too much to stay good after such a good day.

and, holy crap. I can't believe it. my brother and I actually talked to each other for the first time in six months. it was quite long, but never dragging; it was for about three hours straight. it's kind of interesting... all these good things happening on one day. maybe something's changed or changing for the better? who knows. I just hope this elation never dissipates.

public transportation.

he watched people enter--
the old, the lonesome, the broken;
he was reminded of his own life.

'funny,' he thought to himself;
'these people are in a predicament worse than my own.'
his inquisitive eyes focused upon the obese woman (or is it a man?) taking three bus seats, an ancient man with a sunken face, a teenage mother attempting to corral her three infants into one seat.

he could not understand how the world continued revolving. how can everyone not stop and ignore these people? he was reminded of his aptly named "crappy day" at school. an instant after, visions of his life blurred past in his mind's eye. a few fleeting memories, barely visible, rushed past. suddenly, a plethora of thoughts sprang to his mind. a noose. the music room. a shimmery main gauche, glistening with blood. a pistol, with the acrid scent of gunpowder still lingering. a single, bleeding hole indicated the bullet's point-of-entry; the base of his skull, just like Lennie's--

'we are now approaching Harbor Boulevard and Lincoln Avenue.'

the boy snapped out of his reverie. he quickly pulled on the cord to indicate the bus's next stop. as it pulled into the curb, he awkwardly stumbled across the aisle, hoping that his façade would remain unbroken. exiting the public bus, not a word was uttered; however, all eyes focused on the boy. those simple, innocent bystanders were oblivious to the train of thought he just experienced.

unsure.

to be quite honest, I don't know how to describe today. I would say that it sucked, but that was only because of my attitude.

isn't this what I wanted? no... I'm a terrible person, manipulating the people who care about me in order to force them to say the things I'd like them to say; guilt-tripping them with tears and using low, cowardly threats to coerce them into doing little things for me. this isn't the way things were supposed to turn out. I guess I AM just a manipulative monster who can't control himself.

it's really difficult. when you care so much about your friends that it hurts, when you can't get your mind off certain friends, when the sheer prospect of just talking to some friends makes you feel apprehensive. when you feel unsure as to whether or not your friends really care..

a friend told me they had a dream regarding me. long story short, it scared them to death, alongside a frustrated message I sent them. I genuinely felt like they stopped caring, but after talking to them, I realize now that they care about me enough to want to shield me from what they may possibly do to me. how can I keep doing this to my friends, and yet still desire for them to help me? at first I believed I was justified in my actions, but now, I can see that what I did was only to benefit myself. and guess what? in the end, it didn't work.

despite all of this, I'll remember today. when you wiped away my tears and offered me advice. when you comforted me when I was helpless.

I won't forget. thank you for everything. I'm not joking when I say that it's a wonder that you're still here for me.

vicissitude.

I would like to think that maybe there is hope and that these sleepless nights are worth it.

I would like for this incessant pain to go away.

I would like for this embarrassment from that ridiculous detention to eventually dissipate.

I would like to be normal for once.

of course, there is no such thing as "normal". but talking to someone on the bus today was quite enlightening. within people, there are differences in their placement on the spectrum: some people have it worse in some ways, but better in others. and in that spectrum it's very difficult to find a good balance between the two extremes. perhaps it may be good that I have freedom within my life, as well as the decision to choose; however, I am severely lacking in another factor that actually results in that freedom. in ways we may believe other people have it better.. but it may be worse. who are we to list these people on an organized chart, deprived of details? how can we assume that those we do not know are not suffering? life is not perfect; in our lives, nothing can reach the level of perfection. everyone will have their emotional scars, their own quirks.

I could run away from home and stay at a friend's house if I just told my parents where I was. sometimes, I've contemplated doing it, just to see if they would look for me. they would never find me. I really wonder if it's as doable as I make it seem.

I've been better at school. I feel better. though, a piece of me still clings to that negative side; the one that causes me distress and my so-called "emo aura". sometimes, it can't help but surface. but I do believe that I've gotten better at containing it. I can tell when it comes out.. when my voice goes quiet and low, inaudible even to myself. when my eyes droop from the lack of energy or frustration at whatever situations I find myself in.

I wish I could ask. I wish I could talk. I wish I could find out the truth regarding some of my friends. I know I can't demand them to tell me the truth.. but an explanation as to why something other than the truth is uttered into my ears would suffice. but if one isn't willing to tell the truth, who says they're going to tell me the reason why they're not telling the truth? I may be weak, but I am strong enough to stand when faced with unfortunate news. let me be strong for once.. allow me to shoulder a burden or two. I wish I weren't so weak myself; it is depressing to have to rely on other people to shoulder my burdens so that I do not get crushed by it all.

"well, you are the one
the one who lies close to me
whispers, 'hello, I've missed you quite terribly,'
I fell in love,
in love with you suddenly
and there's no place else
I could be but here in your arms"

turned my world around,
upside down..

I wish I could keep up,
understand the lies
you spoon-fed me--

what is the truth?
where does it exist?
goodness does not revel
in the murder
of an innocent soul.

I gave you everything;
the truth, my time,
my heart, my life;
why?

why did you have to lie?
why is the truth so difficult to convey?
why am I drowning, gasping for your lies,
to bring me up to shore?;
I only wanted to be your friend..

doing much, much better now.

a big "thank you!" to those who talked to me today. I WILL try harder. I WILL be better. even if it's only marginally so on Tuesday. just a few things to put down here that I have a feeling I will forget...
"a) get more sleep, b) be careful of what you say and do, c) rely on yourself for happiness"
"you need to push yourself a little to talk to me too; I can't be the only one talking in our conversations and I don't know what you want to talk about either"
"even though college will separate us, you'll meet new people.. we're not the only people on the planet, after all"
"dude, I know how you feel.. don't be discouraged by it, even the best of us are afflicted with it"
"I'll be there for you"
"think of yourself FIRST. your own sanity and well-being takes priority over everyone else's"
"the world revolves around you"
"I remember when [insert embarassing moment].. I know your frustration right now"

it feels so good to be close.. to have your hand on my shoulder, even if it's only for a few brief moments.. I won't doubt anymore.

homecoming was actually pretty awesome. the basketball games were intense, even though we didn't win in the end.. we have spirit! D + #! D + #! hehe. that bit of creativity made me laugh. (the pound sign is a fence)

I'm so wiped out right now. I just got home about two hours ago. spending 16 hours at school in one sitting can't be good for one's health. a subtle apathy took over me at school, but it gradually turned to a mild depression, then into, surprisingly, glee. even though I'm tired right now, I still feel a sense of giddiness from all that happened today.

speaking of health.. my leg joint is still bothering me. I can't walk properly. I really hope it gets better by the time track & field starts; it would really suck for me to start a sport with an injury incurred by, of all things, zero period P.E. I hope I don't have to use crutches.. I really don't want to use them.

in any case, I've been up for almost 22 hours now. it's time to go sleep. to those who are going to winter formal, enjoy your time there; to those who are not, make use of the free time and plan something fun!